Friendship Wastes Away

Friendship wastes away, 

love turns bitter in the mouth, 

the Joy of life has drown in the

depression of pure reality,

lives begin, lives end, 

is it all about death?

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

Okay- I'll try to give a more in depth review, since you mentioned that I hadn't yet. :)

I really like your use of language, but I think that you could do a couple of different things to make this better. The first line is nice- catches you, and makes you wonder what's coming next. I would elaborate a bit more on the first two lines to make the images more powerful, and reverberate within the reader. I would also recommend on making the flow a bit smoother as well- you want each image to fly by the next, with only emotion to make the changes noticeable.

Also, some contrast might make it more powerful- if you were to include a couple lines somewhere, detailing how wonderful life can be, and then contrast it with what you have, it might make it seem that much bleaker.

Last thought: I would make the transition to the last lines a bit smoother- ease into it. Lengthen this piece a bit- it's a dark topic, and needs more room. As-is, the last lines seem almost random, especially the last one.


Overall though, this was a nice piece with a powerful message. I really liked your word choice. Great job! :)


-Coral-