I had never felt more conscious of every single action of mine before but probably, no one pays much too attention to everyday activities like walking, making an eye contact, grinning and being unable to reduce it to a mere smile befitting the moment. Feeling out of control, I was fighting a sense of a whole new entity who had the reins and will probably be doing all the dirty things through my unmasked self. The helplessness was overwhelming but as the distance between us decreased to a mere foot’s length, a sudden surge of innocent happiness worked like anesthesia on me and the fear glided down to the weary depths as the realization of his physical presence washed over my troubled senses. Before I, or the evil twin, could make a move, he gathered me in his arms all of a sudden. In that one second, the separation of twelve long months seemed to dissolve into the familiar fragrance that wafted all the way to my brain. Fighting a dizzying feeling and forcibly detaching myself from him, I started walking towards the house, still grinning like a dork, and leading him by the hand. I remembered my friends telling me that once we meet, all the insecurities and the grumbling attitude would vanish and the two of us would be unable to keep our hands off each other. But of course, I wouldn’t pounce on him, especially not in front of his parents. I don’t understand why I, or even he, continue the pretentious friendship in front of his folks. Both of us are like open books with all our secrets spilled out for the world to read. Yet, we continue our weak facade of being mere friends for the very reason that we find ourselves unable to admit our 'love' in front of them. My personal fear is that they would consider it as inconsequential and mere "infatuation" like anything that is... inconsequential.
So we made our way through the usual greetings in silent modesty and for once, I was satisfied for not making some off-hand remark that had earned me nothing but confused looks in the past. As we made our way up the stairs, I answered his queries half heartedly. Something was definitely out of place. Being with him all this time, made me aware of all that he is and could be. I know him as the vulenrable guy who is forever plagued with the idea of losing his dear ones and the strong man, who has a 'logical' solution to every problem. I see him as a pillar that holds up my world most of the days and crumbles down at the slightest hint of distrust and anger from my side. I know him to be honest to the point of being naive yet closely aware of the reasons why a certain classmate of mine has been a bit too generous with me lately. His ignorance and insight, somehow, do catch me off-guard but then, I expect such surprises from him. Yet today, it was as if a thick blanket had fallen over the guy I knew and all I was seeing was the modest formality reserved for strangers.
It would be a lie to say what I expected of him now. Mentally preparing myself for the worst, I answered him mechanically, unaware of the mean-ness of my tone. The evil twin suggested that I should provoke him to come out with the truth with all its ugliness. And to be honest, the suspense was unbearable. The more time I spent in the dark, contemplating what was to come, the possibilites appeared all the more nasty and gruesome.
"I need to talk to you", he whispered. We were seated on the side of his bed, looking into the eyes of each other which screamed the long painful hours of endless apprehension and uncertainty. Suddenly, it seemed the substance which built up our trust, crumbled and the atomic particles, which held the others together, suddenly repelled and flew back into our being. There was destruction, on my imaginary plane, and it seemed, it was on the verge of collapsing under the weight of the gruesome reality.
I blinked. My capacity to hide the commotion in my mind seems incredible. But sometimes, "its better to say too much than never to say what you need to say".
"Its about the picture that you mentioned yesterday. I just..." he stuttered. I gave in to the sudden urge to console him and make him feel better, all the time being aware of the fact that it was 'I' who needed it. It wasn't a clash of ego and I won't call myself selfish because sometimes, there's only one person out there for you and with you, and that is your own beautiful self. I had twisted the theory to incorporate slight selfishness as well but at moments like these, the waves of genuine emotion prove to strong to hide and hold back. "Its ok" I muttered, reaching out and placing my hand on his shoulder. trying in vain to give a whole-hearted, reassuring smile. I observed a well-placed contemplation pause as he stared back at me pulling my hand back.
What followed was an emotionally charged story, overflowing with guilt and remorse and after full fifteen minutes of his explanation which almost drove him to tears seemed inconclusive...
[To be continued...]
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