he didn't hit me

No, he didn’t hit me

But I wanted him to.

And I’m not minimising

Or simplifying

Other forms of abuse.

But when that’s all they ask

When that’s all they deem true

No, he didn’t hit me

But I wanted him to.

When he came upstairs

Heaving like a bull

And I felt him slide behind me,

Pull

The covers

As I lay sleeping

Like a man possessed.

When he looked disgusted

As I stood getting dressed

Belly swelling

From the child

Barely conscious

At best.

Then

Everybody knows

You trapped me, he says.

No, he didn’t hit me

But I wanted him to.

When he said I was clumsy

And stupid

A prude.
When I bought the wrong colour

When I made the wrong food
The endless new rules.

The jibes and the taunts

When I had a curfew

And no space to move.

When he turned his face away

And took other lovers.

When I wasn’t allowed

To be my son’s mother.

When he yelled

And he raged

And I didn’t complain.

When the children were crying

And he got his way.

Again and again.
My life under threat

As he wrestled in bed

His body,

A weapon.

His smile,

Like heaven.

So I would strive

For affection.
His love, drug dependent

If I just try harder

I might get some attention.

If he hits me,

There’s the line.

I tell myself.

So I fed my baby

And I gasped for breath.

The cat it was retching

Us both

Close to death.

And I told him no

And he couldn’t care less.

He wouldn't stop touching me Babe at the breast

I cried in the shower

And he broke the door

My nails in my thighs

I wanted blood drawn

You know where you stand

When skin is torn

His trophy collection Of home-made porn Like the dead wives in Bluebeard Rising to warn

His words

They can strike

Like a blow to the chest

And he said that he loved me

But he loved power best.