7 years ago

A Story by Rusk

I cried to my mother today, the moment my voice shook she asked me what happened and I couldnt control the stinging feeling in my eyes. Tears rushed and she said "woah i didnt expect you to cry, you're the strong one" and all I could think of was the innumerable times I've sobbed while pressing my hand against my mouth so she couldn't hear.
She held me and patted on my back, the warmth felt nice against my back, could I count on her to have my back always? The last time I teared up like this was 7 years ago, she held me the same way with the same warm feeling on my back.
I wanted to spill my heart out to her, all the things that made me cry the last 7 years, but I don't want to be perceived as "weak" by her, she'll spend the rest of her life worrying and praying that I survive life just as she did once upon a time, for her own life. She said "we're here for you". Who is "we",ma? You were there for me when I got my leg stuck between the table and you came and ripped the table apart like my superhero. You were there for me when... uhh you were there for me when..., no I will not accept the fact that, that was the last time you were there for me.
I can't say we've drifted for we were never close, you've always been aloof, and I sob harder, wishing we had bonded more. Yet here you are trying your best at this mother stuff. I wish you understood me a little more and I wonder what we would've been like if I received the effort I put into our relationship.

I don't blame you for this, it's your first time being a mother as well. You do your best. I smile, hoping you see me as your strong girl again. Another day of crying to sleep with my hand on my mouth, the warmth felt nice though, thank you ma, for trying.