My Journey Out Of Mormonism

This is my own, personal story out of Mormonism.

At eight years old, I was baptized into the Mormon Church, also known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I didn’t know much about the church or religion other than it was expected of me to be baptized, and my parents were members.

I realized around age ten or eleven that my family was different from other families in the church. Other families didn't behave the way my family did.

My friends' parents would hold weekly Monday-night family nights. My parents didn’t do that. My friends' families would pray together, say grace, and read scriptures. My parents didn’t do that either.

I learned the word "hypocrite" at a young age. One morning after a Sunday school class I was called a hypocrite by another young girl. I didn’t know what the word meant but I learned later and it devastated me. I began to dread going to church because of the other children and I always felt like my family was different. My family had never even been to the temple, let alone, sealed for time and eternity. Nevertheless, I had to go to church every Sunday, Wednesday and any other afternoon or night that an activity took place. My childhood and preteen social life revolved around the Mormon Church, which at the time didn’t seem too bad.

I didn’t learn about the church history or what Mormons believe until a few years ago. I had heard rumors about Joseph Smith and his mystical and enchanting behavior, and I knew about Brigham Young’s polygamy; I didn’t give any of it much thought, and continued with my beliefs, and developed a judgmental attitude towards anyone who didn’t believe the way I did.

Here is an example: After my husband I were married in the Salt Lake Temple in 2006, my stepson returned home from his mission. He met a girl who was not a member of the church and asked her to marry him. I was furious! I was mean to his fiancé and talked behind her back. It breaks my heart knowing how mean and inflexible I was. I have since; apologized for my behavior. We are close, and I love her unconditionally.

A few years ago, I read a book by Rebecca Musser called The Witness Wore Red. It’s the story about the woman who brought Warren Jeffs, the "prophet" from the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints -- FLDS -- to justice. While reading her book, I noticed similarities with the FLDS and LDS churches. In fact, almost everything was the same except for the polygamous relationships. It bothered me. I couldn’t shake the feeling and decided I needed to do more research on the Mormon Church’s history.

After a year of research, reading, and studying I made the decision to be authentic with myself. I could no longer subscribe to an organization that had a flawed history.

It has been a journey and an epiphany for me. I have some people in my family who accept me and who don't. It’s taken a toll on my marriage, and we have had some tough times. We are still together, though. I have learned to not discuss or bring up religion with my husband. I accept him as a person and love him. His beliefs are not my beliefs. We don’t have to share the same beliefs in order to be a couple. I'm not sure whether he would agree with me? We don't broach the topic.

I no longer believe in patriarchy or that men are the only ones worthy to hold higher positions than women. I no longer believe that God only wants straight people or members of the Mormon Church in heaven or in Mormon terms, the “Celestial Kingdom”.

My belief system has shifted. I went from certainty to uncertainty. I believe I’m a good person, and I don’t feel a need to belong to an organized religion to prove that to myself or anyone else and if there is a God, I don’t think he/she cares either.