Injected Dreams

Sitting watching the sunset
 how so beautiful
 to think of you

One time when it’s over and it
truly is just the beginning

Writing about you in the dark again
 how so beautiful
 to think of you

Another day has passed by and it
surely is just the beginning

Sun has come and gone
still haven’t finished this song
Cook up another moonrise
to remember how it shined in your eyes
Inject another sunrise
Just to dream you all over again

Writing here in the dark again
not so beautiful
to be thinking of you

Sun has come and gone
Don’t think I can ever finish this song
Cook up another moonrise
to steal the shine from my eyes
Missed another sunrise
Can’t dream you anymore

Sitting in this white padded room
 how so beautiful
to not be thinking anymore
 

Reviews

[Jerichael Hoffmanshiret..]

I really enjoyed the potential in this poem... which is to say that it can definately go somewhere powerful, but it needs a lot of tinkering and grammatical work to clear up the thoughts behind it. My biggest peeve with the poem is the line "how so beautiful," as I think the use the of the words "how" and "so" is repetitive, as they are both meant to say the same thing, and neither of which build off of the other. It's a lot like saying "much very beautiful," except that "how" and "so" both only convey that there is a quantity of beauty present, not even that there is an abundance of it... which is a mistake too common to strike at you for.
People always say to read a poem out loud to yourself to find the perfect way a line or a word should go... it might not work for everyone, but I think it helps. Other than that it's all just whittling down from here, as you've got your main idea sorted out, and that can be the hardest part. Focus on the refrain in the two longer stanzas, as I think your gold is there.

mike.