How the Grinch Stole 4/20

A smoky retelling of the Dr. Seuss classic.

Every Who

 

Down in Whoville

 

Liked 4/20 a lot…

 

But the Grinch

 

Who lived just north of Whoville

 

Did not…

 

The Grinch hated 4/20! The whole 4/20 season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I think that the Grinch’s unfortunate plight, Might be that his business was failing, all right. The shoppers had fled, I vaguely recall They now bought their weed at the store near the mall. It could be that his joints weren’t rolled up quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his blunts were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his bongs were two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, Way up in the clouds, He sat there on 4/20 Eve, Selling that loud, Staring down from his store with a sour, Grinchy frown At the warm, smoky windows below in their town. He knew every Who down in Whoville beneath Was busy now, packing a bowl full of Keef. "And they're cleaning their bubblers!" he snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow’s 4/20! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep 4/20 from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... ...Every Who lad and lass Would wake up bright and early. And smoke tons of Grass! And then! Oh, the smoke! Oh, the smoke! Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! That's one thing he hated! The SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE! Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would start with a pizza, then move on to Cheetos That all would be followed by T-Bell burritos And the more the Grinch thought of the 4/20 feasts The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop these high beasts!” "Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop 4/20 from coming! ...But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Bob Marley hat and a coat. And he chuckled, and looked at his costume most gnarly "With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Bob Marley!" "All I need are some sweatpants..." The Grinch looked around. But since sweatpants are scarce, there were none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said, "If I can't find some sweatpants, I'll make some instead!" So he ripped his bong, Max. Then he took some gray thread And he fashioned some pants from the sheets on his bed. THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks On a ramshackle sleigh Still, he ripped on old Max. Then the Grinch said, "High Tides Brah!" And the sleigh started down Toward the homes where the Whos Lay a-snooze in their town. All their windows were dark. Clouds of smoke filled the air. All the Whos were all dreaming high dreams without care When he came to the first house in the square. "This is stop number one," The Bob Marley Grinch hissed And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch. But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue Where the little Who Hookahs all stood in a row. "These Hookahs," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, like a snake from Australia. Around the whole room, he stole paraphernalia! Creeping around with unquenchable greed, He stole all the things they could use to smoke weed. And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then he slunk to the kitchen. He took the Whos' Cheetos! He took the Who-pizza! He took the burritos! He cleaned out that kitchen as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch even took their last gram of Who-hash! Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will smoke this dank tree!" And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to blaze When he heard a small sound resonate through the haze. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who! Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two. The Grinch had been caught by this little Who daughter Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. She stared at the Grinch and said, "Bob Marley, why?” "Why are you smoking our weed, Marley? WHY?" With his Bob Marley voice, which was perfectly faked, He told her a lie, even though he was baked. The fake Bob Marley lied, "Why, my sweet little tot," "It’s part of my job to test everyone’s pot.” "I’m taking some back to Jamaica, my dear. ” "I'll grow some more there. Then I'll bring it back here." And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head And he gave her a hit and he sent her to bed. And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed stoned as f**k, He went up the chimney, and didn’t get stuck! Then the last thing he did Before he took flight Was spark up a J, which was rolled hella tight. Then He did the same thing To each other abode Smoking blunt after blunt through the night as he rode. It was quarter past dawn... All the Whos, still a-bed All the Whos, still a-snooze When he packed up his sled, Packed it up with their Weed! The Chronic! The Cabbage! The Kush! And the Dope! The Ganja! The Doobage! Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit, He rode to the tiptop, intending to dump it! "Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that 4/20’s not coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two ” "Then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply must hear!" So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Whoville! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, Was raving! Without any Ganja at all! He HADN'T stopped 4/20 from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same! EDM music rose up from the club It seemed that the Whos had found some other drug. But what drug is there that could make Whos so jolly. Alas!  It was clear!  All the Whos had popped Molly! And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?” They were high without Kush! They were high without Weed! They were high without Buds, without Chronic, Indeed. And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe high times," he thought, "don’t just come from smoke.” "Maybe Whos can get high snorting Molly or Coke.” And what happened then...? Well...in Whoville they say That the Grinch's drug stash Grew three sizes that day! And he brought back the pot! And he no longer fretted. And he... ...HE HIMSELF...! Popped some Molly, and sweated.