ORIGINS: THE SEQUEL TO THE FIRST

Well, not really, but kind of.

Chapter the Second

1          And thus, to maintain order in the Hexagonal-Universe, Keith created the Days of the Week.

2          The first was called Monday, in respect of the monotonous nature of the Origins. The second was called Tuesday, and became a day to rejoice about twos: two sheep, two cattle, two asses: two of whatever.

3          The third was called Wednesday, for no justified reason.

4          The fourth was called Thursday, a mispronunciation of Fursday, which was the day of animal fur celebration.

5          The fifth was called Friday for the same reasons, or lack thereof, as Wednesday.

6          The sixth day was called Saturday, a day dedicated to sitting in the past tense. 7            And the seventh day, a most Lobsterish day, was called Sunday, and no one was allowed to rest because of all the sitting done on the previous day, so everyone worked like dogs.

8          And so after installing order Keith created the Garden of Eatin’, so His first two children could have somewhere fancy to dine.

9          And Keith tore out his rib cage to create the first Man, Bill Gates. And while Bill slept, Keith tore out his heart to create Carmen Electra. And so Women were cursed with the ability to break hearts with their flirtatious nature and tendencies to dress flauntaciously.

10        And so They made like rabbits and multiplied, thus populating the entire earth through disgusting amounts of inbreeding with their children.

11        And Keith recognized all of these children as His own, simultaneously become the world’s most successful polygamist.

12        And to prove evolution was a bunch of bologna, these original humans were called homo-sapiens by Keith, and he fabricated evidence of prior human life just to upset scientists of all ages.

Chapter the Third

1          In the Garden of Eatin’, at the center, stood strong a broad Tree which bore the forbidden fruits of Keith.

2          This forbidden fruit was known by Bill and Carmen to be bad, and they listened to Keith for a time, deciding that they should not eat it.

3          However, one passing afternoon, a snake strolled on by, on its hind legs, and spoke to Carmen. He said, Eat the forbidden fruit, for it will increase thine breast size tenfold, and this will please Bill. And she said, He is pleased by Me, and We are happy. But the snake spoke again, But it will guarantee the Eternal.

 4         And so, foolishly, Carmen took a juicy bite from the fruit. It revealed to Her that She was naked, that Bill not as good-looking as She remembered, and that the fruit wasn’t a fruit at all: it was a hamburger.

5          And it made her almost immediately gain gratuitous amounts of cellulite. Bill became displeased, and cast the hamburger out of the Garden.

6          Humans found it, and it led to what they called McDonald’s.

7          And Keith, generally displeased with the whole affair, cast Them out of the Garden, and sealed it with a flaming french fry, which blocked entry to the Tree, and created the Cherubim to protect the Tree’s forbidden givers of knowledge.