To You!

A Story by Rowlee

Raw and unaltered feelings of a girl struggling with her emotions which seems to have stranded her.

To,

You(yes you)

Are you sure you wanna deal with this or do this?My inner self asks me reassuringly and making me remind of all my past mistakes. I answer yes I want to do this again and again till the time I make everything alright .One more time I wanna step into a dirt puddle and see if I can manage to take a step out. One more time I want my heart to start dreaming and my tummy to start having those butterflies. I decided to try till the end,even farther away from the end , till the time obviously I found the right one. Right one? Was there even a right one for me or was it just a part of my blurred imagination or my sealed fate. No doubt the phrase Right one didn't manage to ring a bell in my mind.

The problem with me was that I dared to dream again and again,even after I fell 1000 times I really wanted to get up a 1001th time. The vicious cycle started again with you coming to my life and making me dream in the hopeless night sky again.

You said you were not like other guys, you said you were totally different,you kept on saying all the good and nice things about you. And the worst part here is that I believed your every lie. You kept on promising things and I was blindfolded to trust you every time. Yes I felt butterflies,yes I waited for your text for so long staring constantly at my phone,I was ready to be yours if you let me in. I was lost admist all your fake promises and lies that you told with such a confidence that it seemed the truth. I wonder how do you do that? Doesn’t it hurt?Dont you feel guilty?I guess I ll never know some things.

Yes I gave you everything the most important thing being TIME, and yes you did toss it all in the trash. I stood there by your side all the time and you pushed me away each time, I was standing there waiting for you to let me in to open the doors,but you did not. I still told myself that you maybe stuck up in some situation or you maybe busy with some work,but alas you proved me wrong everytime. I was getting hurt,it was paining but I couldn’t tell anyone because my friends already warned me about you but I fell for you anyway. I guess this happened between our never ending voice messages on whatsapp and then never ending pictures on snapchat. I wanted to go somewhere and cry my heart loud. But I could not. I held my tears back and I held my emotions back,I pretended to not feel anything and let it go,how could I possibly explain someone what I was going through, this s**t was consuming me from inside. But everytime someone leaves, a part of me goes with them, I guess this will happen till the time I am left with nothing but a hole a black hole which is made of nothing and is really dark and which is capable of sucking the life out of you. People believed my fake smile, they thought I was normal and happy,nobody knew my insides were struggling to breathe,they were so caught up and they wanted to get released. Gnawing pain pierced my heart and thinking about you everytime made my heart cry a little. I held myself up, I told myself this was okay.People come to go only. Nobody stays. Still it hurted! YOU have no clue how it feels like or do you? When you try your level best and give yourself to someone just for them to not value you and throw you away like some s**t, you do know na how exactly this feels? When people whom you really care about, do not reciprocate anything, when you feel so unvalued and so worthless,when you wanna cry blood and bleed tears! When all you wanna do is stop yourself but you are drowning in a deep ocean and fluttering your hands and calling out for help,when all you feel is numbness ,when your lungs are filled with water and that water freezes inside you and your veins,heart,bones freeze leaving your mind capable of only questioning WHY AGAIN?

I don’t know why most of you all do it,but I just want you to know it pains it hurts even I am a human and I deserve an explanation for all of the times you decide to walk off me treating me like a Welcome Home mat! Have the courage to tell me.

Consider me like a person capable of feeling every human emotion and have some balls to give me respect and not leave me out in the hanging wondering what all could I have possibly done that made it all go so wrong. I am worth an explanation or more.

Love,