Relationship Help: How to Know if You Are Being Bullied.

BULLIES! Just the word is enough to get our heart rate�"and our back�"up!

We can easily identify the bullies who hit, threaten, stand in our way, or throw us around. What we need to be able to recognize is when we are actually living with or working with a bully, one who may be incognito or under the radar.  

Bullies are often related to those folks I’ve written about who exhibit passive-aggressive behavior frequently. Bullies have great cover-up mechanisms, so you question yourself about your opinion of them, and sometimes, you question your sanity! 

Bullies are everywhere: at work, at home, in hospitals or care homes, in the military, and even, by neighbors, landlords and complete strangers. Bullying is different from those things we name harassment and assault. Most folks recognize those because they are more blatant, obvious and frequent. Bullying tends to be a running account of small things over a long time. A bit here that seems trivial, a little more there that you couldn’t really quite put your finger on. And, it goes on and on. Bullying is cumulative. 

Bullies, like their passive-aggressive counterparts-, do or say small things and, when you call them on it or mention that what they did or said hurt your feelings, they pass it off like it’s your fault.  You have a thin skin. You can’t take a joke. You misunderstood. You are always finding something to complain about.  MANY BULLIES ARE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

Bullies like to pick at you. They are the “glass half-empty folks” always looking for your faults and weaknesses. They criticize. Oh, how they love to criticize! It becomes a way of life for them and they have strong opinions about what is right, and usually, whatever you are doing is not right if you are their target. Like passive-aggressives, they may well include a tiny allusion to the truth in their bullying ways to put you off their scent. Of course, that doesn’t work because bullying stinks! 

At the office, or even at home, bullies will refuse to notice what you DO do, but constantly notice what you don’t do, or fail to do. In extreme cases, their intent is to make you feel like an insignificant speck on the floor of life. They undermine you, your skills, your experience, your desires, and your value. Their purpose is to wear you down like a grinding wheel, to pulverize your self-esteem. 

Sometimes, bullies behave like sheep dogs and make attempts to cull you away from the herd and make you an outcast. They exclude or ignore you, especially when decisions or plans are being made. They discount your existence. On the other hand, some bullies like to single you out while keeping you in the herd. They single you out by pointing out every tiny mistake you make, even though the same mistakes of others are completely overlooked. 

If you have anyone in your life who repeatedly humiliates, shouts at or threatens you, you are being bullied. No, it is NOT your fault! That is what the bully wants you to think. S/he wants you to question yourself and would be happy if you would punish yourself as well. Of course, if you get into a shouting match with a bully, you should fear escalation. Bullies are not above putting their hands on you in punitive ways, and they especially look to do that in places that wouldn’t show. Watch for that. 

Bullies at work do nasty things. They take credit for your work, or plagiarize it.  They increase your workload, knowing you cannot possibly handle it because no one could. Or, they do the reverse and take away all your important work and reduce your day to menial tasks. One particularly sneaky thing is for a bully�"usually your manager or boss�"to increase your responsibility and accountability but reduce your authority. The perfect Catch-22. 

Oh, and another little pet trick of workplace bullies: they give you tasks but deny you the training to fulfill your duties.  Bullies, aren’t they swell?  And, of course, should you find yourself over-stressed or ill, that will be your fault, too. 

The first step to changing a relationship is to know what kind of a relationship you are in at the present moment.  I hope these thoughts will help you identify whether or not the person you are having difficulty with at home or at work falls into the “Bully!” category.  I’ll write more about this and what to do about it sometime soon.  Add your comments or questions below if there is something you want to know right away.