Why I could never be an atheist

Personal musing... something I wrote the other day.

I like to think of myself as an intellectual. I was "gifted" in school, qualified for Mensa on the basis of stratospheric SAT scores, graduated with honors from a fairly elite private college, and can beat almost anyone in Trivial Pursuit (as long as I don’t get slammed with sports trivia). Which is to say, I am not an intellectual slouch.

I understand the issues of reason and logic that avowed atheists mention. Some of the laws and prophecies, instructions and actions in the OT make no sense out of context, and even IN context are often baffling. Original sin? I can call it dysfunctionality, in modern terms... but (1) not every non-believing family is apparently dysfunctional, and (2) many believers' families including my own are very dysfunctional, and don't seem to be transformed or fixed by divine power. I understand the philosophical underpinnings of atheism.

But... I have to believe my own experiences over any logic. Beyond logic, beyond anything tangible or provable, or even replicatable.

I have heard God's voice. Sometimes just simple sentences. Most recently on Christmas Eve, when the worship team at the church down the street launched into a live rendition of Trans-Siberian Orchestra's CAROL OF THE BELLS. I gasped, was this really live? Could it be? Punctuated with a light show, synched-PowerPoint, fog machine, and we were only 10 rows from the chancel and could SEE the musicians doing their thing. I had so wanted to go to the TSO concert in Dallas but it was impossible for several reasons including cost. Now here it was happening for me. I heard God say to me, "I knew you wanted this." I started to leak, tears of joy & amazement falling down my face.

Not the first or only time I've heard God speak. Can't tell you if it’s audible or inside my head... it sounds to me like its audible, just someone speaking quietly right next to me... but it sure sounds real. And sometimes it’s NOT what I want... in May, during a Sunday school class I wrote 'a letter to Jesus' and was supposed to listen for an answer, writing down my impressions as I listened. Well, I got a whole letter back in answer... and this was not necessarily what I wanted to hear but it was what I NEEDED to hear.

"Child, I am teaching you patience. Both you and Keith are learning that I grow you for the long term not the short term...neither of you have understood that I give you your daily bread but I live in Eternity. I need you to learn to let me guide you and lead you for my long-term purposes. Nothing I do is ever wasted. Nothing I do is ever too late..."

This was definitely NOT the answer I would have conjured up for myself if I were indulging in wishful dreaming.

But the most incredible - yes I chose that word deliberately - experience I ever had was the day I danced with Jesus. It was years ago... my husband and I were on tour with a Christian drama ministry in Ontario. One Saturday I was invited to go with my hostess to an experience walking the labyrinth, a pilgrimage journey... I walked it once but was self aware, felt awkward, it felt crowded and I didn’t get much out of it, sat down to journal about it like the facilitator told us, and didn’t write much. Instead I had this feeling I wanted to try again. I looked around... no one else was going a second time, but now the little pathway was basically clear only 2 or 3 other people on it. I felt so embarrassed going back. But as I walked through the turns & as the turns got tighter, suddenly I FELT my hand held, felt a gentle pressure around my waist, and warmth at the small of my back. I felt myself held by a dancing partner who gently counted ONE 2 3 ONE 2 3 TURN 2 3 while I was being danced, led. I don’t know how to waltz and don’t do well with being led... but in this instance I felt light enough to dance and that I was, indeed, letting Jesus lead me as I danced.

I could never be an atheist. To do that would be to deny my own senses, and what intelligent, rational human being would disregard empirical knowledge for a theory?

Author's Note

Testing the waters... do I have something worth sharing, or am I just kidding myself?

Reviews

[Ruth Carter]

Do you have something worth sharing? Are you KIDDING???!!!! Sara, this is good on so many levels. You manage to do the intellectual thing -- articulate, analytical, and then you zoom in with such a lovely vulnerability that it sings and it dances. You have opened a window and let me have a glimpse of who you are.

[D.J. Lutz]

This is awesome. I connect with it on may levels, too, as a Christian, a Metroplex ex-pat, and as someone else who knows about the TSO. I can only hope to write such a personal story as well. Excellent. Thank you for writing.