A HARSH SEA 1940

A BLIND WOMAN WHO IS ALSO AN AMPUTEE IN A London HOSPITAL IN 1940.

It is still dark on the ward
when I open my eyes

I hear voices
hear moans and groans
some far off
some near

I need to pee
and wonder where
the commode is
is it near?

I sit up in the bed
and push back
the sheet and blankets
and using my hands
move myself to the edge
of the bed
and stare into the dark
space ahead of me

I put out my right hand
and search about me
(my left hand balancing me
on the edge of the bed)

my leg stumps bandaged
are aching
and this makes me anxious
as I encounter a bedside cabinet
and a water jug and class

Grace what are you doing?
a voice says to my left

I try and find
where she is
who has spoken to me
who are you?
I ask

Nurse Kavel
she says
her voice concerned but soft
you should not be on the edge
so fragile as you are
what did you want?
she asks again

I'm searching for the commode
I need to pee
I say

the commode
is on the other side of the bed
she says
but surely you're not
thinking of doing it alone?

I need to pee
I say

and with no legs
how was you proposing
to get on the commode?
she says
her voice more concerned

I didn't think of how
I just felt the need
I say

even if you managed
to get on the commode
how did you propose
to pull up your nightgown
at the same time as sitting?
she says

I reach out to touch her
and she grabs
my hand with hers

careful if you fall
off the edge you will
hit the floor and God knows
what damage you will do
she says

I turn toward the voice
and try to imagine
what she looks like

I am desperate to pee
I say

all right
she says
wait there
and I hear her footsteps go off

there is still
other voices and sounds
and far off someone cries

I smell disinfect
and urine and bodies

I hear footsteps return
and she says
sit still
and I feel
her hands lift me
into a wheelchair
(she seems strong
or I am light as a doll)
and settles me down

she says
right I will wheel you
to the toilets
to give you privacy

and off we go in the darkness
I feel as if I'm going
through space
on an adventure
into a deeper darkness
and just hope I get there
before I explode
my wee like a dyke
pushed aside
by a harsh sea.