Black Rose

One of my older poems, I wrote this in 7th grade

I was walking in a field one day

when the light drew away

in front of me stood a black rose

it was drawing in all light

attempting to drown out its anguish.

It fragilely wavered in the wind

and as I listened closely

I heard its song.

The black rose sang of pain

of lost love and  enemies

it sang of the things taken and of lives gone

I tried to do something but couldn’t

so I left because the pain was too great.

After many years I gathered my courage

and entered the field again

I went to the same spot and found

A black rose shining in its own light

It told me the glory of life lived to the fullest

and new life beginning

of all the beauty to be seen

and of no regrets for when your time comes

I left feeling better and wishing I too

could be a black rose

Author's Note

It seems really choppy to me. I tried to add some punctuation, hoping to smooth it, but...

Reviews

[Mark]

I like the idea of a creation of your own mind, capable of sucking all your gloom into itself, thus affording you the opportunity to see it, and yourself, in its true light. The rose is a metaphor for yourself, when depressed or confused, and the last stanza indicates that depression and confusion have been lifted. For that reason, I would like to see the rose a different color than black, and you welcoming it back into yourself, rather than striving to become it.
Don't like the word "fragilely"-- difficult to say, and redundant anyway, as everybody knows roses are fragile. But "wavered" is good (though I might say "waverING"), as it shows your undecided state of mind. Further, I would insert stanza breaks after "song" (line 8), "great" (line 13), and "light" (line 17).
All I can say is, that if this was the work of an eleven year old, you have great things in store for you. Keep up the fine work!

[Riya.G30]

Gosh! U wrote it in 7th grade? I must say u r awesome! Way too good. U have a great future ahead! Keep writing!

[Manda]

i think its beautiful. you did a pretty good good job. writing takes practice and mistakes are mad. If this came to the heart its ok to be choppy. its better that way. people relate differently. I love the choice of words. it was very well expressed =) what a wonderful job. keep up the wonderful work =)