A moment of growth

An on again off again relationship has finally ran its coarse.

Talking to an ex-boyfriend you once loved and possibly still love is a hard thing to do. But, here we were. He came up to my job looking really nervous and jittery which was strange to see since our last encounter was nothing of rage and hatred. I was also very nervous because I knew I was very serious about my decision on leaving him this time.

“Can we talk for a second?” he stared at my face with a very pleading and hopeless look. The last time he came around I had lied and told him that I’d been busy with customers and he strolled around aimlessly until leaving because he had no other option but to. This time my feelings were slightly different and I thought he may have needed closure but I’m starting to think that type of thing doesn’t exist.

“Sure,” I looked from his eyes and then anything past him every few seconds. “We can go outside, I’ll take a break,” I ditched my phone and he walked by my side watching me every step of the way as if he didn’t want to miss an expression or an unsaid thought. My face was left dry and expressionless as I knew he was watching far too closely.

The walk towards this small sitting area with a waterfall marble wall as a front view wasn’t too far from my job and we sat. It’s been over three months since we sat together and faced each other to discuss anything. He kept the space in between us and I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to cross boundaries or he if he wanted a better view of my face. “How’ve you been,” he always said as a starter.

“Good,” my answer was always the same. I stared mostly at the floor and started to wonder if this had been a good idea.

“Why aren’t you looking at me?” he asked. I smiled because if I looked at him I at least wanted to be halfway adorable and lied.

“I am looking at you,”

After not seeing someone for a while you begin to forget their features the ones that I once stared at when we laid in bed together, the lips I was allowed to kiss anytime I wanted or the nose I was allowed to stick my finger up without any disapproval, maybe annoyance but never disapproval. The light brown eyes that mostly looked dark throughout the day but if you paid close attention they were light brown and filled with pain even when he was madly in love with me. “So, wassup?”

Now he found himself staring at the ground. He probably literally had nothing to say, he probably thought that his mere presence was going to make me melt all over him. “You called me a week ago and now we aren’t even speaking,”

I rolled my eyes and knew that this was a bad idea officially. Anytime I want something deep and profound to come out his mouth he pulls a “you brought me here,” card. My eye rolling probably put his defenses up and I didn’t care he had to be fully prepared to be rejected. Even with all the things he has done in our relationship I hated to do it to him even in my lack of empathy.

“Yes, I called you a week ago and it was a mistake hence why I stopped calling and answering your calls,” my answer was very cold and snobby but it was nothing but the truth. Doesn’t not answering a phone call mean that I’m moving on? He didn’t respond though, I think he knew he was treading on thin ice and didn’t want this to end badly but that was inevitable even if the conversation ended well. I was done. “I called because honestly you were once my friend, you were my best friend and I know a lot of people but they don’t know me and I let you in my life and when I did something that no one could understand but you I called you,”

I shouldn't have called him. It wasn’t fair in his moving on process, but I think he was making it hard for him to move on in general. I began staring at his face again, his moist lips kissing someone else or those eyes staring at a new girl in his future the same way he stares at me now. Lovingly and desperate. My eyes averted to ground in anger at the thought. “I shouldn’t have called you though, and I won’t call you anymore,”

“Why? Why do you have to cut me off? Like you said we can talk sometimes be friends even,” There it was his desperate attempt to ‘be friends,’

“No, we cannot be friends...I was once in love with you and have a major emotional attachment towards you that makes it incapable and insufferable to be friends with you,” I shook my head. “You made your decision and I made mine and I stand by mines and you should stand by yours,”

“Decision? You think I want you gone and out of my life? You’re my everything and you being gone leaves a dark hole in my chest that no one or nothing can fill, not a stripper, not my vacations or hanging out with all my friends, f*****g empty sex after another,” I was staring at the side of his face. When he spoke his emotions in this way he looked at anything but me. “You gave me meaning to things I never gave meaning to, you gave me purpose you gave me light in my dark world,”

I couldn’t call bullshit or not. But, the fact that I didn’t believe him even for a moment speaks volumes in the death of our relationship. I was ready to wrap this conversation up before it spiraled into him hating me even more for not embracing him in a warm hug. I started to think how childish he is and I knew my heart was soon going to turn cold.

But, I didn’t want to be remembered as a cold-hearted girl. “I know this is hard, because it’s hard for me too but this is honestly bigger than our relationship, I need this for my own personal growth and I need to be alone right now to figure myself out,”

It was the truth. I gave him my virginity without too much thought and trusted him far too much with my soul which was now left feeling lost and wary. I entered into a relationship I knew would fail because I got extremely lonely and needed some type of admiration because it was nothing I had in my 25 years of living and he did it well. But, although I needed all those things from him I found a lot of common ground and we were alike so much so that love eventually submerged even though at first he was there to fill a void that I never found anyone to want to fill. “I’m afraid of doing this and that’s why I have to do it so f*****g badly,” my voice cracked in truth.

I know leaving him behind was going to leave him dark and damaged for a long time. I used him in more ways than one. But, I wasn’t sure that was the thing that cause him to hurt me the way he did. He had many voids in which he used people to fill and I’m starting to think I was only his karma and I should be nothing more then that. “I have to get back to work,”

His gaze back on me as if this conversation wasn’t good enough for him. As if he wanted more out of it. But, no ‘last conversation’ will ever really be good enough. This was the first time we were locking eyes for more than ten seconds and I decided to scoot over and embrace him in a hug. His squeeze was strong and and his breath was weak.

“F**k,” he sighed heavily when saying that and I was sure he was trying to keep his emotions together. But after murmuring another curse word, I knew he was crying against my shoulder softly. I felt his pain and fear because we feared the same things. After a minute or so he finally spoke. “You go ahead, I’ll just sit here,” his arms fell hopelessly and he bend his head in shame. My heart was shattered like glass and the pieces falling into my stomach leaving me feel twisted and sick and I knew I wouldn’t be able to work for the rest of the day.

“Okay,” I said softly. I thought about pulling him into another hug because that’s what I knew he needed but that would only lead him into not taking what I just said seriously. So, I strongly stood and began walking and I was determined on never looking back.

Author's Note

I haven't written anything in a very long time so the grammar may be terrible but it feels good to be writing again. I found this website because I didn't mind hearing everyone's opinion because it helps me improve. thank you ahead of time for taking the time to read.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Well done for getting s started with your writing again. This is a very strong and personal story and I think it will connect with many. You do need to do bit of work on it however. You will pick up a lot by careful reading and rereading. Check that it makes sense and is not ambiguous by using commas etc. It is hard work but you should do it before putting it out for the public. A few things I noticed are- in the first para 'nothing of Dave's should be 'nothing but rage'; in the third para, 'anything past him' doesn't make sense to me; further on the sentence with ' nothing can fill,not a stripper' reads as unlikely and then 'empty sex after another' doesn't read well.
I look forward to seeing your next on or this one reworked.
Regards, alan

[Spanks]

thanks so much for the review. i know i should've read it over some more and i have a lot more growing to do in writing. but i realllly am thankful for the review and you taking the time to do that because i know my writing is amateur and needed the criticism. :) :D