Nothing

...is what I want to mean.

I have spent

the last several months, no...

years!

being and breathing

as the good heart, display of a good soul.

Eh.

Don't get me wrong:

I embrace it,

I love it,

I still will practice it.

But...

sometimes...

I just need to feel...

Nothing.

Patrick Bateman, from American Psycho,

had no heart and no soul.

His "mask of sanity" slipped off,

he comfortably depersonalized himself:

"I simply am not there."

He had no reason to care.

I envied him...

At least for a moment.

Trent Reznor, of Nine Inch Nails,

defined The Downward Spiral album as

"someone who sheds everything around them

to a potential nothingness..."

I craved

such dematerialization,

such disintegration,

such absence

of everything...

At least for a moment.

Existential nihilism says

life is without meaning.

No purpose.

No intrinsic value, no ethics...

Human beings are simply "thrown"

into this universe,

needing to create meaning.

Yet there is none...

At least for a moment.

Tonight is one of those moments.

Tonight will be a selfish time.

Tonight I feel... 

No feeling.

Tonight I say,

"F**k it."