The Ultimate Survivor! chapter 1

The Ultimate Survivor! chapter 1

A Story by Soul Ember

Nicholas Bathurst, a normal boy leading a normal life. But little does he know his life his going to change forever when he stumbles cross a mystical world where he is sent on an epic quest for his life and for man kind as we know it.


The Ultimate Survivor!


Just a normal day


A normal day a normal walk in the park, Nicholas Bathurst a boy around the age of twelve was walking his dog in the central park of Wellington which held the tallest, richest trees leaving the lush green leaves rustle in the gentle wind. The trees were also the home of the beautiful Native birds flying tree to tree under the warmth the sun released towards Earth in all its glory. Nicholas otherwise known as Nick was a normal boy living in a normal family. He has a short, slim body and blue eyes. He also has long straight brown hair and the lightest touch of freckles spread across his small nose .His dog was a large pure breed German Shepard with a light brown shaggy coat. His name was Chomper with a studded collar and leash.


It was a sunny, warm Saturday morning on the month of February. Nick and his dog were wondering through the park and Chomper was trying to gobble the leaves occasionally falling from the Trees above them. But then the strangest thing happened!Chomper stopped in his tracks, sat down and started barking at this particular bush surrounding the bottom of the tallest tree in the park. It was a huge Oak tree tall and proud, but Chomper kept barking at this bush.


Nick tried to carry on wandering the park but Chomper wouldn’t allow that as he just sat their barking at the bush. Nick had no choice but to yank the leash and it got chomper off his hairy bottom. Then Nick had to continue to yank to keep him moving and usually Nick shouldn’t have to do that because Nick and Chomper have been friends for years on end and never want to part from each other. But as they moved further and further away from the bush Chomper wriggled out of his collar and sprinted for the bush. Nick gasped and yelled to Chomper as he ran to the bush under the oak “Chomper come back here this instant!” Chomper leaped for the bush and disappeared into the leaves.


Nick walked up to the bush very anxious about the whole thing and stared into the bush. He saw a dark hole that Chomper had obviously dropped into. Nick stood back with his hands over his mouth in shock. Then all of a sudden the birds went mad crashing into anything in their way, the wind was blowing from every direction, the sun dimmed and the bright blue sky was now a dark purple and by the looks of it there was some kind of hurricane forming that was now furiously rampaging through the city. He then had another look and peered down at the never ending hole, then turned around to see a strange figure hidden in a black cloak push him into the strange, deep, abnormal hole.    

© 2009 Soul Ember

Author's Note

Soul Ember
hope you enjoyed it. New chapter soon!
would love some feedback!!

My Review

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Hi Kati
Well you DID ask for feedback, didn't you? Mine is plentiful and rather harsh, so if you're not up for it, click out now.
It's apparent that you have a highly developed imagination. That's a good thing. But it's not the only thing. My guess is you're in the fifteen to twenty age bracket, and the willingness to love words and share them at this young age is also a good thing. But if you truly LOVE words, hear MUSIC in the English language, you will spend some time honing your craft. Your spelling is abyssmal. Your line structure is choppy and incon-sistent. Details which do not advance the story (Chopper's leash, Nick's freckles) should be eliminated. Details which DO advance the story should be incorporated into the text, rather than bullet-listed like the Avatar creator on your Wii console.
I know this may sound brutal at this point in your writing history. But there's nothing more brutal than knowing an Editor did not even see adequate potential in you to BOTHER offering advice, and sent a form-letter rejection slip. Like an unshaped lump of kaolin clay, you have infinite potential, but do you have the determination to invest the considerable work required to convert that sloppy mass of clay into an exquisite piece of porcelain?

Posted 11 Years Ago

0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like the beginning the description you gave of the surroundings and environment. I will have to read more to see the plot so my other thoughts are not really all that helpful until I read more. I did notice a run on sentence and the only suggestion I can give is to try to use or mix up some words like the word bush. I believe by varying the words it will have a real smooth read and the idea's will be crisp.

"Nick walked up to the bush very anxious about the whole thing and stared into the bush." for example,

"Nick anxiously walked up and stared at the bush" This is a quick example but by eliminating one of the "bush" in this sentence it will have a more smooth read.

I hope you find this feedback useful. I am often shy about really giving feed back as I never wish to offend anyone. It is just some idea's that may or may not work for you.

Posted 11 Years Ago

I've read a book following quite the same beginning...a boy goes out with his dog, his dog disappears in to a hle in the bush and the boy follows. But I have to say I like yours better!

Posted 11 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Added on February 26, 2009


Soul Ember
Soul Ember

Katikati, New Zealand

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