ELAINE AND PUZZLEMENT 1962

A GIRL AND HER MOTHER AFTER A BOY'S VISIT IN 1962.

Elaine cant believe that the boy John had come to the house had just turned up out of the blue and had sat in the lounge and on the brown settee where she sits now thinking about the visit and her mother out doing the washing and John had kissed her-Elaine not her mother-and her mother had been in the kitchen and he kissed so gently so warmly and she now feels panicky what if her mother had come in then how would she have explained that? she muses licking her lips where he had kissed and rubbing her palm over where he had sat her mother seemed suspicious as if Elaine had known he was coming as if theyd planed it and her mother on about not doing things what things? her mother never said just stared trying to wonder what Elaine was thinking when all Elaine was thinking was what did her mother mean by nothing and not to do it which was as her aunt saying boys were only after one thing and not saying what thing she licks the lips wondering if a bit of John was still there on her lips some small particle of him she sighs looks at the wall opposite wondering what he thought about her and her mother and her mothers questions to him and her mother saying he does know youre only fourteen I suppose? he was in her class at school so he was her age so he had to know and besides what difference did it make if she was only fourteen and he was fourteen and he did know a lot about birds and butterflies and there had been quite a few in the garden when she showed him around the garden for a while when he came she looks at her hands turns them over he had held her hand briefly in the garden she had not noticed so much at the time it was only when she thought her mother was peering at them through the net curtains that she let his hand go she smells her hands which hand had it been? right yes the right hand his thumb rubbing the back of her hand as they talked of seeing Blue Tits and he said he knew their eggs well had her mother seen them holding hands or rather Johns hand holding hers? her nerves feel bad she hadnt expected him to come now her mother was suspicious and would go on about the visit for days and days and say things and youre just fourteen too young for boys her mother had said yet her sister who was younger talked of boys all the time and mother said nothing to her about it and what would her dad say? not much she supposes he would joke and say whod be interested in my Squat Hen? or such things smiling his smile which made her mother all the more angrier she walks out the room and goes out into the garden and stands where they had stood a little while ago and she can sense him still his presence in the garden as if part of of him was still there beside her his words on Sparrowhawks not seen much in big towns he said she doesnt know if they are or not she sits on the green garden bench and stares at the blue sky fancy turning up like that? her mother says beside her suddenly he ought to have asked first her mother says sitting beside her now sniffing the air I didnt know he was coming Elaine says so I cant say she looks at her mother at her mothers eyes my mother always said one can judge a person by their behaviour thoughtfulness is the key shed say Elaine stops listening she focuses on a butterfly fluttering nearby taking in how the wings move at the patterns and colours and wonders what John would say of it his lips on hers wet on wet his hands where had they been in the lounge where they had sat while her mother was in the kitchen getting tea? had he held her? touched? had she touched him? she cannot recall now as she muses and her mother talks on her words like buzzing bees do things? do nothing? her mother had puzzled her as much as her aunt had done when she talked of boys wanting just the one thing what thing? what was her aunt meaning? kissing? holding hands? thats a Red Admiral Elaine says pointing at the butterfly nearby what? her mother says what are you on about? the butterfly Elaine says is a Red Admiral her mother follows the butterfly with her critical eyes be careful her mother says (looking away from the butterfly)be careful of boys Elaine just frowns be careful? Elaine says yes careful what they may do her mother says eyeing her boys may do? Elaine says puzzled looking at her mother at her eyes on her he ought not just to have come her mother says again do what? Elaine asks boys I mean? her mother says nothing but stares at her and sighs and gets up and walks back towards the house had John touched her while sitting in the lounge and sitting on the brown settee? the kiss was gentle his lips on hers wet warm and his hands were where? where were her hands ? she closes her eyes and tries to think and recapture the moments the touching and holding but its a blur and a misty moment of lips and kisses and warm and wet she embraces herself holds herself close feels her hands about her body her fingers about her shoulders about her arms ringing bells sounding alarms