What's wrong with me?

The third entry

  Well, you know what they say, every show only gets serious on the third episode, and I got told by some people that my journal wasn't describing my feelings and relationships well enough- of course, I just wrote two entries!! Be patient!

   But okay, on this one, I swear I'll be more serious, for good. 

   

    Good evening, good afternoon, or good morning to anyone who is reading this journal, glad you're spending time in this s****y thing I'm making!

Please leave an honest rating of your experince with this once you're done!! Updates: Miguel gave me back my notebook (three days later) and he even  wrote down a case for me! I guess it was for me, yeah, it was probably for me. He really made me seem like a liar to you guys, but I swear i'm not. Just lying. Well, if he wrote about a situation envolving work, maybe I could write about a personal situation? Dunno, ms May adviced me to write about all the things that make me feel well besides that, like my past experiences, sooooooooo, guess i'm going to do it!

   It was a sunny day, a very sunny day, unpleasingly sunny day, why was it so unpleasing? Because it meant Miguel would want to go out for a sunday walk. Alright, maybe I did an unfair analizes about my pal to you,he is a nice guy, actually, too kind for his own good, well, at least for me, he's the nicest guy in the whole f*****g World when I need it, he may have some trouble understanding others' emotions, but me? He gets me too well. He KNOWS me too well.

''Chara, wake up, It's sunday and you know what it means! Get your a*s ready, we're going for a walk'' I heard my partner's voice yelling from the living room- I still don't understand how we never get any noise complaint, the man's always shouting!

''Shut up! I don't want to go, It's 7 in the morning, and everybody knows the day starts at LEAST, at 9am'' I answered with my face burried in my pillow, my voice slightly muffled.

I already knew what his answer would be:

''You're not everybody, Chara, get up''

"damn it, you'd be a perfect mother, Migs''

After some wonderfull five seconds of rebelion, I stood up from my bed and started changing my clothes, I know! It surprised me too! After changing, I walked to the living room, to find Miguel already fully clothed, his coffee drank, and a watch on his wrist.

''Now let's go, we'll walk one hour on the Central Park, and at 9 we have to be at Downtown for the Kitchen.''

''The what??''

''The Kitchen? The Event to help preparing soup for the homeless, we voluntered last month, Chara! How can you not remember? I told you it was important..''

 I din't answer to that, honestly? I was on right to not answer. But I also understand why he was upset, he likes to help people, he's too nice sometimes- and he also doesn't know that other people don't have an Elephant Memory like he does. Anyway, or it would be even fun, or terribly boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooring.

''Fine, fine, let's just go, yeah? Have lots of fun..'' I'm a fun guy, in my opinion, and in my therapist's opinion, but I have one weak point: sundays and their damned walks. Besides that, i'm always happy and energetic. (**note from Miguel: lie)

  We walked out of our apartment, down to the Central Park, and started our walk, that was mostly made in silence. Except for Miguel's rambles of cases, my replies and dad jokes, and random dogs barking at me (and Miguel pulling me away before I barked back)

 Until the one hour walk was complete, and we got the bus to downtown, to get to that whathever Kitchen event was that or anything. I swear I don't remeber voluntering to that, it doesn't sound like me, I was probably drunk, or high, or both! Or I just watched Supertrain again. Anyways, it should be fun, right?

As soon as we got there, we cleaned our hands TWICE (why are they so worried about hyghine? Those people will most likely contaminate themselves witht heir own germs before us contaminating them) and got an apron, this was pretty cool actually, we could take the aprons home with us <3 (**note from Miguel: no, we coudn't, just no one saw him leave with that thing, and I just let it, he was happy anyway) I got a pink one (slaaaaaaaaaaaay), Migs got a black one (I swear I saw his eyes glow in happiness when he put it on), and soon enough, we were given a task! Chop the veggies.

"Chara.''

"Yeah, what?''

''Gloves, on''

A lady that was working with us shrugged and smiled at my friend.

"Don't worry, you are fully higinized, he doesn't need-''

"It's not because of that, Chara, c'mon, just like we talked''

  I sighed heavily and nodded, relutanctly putting the gloves on and grabbing the knife. Miguel got to my side and pushed down the knife, helping me, or better, watching me choping the carrots.

  Can I admit something? Doing this din't bring me good memories, that kitchen, chopping the vegetables, I felt a tightenes on my chest, and my hands started shaking slightly, and Miguel obviously noticed that. He smiled warmly at me, and that gesture was always so comforting, Miguel has a certain difficulty with facial expressions, but he always seemed to know what to do when I was anxious, and he din't have to question me why I was feeling that way.

  We kept helping there for about two hours, then it was time for us to go back home, we took the bus, walked a few minutes...

''..Hey, Chara? Did your parents called you again?'' Miguel asked me, breaking the silence between us.

"Well, yeah, a few times, they said they want to visit us soon'' I answered, shrugging and looking away.

''...are you okay with that?''

''Yeah, I guess, I can't avoid them forever. And besides that, May said that is important to face this part of my past, it'll maybe help me heal, y'know? Just that cliché therapist talk'' I said on a half smile, trying to joke around with the subject, like I do with everything in my life HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA 

''It's not cliché, it's true, you know it'' He sighed and put his hands on his trousers' pockets. ''I understand that not taking those things seriously helps you cope, but...just try to take her advices with more care, alright?''

 It was my turn to sigh, and nod relutanctly. Miguel then smiled a bit and  elbowed my side playfully.

''You better take good care of yourself, don't want to go visit you on the mental hospital!''

"Heh, you askin' too much of me, Migs!''

Those moments are the happiest in my day, the best ones. Why? Because I am with someone who understands what I am, and what I went through, he is the only one who ever did. 

In my life, I crossed paths with many people. ''We understand you'', ''it's just a phase'', ''you just have to move on'', ''we know what you're going through''. 

''You have to worry about what you do with your life''

Why? Why do I have to? If someone is going to hate me independently of what I have done here?

"Everyone loves you''

Everyone loves me, and who is actually fond of me??

One day I'll  day and no one will remember who I was.

''We understand you''

No, nononononononononononononononono.

NO

NOBODY EVER KNEW ONE F*****G THING ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, OR WHAT I ALREADY PASSED!! THESE ARE JUST EMPTY WORDS FOR THEM TO PRETEND THEY KNOW SOMETHING AND TRY TO LOOK ACCEPTABLE!

''OH LOOK AT ME, I'M AN IDIOT, BUT I'M SAYING GOOD THINGS, SO I'M A GOOD GUY''

IF YOU WANT TO DO ME A FAVOR, STAY AWAY FROM ME, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND AND GO MIND YOUR OWN FRICKING LIFE

YOU CAN LOOK AT YOURSELF AND RECOGNIZE WHO IS LOOKING AT YOU ON THE MIRROR? GREAT, GREAT, GREATGREATGETAEGREAT FRO RUYO

ONEON O FUYOU UHEGUETNAD WEHT I'M OGIJNG THORUGH

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