I imagine

A monologue for a depressed character in a play I hope to write and finish soon.

It takes so much energy to breath sometimes. I close my eyes and imagine a better time, when I could laugh without feeling fake. Smiles shouldn't be a lie, but then again most are, and that's what scares me. I want to make people happy, I always have. My sole reason for existence was to know that the smiles I gave were true, but now I can never tell. It's all to easy to fake genuine, to fake happy, to fake amused. Some might call that paranoia, I call it experience. With that experience comes a burdening blanket of tiredness and exasperation. I'm not making anyone happy anymore, I'm a toy that was left on the shelf long ago to collect dust, occasionally glanced at for nostalgia's sake. Im not living for any purpose now, hard to say of I ever was. I'm a waste of space and oxygen, and I wish my time could be up. When I close my eyes, I wonder if I'll wake up, because breathing takes so much energy, energy I don't have to spare. I imagine a world without me, a little sad, but not unable to move on. I imagine the burden of anger, sadness, tired guilt, being yanked free of my shoulders and drifting away forever when I stretch out for the light. I wonder if God would be angry, waiting anxiously to chide me for hurting myself. Or would he simply kneel and take me in his arms, apologize for the fact that I ever had to feel that way. I wonder if I'd be cursed for hypocriscy, for going on so long telling others to give living a chance, then letting myself die. All these things and more I wonder, when I close my eyes. Then I hope I won't have to open them again.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Yes Lilly, you wouldn't read this to cheer yourself up. Your character has a very dark take on life. There is a lot of truth in the idea that smiles can often be fake but perhaps the saying that what you give you shall receive is also true. The writer seems to spiral down in the second part with talk of 'a waste of space' and 'a world without me.' I think a lot of people feel this way. In some cases its life's ups and down and quite natural and in other cases depression caused by a chemical imbalance. I have bipolar disorder myself but thankfully don't suffer much from bad downs. I think its partly due to having a supportive family and plenty of interests - writing! - including running which gives a natural high and always improves my mood. Your idea of writing a play will be a big challenge but good luck. I would say get a story line and think of your characters.
Have a great new year!
All the best,
Alan