- Walking 3am Down The Street -

N/A

Creativity is getting harder & harder to dig out of me
When I am creative it is in the most satanic & sadistic manor
My thoughts are not right
My emotions are getting harder & harder to feel
I'm angry at many things that didn't happen for me
Yet, I find that I am grateful for the things that somehow made sense why they couldn't or didn't happen
I feel lost constantly,
I set up a game that I thought I could play
Encouraged by some of my old demons & his friends,
I had invited over for a game of cards
I let them deal a hand in my life & got burned, lost
I have a debt,
I have a price on my head,
My soul was played for keeps
Their is no take backs, not this time
I understood every step I took
I understood every move I made up until that moment-
It was not forced, but willingness
Love & Lust had nothing to do with it
I just had nothing else to sacrifice
Nothing else to give
I understood what was at hand that night I wondered down the street
I am constantly reminded of it
Day after day
Night after night
I never sleep, so it's all I think about
My only hope is that I don't carry a second person, because of my mistake
Consequences are based on actions
I didn't treasure the gold I had
I foolishly let men bet on it as though it was not valuable & I lost
I lost the game I had set up in a matter of seconds
To someone I am now revolted by
I force myself to look myself in the mirror, but every time I do my reflection asks me the same series of questions
" Are you happy now?
Are you pleased by what you did?
Are you empowered yet?
Was it really worth what you lost?"
With a ball of remorse in my throat & tears of grief I answer my reflection the same way I always do
" No, I have never been so eaten up, miserable & lost my whole entire life."