The Russian Cat That Stole My Brain

Once you go cat, you never go back.

Humans have long speculated that cats have superpowers we cannot detect.  As it turns out, Russian cats are way more powerful than those in America.

I was on a business trip in Saint Petersburg.  I am a salesman for the John Deere Corporation.   Russia is a wide open market and I was certain I was going to make a lot of money.  I know people inside and out.  I know what makes them tick and I can read their non-verbal communication.   I can smell it when it is time to close the deal.   

Unfortunately, I didn't know anything about cats.

As usual, I was staying at the Rossi Boutique Hotel.  Around the corner, there is a grocery store that is open 24 hours.  I often go there in the morning to pick up something for breakfast.  I am an early riser and always up before the restaurants open.

As I walked back to my room with the Russian equivalent of a breakfast burrito,  I noticed a tiny cafe I'd walked past but never paid attention to before.  The Soulmate Cat Cafe. One of those newfangled places where people half my age hang out.  There were cats everywhere.  I made eye contact with a black one curled up on a blanket in the window.  I did not know at the time, but my life had changed forever.  Later I would learn her name is Moo.

I went back to my room, ate, and went on with my day.  I had meetings that morning with the mayor and the director of public services.  A city of 5.1 million people has a lot of property to maintain.  Things went well and I was on the way back to the hotel before lunchtime.  I could taste the rubles that were about to pour into my wallet.

Usually, when I have a good day, I reward myself with a few adult beverages.  I headed to the Fiolet restaurant.  It adjoins the hotel and the bartender knows exactly how I like my martinis.  Stirred, not shaken.  James Bond doesn't know anything about a good martini.

For some reason, I walked past the restaurant and out the door.  Before I knew what was happening, I was drinking coffee at the cat cafe.

I looked down, and the black cat was curled up in my lap, purring.  I started rubbing the fur on her head.  I said, "Moo, you are a beautiful cat.”  It didn't occur to me to question how I knew her name was Moo, or that she was in charge.

Being completely under the control of a cat isn’t really that bad.  It’s just that some of the things you do are embarrassing.

When Moo told me she’d had enough of the rubbing, I got up to go to the grocery store.  I don’t know how she told me to do that.  Maybe telepathy.  Anyway, in the store, I walked past the cat food, to the refrigerator with the fresh meat.  Got salmon and cooked chicken thighs.  Then grabbed some cans of tuna off the shelf.  Paid the clerk and headed back.

I opened up all the food and set it on the floor.  The cats feasted.  The other customers and the staff didn’t act like anything unusual was going on.  Like me, they were under Moo’s control.

That was when things got a little weird.  I called my taxi driver, Roman, and asked him to meet me at the cafe.  When he pulled up to the curb, I walked out with Moo in my arms.  I could see the confusion on Roman’s face.  But his expression went blank as I handed Moo to him.  She only needed a moment to take over someone’s brain.

In a few minutes, we’d loaded all the cats into the taxi.  The vehicle was one of those three seat minivans.  I was sitting up front with Roman.  The back two seats were filled with a dozen cats.  I would swear the meowing was some kind of conversation.

We drove to the park at Ekaterininskiy Square and stopped at the curb.  Roman reached down and pushed the button to open a window.  The cats jumped out and headed to a grassy area in the park.  The humans followed.

The cats took over one corner of the park and spent the afternoon chasing squirrels, eating grass, and taking naps in the sun.  The only time there was any commotion was if someone walking a dog approached.  The dog would bark loudly, until Moo turned her attention to the beast.  Then it would yelp, tuck tail between legs, and run off.  Moo’s powers extended to four legged creatures as well.

The next day was when the weirdest stuff happened.  I had my last meeting with the mayor and the city council.  The one where I was going to close the deal and fulfill my retirement goals.  That part never happened.

We showed up in the van, two humans and twelve cats, just like at the park.  As we streamed up the stairs into the mayor’s office, the security staff noticed us.  I saw one man speaking rapidly into a microphone and several others approached.

The cats ran up to the men and began rubbing on their legs.  One by one, the men picked up the cats, and started walking back into the building.  Moo at work again.

I didn’t talk to the mayor about the John Deere contract.  It was just weird.

REUTERS BREAKING NEWS

Saint Petersburg, Russia - This afternoon Mayor Aleksander Koslov announced the construction of the world’s first cat-human resort.  The center of the complex will be a 110-story cat hotel.  Surrounding that will be a human resort, with a luxury hotel, casino and golf course.  Koslov said, “We expect it will be a model others will copy around the world.  This represents a new era in feline rights.  The most important rule going forward:  No Dogs Allowed.”