The Butcher

Will be editing this piece soon. Wasn't totally happy with it when i put it up, but i wanted to post it whilst it was still raw.

"No!". The cleaver came down, splitting his head open like a piece of rotten fruit. He grabbed the handle, now slick with the captive's blood and pulled as hard as could, hearing the blade grate against broken bone and brain matter. Once the blade was free, he took an old rag from his leather apron, spat on blades surface and began cleaning the gore from it. When he was done he threw the blade towards his work bench, where the blade bit deeply into the wood, giving out a satisfying thudding sound. He plodded slowly through his work shop, taking one over sized hand in the other and meticulously cracking his knuckles, sending a low popping noise echoing through the dimly lit quarters....

When he arrives in the holding cells, he moved over to the generator that was adjacent to the doorway and went slowly down on his knees. He grabbed a large circular handle and began turning it, as fast as he could. Within seconds, the generator spat out sparks of blue fire and came to life, sending a high pitched buzzing noise through out the room. When the room was finally illuminated, the butcher turned towards the cages and showed his three captives a disgustingly evil grin, his bottom teeth protruding from his lip. Two young men and an old woman. The men had been taken from the homeless shelters, no one would miss them, those places were riddled with vagrants and vagabonds. The woman though, her absence would draw some attention. The two young men were dressed in worn, battered clothes, old leather boots that were barely holding together and they both stank of sewage and rotten food. But not her. Even if this place she looked regal, her clothes were of a fine quality, she smelled of a sweet, almost sickly perfume and she looked well fed. He took a rusted key ring from a leather thong on his apron and began unlocking the cage. Whilst he did this, the two young men began to scream and shout "Please, please!! Have mercy!! We beg of you!". But not the old woman, no not her, she just sat there, her back perfectly straight against the wall and she stared up at the butcher, matching his gaze. He let out a deep booming sound, which passed for a laugh. She didn't fear him yet, but she would, she would scream. They all screamed in the end. He reached out with a large meaty fist to grab the old woman, and drag her from the cage....

When the holding cells were secure, when his next victim was strapped down to the large wooden table in the center of his workshop, he went to work, a master of his craft, this would not take long. The old woman had been secured to the table by four large leather straps, which went over her legs, torso, chest and finally one just under her neck. The butcher loomed over her, he was gigantic, at least eight feet tall, his arms and legs the size of tree trunks, his head a large deformed mound of flesh. His blackened eyes looked down at her, full of blood lust and hunger. Not for her flesh, no, but for the honour of taking her apart, piece by piece. In his hand was his cleaver, the blade already stained and pitted by the blood of so many others. He met her eyes again, still she did not flinch. "Words?" He said, but it came slowly, like he was pronouncing each letter, one at a time. She continued to stare up at him and shook her head lightly, barely moving it because of her confinements.  The butcher grunted, took a firm grip on his cleaver, then slammed it down, just above her right knee. Blood squirted from the wound, sending a spray of crimson against the dirty stone walls. Then again, off went her left leg, sending another crimson shower across the room. He swiped his arm across the table, sending both legs falling to the floor. Again, he looked at her, she was deathly pale, biting onto the leather strap that was around her neck, leaving deeply indented teeth marks. He shifted his weight, then brought his blade down twice more, this time taking her arms. He picked up one of the severed limbs, pressed the flesh in his grip and brought it to his mouth, he ran a large slug like tongue over her fingers and bellowed his deep booming laugh. By this point, the old woman had passed out so he decided to accelerate his work and make short work of this, he had already had his fun....

In the cage, the two young men could hear the butcher at work, and they trembled against each other, shuddering with fear in the darkness. They knew they would meet the same fate, it was just a matter of who went first. The door came bursting open and the butcher strode into the room. He repeated the same task as last time, igniting the generator. Once done, he turns to the face the men. He was adorned in the old woman's blood, his apron coated in it, his arms slick with shredded muscle and sinew. He unlocked the cage and watched as the two men cowered in fear, scrambling back against the wall, in a futile attempt to escape the grotesque giant. The butcher raised his cleaver, blood dripping from the blade on to the floor at his feet. He pointed the blade at the young man and said, in his cold, deep, dead voice "You!!".....

Reviews

[Adam Osborne]

