Ode to Night

Aug 21st//1:55 am

I don’t really know what to tell you nor do I really know who you are, but i’ve decided to write this because it’s 12 a.m. and i’ve just finished the latest trending show on Netflix. I’ve been meaning to write but could never really get my sentences together without over using big words that i barely knew in hopes that it would impress you. I was thinking the other day about my upcoming senior year and i’m honestly getting anxious. Don’t get me wrong I love the thought of one more year til freedom, graduating, and all the senior events, but I don’t feel ready yet. It’s like everyone is moving forward in life; growing up, getting their license, and partying with friends while gravity is pulling me so far back I can’t even figure out how to act on my first day back. I’m normally quiet in class because I feel the need to focus on work and I can’t sufficiently balance my school life and social life well together. I have friends just they’re not the most reliable people and I keep moving so the painful process of introducing myself continues. I don’t like thinking of this because it gives me anxiety thinking of starting over again. I’ll just save the stressing out for later and spare you paragraphs upon paragraphs of me talking about how just walking into a room full of people makes me want to cry.

Most people would consider me an introvert, but that’s just because they haven’t gotten to know me well. I’m into clubs like French club, Book club, Key club; any club i’d basically give it a try. I love reading, but my reading is mediocre and I tend to skip/add words to sentences resulting in me rereading them over and over again. I like to basically read anything that’s good so what I read varies. One moment I could be reading a rather lengthy chapter book, the next I could just be reading a manga.The same goes for shows I lik- sorry I tend to talk a lot and go off topic. It’s late and lately at this time i’ve had this reoccurring feeling that tends to bother me... Boredom. I’m bored with everything; reading, netflix, playing games, it’s all so f*****g boring. So all I can do is think,but when I think I get sad and don’t like who I am. Thinking too much ends up making me sad and want to be alone, which I don’t like because I hate negativity and like being happy. This is why i’m writing in hopes it’ll distract me from thinking and maybe improve my writing skills as well. I read what I write and think it sounds pathetic and know i’m just gonna trash the whole thing in a few minutes when I finish anyways. I underestimate myself sometimes because I compare myself to you. You can do anything you want and I envy you for that. I want your skills and risk taking courage. Honestly you’re my role model and I haven’t told you yet.

Talking to you directly feels weird but it helps me get my thoughts out into words so I appreciate the time you’ve given me. I really value how much you’ve done for me along the years. I was honestly just a half broken seed someone threw into a pond, but you picked me up and helped me rise from the murky water and blossom into the beautiful powerful lotus that I am today. Sounds kinda cliché but ya know, what’s a story without that poetic s**t?