School again

A poem of Struggles within learning

Here I am
returning back to school again

You would think after the third time striving to achieve this that I would have gotten the hang of the subjects that I'm learning

But

nope soon as I begin I become so frustrated because there is a struggle
for me that not many have to endure

I'm one who has to reteach themselves things over and over

even if I remember something for a moment it disappears and out of my roladex of the mind it goes

I find it Funny

because my sister says that my mind once it has learned something is supposed to be able to keep information stored in there for me to be able to bring it forward when I have a need for it


And So that i may be able to recall it for its usage and purpose that it's supposed to serve me for


But sadly for my mind it doesn't seem to work this way or me any more due to brain damage from drugs long ago and drinking binges and having buddies over doing upside down keg drinking and slamming tall can one after the other

Not to mention whippits and snorting coke doing shrooms etc what ever gave me a high back then and drew attention to fit me in I went for it foolishly never thinking about the long term side effects that it would have in store for me for my mentality stability and being able to coprehend and keep hold of things


And now because of them stupid non sense choices and behaviors
there is a part that seems to have a blockage in there or just no space to remember at all

its like there's a huge gap where a brain cell once resided but doesn't anymore

And all there is that remains is an emptiness that lacks to attain knowledge anymore



and I have to implant the information again hoping and praying it will stick and stay posted there like a paper to a push pin on a push board

It's so frustrating last few times I cried so much I quit

And even punched my fist through a mirror because i thought to myself then

anything was better than having to endure this discouraging heart breaking struggle over and over

it didn't seem fair to me because and because of that reason and so much more I no longer wanted to continue living

I didn't wish to live anymore I had enough my heart gave up and you could stick a fork in it and I wouldn't have cared at all this heart and tired damaged mind was done for

I felt like if I cannot even function properly in society or be able to comprehend the way others seem to do so easily

Then what purpose could I possibly ever serve for not only others and my Lord

But for me also


I gave up once before

And allowed this to break me


I do not wish to accept defeat with this hindrance anymore


I want to complete the impossible


But with me striving I'm unable to accomplish this long term goal alone


To be able to pursue my career field even further I had to seek out a higher counselor for this matter of a natural consequence that I felt I didn't deserve



It has me stuck in between a rock and a hard place it seems for far too long

But at least this time I have MY ROCK to strengthen and sustain me emotionally as I press on


I pray this time the sky is the limit for me

And if I can soar through this without it breaking me


I'm excited to think of succeeding


Because for me it's all or nothing


There is no half heartedness that any longer remains in me

And with My God beside me and fighting for me

I can do anything


Phillipians 4:13 explains that clearly to me

And My God's words has never been returned void unto me


So yep


Its back to school for me

I may not be able to eliminate this problem for me or remmber and perceive the way others do effortlessly but I'm not quitting




Because For My God


This is just a breeze

I'm going to trust him to lead me

I'm glad that I now have an advocate with my Father that is fighting this for me

I've already began improving

Reviews

[Jimmy Yetts]

Wonderful to hear!
If it is any indication of mental acuity--and I believe it is--you write very well.
Meaningful work, S!

[Farmgirl]

Thank you Jimmy!

you know mostly I'm just venting but God has given me a talent with rhyming and explaining things deeply I consider them all a part of my faith journey and Testimony not yet fully finished but yet still unfolding for me