Prepare for my longest review yet! Solid short story and excellent premise but I think I have a few things to be picky about since I do happen to like gory stuff. You use phrases like thudding sound and popping noise, which in the end becomes a little redundant because we as a reader know that thud and pop are noises and sounds. Also, in creating this redundancy you throw the story's movement into a glue trap...in other words, it kinda slows the story down from the beginning. A simple use of thud or pop leaves us the actually hear the noise instead of you telling us that its a noise to be heard. The line with the generator really left me a little disappointed. With old crank generators they just don't spark to life, they actually moan into the high pitched whine. Use your words to describe that noise...for example: "The generator moaned to life as the low tone evolved into a high pitched whine." With the origins of the two men...your sentence structure was a little wonky and had me having to go back and read it a few times before I pieced it together. No worries, it happens to the best of us. Instead, try using this wording "the men had been taken from the homeless shelters, a place riddled with vagrants and vagabonds; no one would miss them. You have three clear statements without having to use all of those pesky commas. Your description of the woman needs to be separated into two sentences. Try: "Even in this place she looked regal in her clothes of fine quality. She smelled of perfume, a sickly sweet fragrance that wafted from her plump frame." In doing so, you're allowing the reader to make the assumption that the woman is well fed instead of telling us forthright. It also flows a little better (in my opinion) and demonstrates more clearly the perfume was so sweet smelling it was almost sickening, instead of the perfume smelling sickly which automatically made me think eau du vomit (of course, that might just be me O.o) You wrote "He let out a deep booming sound, which passed for a laugh" Again with the sound bit. I would much like to see you utilizing the sense of detail that I have seen you use in your other works. Use a simile of some sort if you must...just make us feel that the laugh is deep and ominous through other means than "Booming sound". Next order of business is this line "She didn't fear him yet, but she would, she would scream." Pesky commas are my friend as well; however there is no shame in a three word sentence, because three words can be a very powerful thing. My suggestion is keep your wording, but get rid of the comma between she would and she would and replace it with a period. The three word sentence "She would scream" is powerful and can be chilling when delivered in the right context, which you did. Lots of unnecessary comma usage. Don't be afraid of a lot of sentence, be afraid of comma splices (they are writer's doom I tells ya). Also, I want to feel what this old lady is feeling as she getting hacked to pieces. No one would be calm during that...give us some of her thoughts, some of the searing pain that is undoubtedly pulsing through her body. Let us know she is about to pass out with a description of her visions of the room blurring and fading. Also, WE WANT MORE GORE! I love that you utilize lots of blood (gallons of the stuff), but I want it to be more than just blood and I want it to be more than just a splatter on a dirty wall. Tell us how it paints the walls and how the warm thick essence of life slowly drips across the cracks and crevices of (what I perceive to be) a dungeon-esque setting.

With all my nit picky things aside, I do like it :)

[SonOfPlunder]

I wasn't that happy with the result, i just wanted to get it up quickly, whilst it was raw and get some feedback. Thanks for the review Adam, you make a lot of sense and i will take it all into consideration when i edit it soon. Thanks again!

[Nusquam Esse]

I was much the same. I liked the general setting, but the writing was in need of improvement. I haven't had time to do in depth reviews, so I held off on posting anything; one liners on a story which has potential is a disingenuous and disrespectful thing to give. I will hold off on any reviews until I have time to really evaluate what you have here. I recommend looking at my story "Where Men Cannot Exist...", it has a dungeon torture sequence, which while less graphical and more focused on psychological manipulation, may help you out with this. I also highly recommend reading the advice which the other reviewers gave me; as much of it can be applied here as well. (especially Matt, he gave some A+ advice) Good Luck, I will try and get you a decent, constructive, review in the near future.

[Aptitudex]

very good work. it's quite dark and intense, but i like dark and intense :) very detailed and i can see it in my head!

[SonOfPlunder]

Makes two of us! :) Glad you liked it!

[Tinkerbellje]

That is creepy! I could picture the scene very well, enough detail to set it, but enough to get the readers imagination flowing. The ending is excellent, you know their fate, yet the last word "You" makes the blood run cold. Great work!

[SonOfPlunder]

Thank you!! I might alter this slightly but i am glad you like it!

[Tinkerbellje]

You kept in the right amount of gore too, I hate it when stories are overloaded with it. Think Human Centipede.. too much gore and a weeeeeird storyline lol.. You kept the balance between the two well.

[SonOfPlunder]

Yeah..that film is too bizarre, even for the likes of me. I wanted there to be gore, but nothing too graphic, the worst things go on in a persons own mind after all ;)

[Tinkerbellje]

Have you read any of James Herbert's books? I think he is one that gets the balance right everything.

[Tinkerbellje]

*everytime .... autocorrect

[SonOfPlunder]

No he's one author i have read, but always meant to. Can you recommend any books i should start with?

[Tinkerbellje]

The Rats, The Fog or The Magic Cottage... All his books are good but these 3 are my favourite.

[SonOfPlunder]

What a minute, did he write The Bone Collector? Or was that Jeffery Deaver? Awesome, thank you, i will check them out

[Tinkerbellje]

That was Jeffery Deaver, lol.

[SonOfPlunder]

Ah, i wasn't completely sure lol

[Kasey Miriam]

Creepy and intense. It made me read it the whole way through. Geat job!

[SonOfPlunder]

Thank you very much! I wasn't completely happy with this but i am glad you liked it!

[Kasey Miriam]

There is always room to edit. But so far so good.

[Kasey Miriam]

Sorry I just caught a grammatical error. The first "captives" should be captive's. Again sorry.

[SonOfPlunder]

Haha, thank you for pointing that out! I didn't proof read it at all, so much appreciated!

[Kasey Miriam]

You're welcome. :)