Smile

.................

Before you start reading this I would like to say a few things.

I haven't written any of this to win your sympathy or get a free hug.

I just want to tell you my story, god knows I have tried to tell it before, but there were no ears to listen.

To some of you it will seem like a no-good rant. Don't worry, you're not alone.

Here goes.

.................

"You are useless"

"You will never achieve anything in your life"

"You will die a failure"

These are some of the choice phrases that I have heard my entire life. When I was in grade 5, I got my first 'A'. Granted, most kids pass that milestone in lower 

divisions. What can I say, I was below average, atleast back then. I didn't have much grasp on learning or studying. Thats why that first time was a big deal for me. I 

brought the marksheet home to my mother. I handed it over to her with a huge grin on my face. She looked at it for a few seconds while I searched her face for a smile. 

None came. She put down the marksheet, stared me dead in the eyes and said "How many other kids got an 'A'?"

I said "five"

She said "Then it's no-good".

It hurt me. But I didn't think much of it. I was an optimist. I studied harder and got another 'A' in the next test. She asked the same question. I replied with a 

smile "5". same answer.

For the next test I studied an entire week, 7 hours a day. I scored another A. And so did 5 other kids.

I reached home and put down my schoolbag. Hastily I brought out my marksheet and took it to my mother. Same question. "5". same answer. But this time was different. My mother put down the marksheet and started walking off towards the kitchen when I said something under my breath. It was so muffled, even I couldn't hear it. Mother turned and asked me to repeat what I had just said. Her eyes were digging holes in my skull. I wanted to sit down but I couldn't. My hands were behind my back but I could feel my palms starting to sweat. I got a tingly feeling in my back as I said what I had, just a little bit louder this time.

"3"

mother said "What?"

"3 student got 'A's "

"Then why did you say 5?"

"I misspoke"

I was bluffing for the first time in my life. In the mind of a 9 year old child, his mother was already on the phone verifying the misinformation with the class teacher while he stood at a distance in horror. He could see her face turn soft red as she realises she had been lied to. she stands up, walks over the the cabinate behind her and opens it. Out comes the old oakwood bat. She then walks over to the weeping child with his back against the wall, pleading for mercy. But he knows the futility of his pleads. He remembers the last time she reached for the cabinate. She lifts the mighty bat over her shoulder and smiles. And keeps smiling. 

she had a crooked smile, not in the ugly way. just a bit crooked.

Wait.

I wipe my forehead off all the sweat. She was smiling. There was no phone. No bat. Just her. standing there. I had made my mother smile. It felt great. I felt like I was worth something now. It was a drug and I had taken my first dosage.

The next time I got an 'A', there was only one other kid. Well, not really, but she doesn't need to know.

She never needs to know. This will always be my little secret.

The next time I was the only kid. Now my hands didn't sweat as much. The tingling in my spine was gone. I felt alive.

My tenth birthday came and I gave her a gift. Ha. Ironic. I told her I got an 'A' in all my subjects. She asked for my marksheet. I told her I left it in school and will bring it to her the next day. She nodded.

Next day I went to the school and took the marksheet out of my bag. There were 2 'B's, 3 'C's and a 'D'. I threw the marksheet in the trash can. I didn't need it anymore. I had my words.

Back at home, during dinner, I told my mother that someone had picked up the marksheet, I'll ask the janitor to look for it. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. 

I was waiting for this moment a long time. A bit nervously though. This was my proving moment if there was any. I gentally rest my hands over the table, looked her dead in the eyes and said "Would I lie to you mother". She gazed at me for a moment then smiled naively and went back to eating.

I love it when my mother smiles. It warms my heart.

The Janitor never found the marksheet.

But she doesn't need to know. No-one needs to know.

It will be our little secret.

:)