FactoidMan and ShallowManA Poem by Terry O'Leary[Well,
ShallowMan’s ne’er at a loss for voicing
shallow thoughts that gloss. With
trenchant wit he reaps the dross when seeking
sense in applesauce. But to his
aid flies FactoidMan who always
has a Fact at hand; with him,
who needs a whether-man to answer
“if?” or “but?” or “and?”?] FM “Oh
ShallowMan, let me explain the Facts of
life to you, so plain, yet flush with truthful thoughts arcane. When understood, you won’t maintain that
callowness you think urbane.” SM “Oh
FactoidMan, give benedictions, save me from
all contradictions with your
knowledge, no restrictions finding
Facts, avoiding fictions.” FM “Well, when
in doubt, you always may request my
help to find your way through
shades of black and white and gray, and from the
Facts you’ll never stray. Yes,
ShallowMan, I’ll make your day.” SM “Since
yesteryear I’ve wondered why I’m served a
piece of humble pie whene’er
attempting to descry just what’s
a Fact, and what’s a lie, and which be
Facts one can’t deny. With candor,
can you edify me with some
recondite reply?”
FM “Well, as
you know, my Facts are Facts which
naught nor nothing counteracts and
things that do, mere artifacts in dim
myopic cataracts.”
“A lie’s
a thing which disagrees with
Facts I utter, if you please, and hides
the forest from the trees ignoring
all my verities.”
“And this
reminds me of my youth, with
axioms defined as truth which I
selected as a sleuth (abetted
by a sweet vermouth); I being
now so long of tooth, to
contradict me’s hardly couth.”
SM “That
certainly helps me clarify whom I
can trust: yeah, you’re the guy! Now,
furthermore I’ve wondered why the moon
can’t fall and clouds can fly. What’s
called that law those facts defy? And mightn’t
I just give a try to make a
guess to verify?” FM “If you link
your facts to law (ah, please
excuse a gruff guffaw) you’ll
certainly flaunt a flimsy flaw that strains
belief and breaks the straw of what
you’ve heard and thought you saw. (I‘ll leave
you with some bones to gnaw that leave
you holding me in awe when once
you’ve grasped and gasped ‘aha’). So tell me
now your ideas, raw, but keep it
short, your blah, blah, blah.” SM “Umm, could
it be just gravity (well,
something like a theory that some
call Relativity) which pulls
the apple from the tree and puts a
strain upon my knee; or is that
fact absurdity?” FM “Ahem, a
theory’s just a theory, not a
Fact, it’s all so eerie, something
which should make you leery as
explained until I’m weary.”
SM “If
Relativity’s a theory, and a
theory’s not a Fact, is it a
fiction I can query when I’m
falling, ere I’m whacked?” FM “Though
theories might be based on Fact, a theory is, in fact, not backed by any cause, effect or act which might be salvaged when attacked. For you, this
Fact may seem abstract, plumb depths
where shallow thoughts distract.” “Yes, what
goes up must soon come down is quite a
Fact of world renown. But theory’s
just a heathen gown to deck the
naked King in town, and when he
falls, he breaks his crown which leaves
him wearing but a frown.” “It surely
should be obvious, the property
of Heaviness (like
Godliness and Heaven-ness) defines the
cosmic edifice, refuting
Newton’s flakiness and
Einstein’s spooky emphasis on
space-time’s 4-D flimsiness. Yes, Facts
like these are copious (I count
them with my abacus); to argue
would be blasphemous displaying
mental barrenness about the
push and pulling stress when
bouncing balls rebound, unless one views
elastic laziness as evil
Satan’s stubbornness.” SM “Well now I
think I understand, that gravity
seems somewhat grand, but’s just,
in fact, a rubber band that
stretches through our earth-bound-land constricting
us when we expand.” FM “Yes, ShallowMan, you finally got it, just as I’ve long preached and taught it. I’m so happy that you’ve bought it. (Not a question nor an audit - you’re so shallow, who’d have thought it?)” [Once ShallowMan dipped into science seeking FactoidMan’s alliance gaining, hence, a strong reliance on the Facts and their appliance, Justifying strong compliance, turning down those in defiance. SM “Hey, FactoidMan, another topic leaves me reeling, gyroscopic, dealing with the microscopic in a world kaleidoscopic.” “Within the realm of vacuum loops Dark Energy in quantum soups of anti-matter sometimes swoops across inflation’s Big Bang stoops where space-time ends and matter droops. Do you believe, or just the dupes? FM “It’s
nothing but a passing phase, (a theory
that in fact betrays obscure
occult communiqués that fevered
fantasy conveys) of those who
thump creation days. Just
check! The vacuum state portrays perfection
in your shallow ways reflected
in that vacant gaze you cast
upon the dossiers of all my
Facts that so amaze.” SM “And what
about the quantum theory? Particles
not hard but smeary, just like
waves? It’s kinda eerie! Facts could
not be quite so bleary leaving
Bohr, well, sad and teary. FactoidMan,
just tell me, dearie, what the
Facts are, bright or dreary.” “And then
again what are those holes (as black as
ravens bathed in coals) wherein the
past and future strolls exploiting
fields that Higgs controls beneath the
shady shallow shoals between magnetic monopoles.” FM “The science lab’s a ‘fact’ory concocting stuff that cannot be (like unknown realms and notably those tiny things NoMan can see with naked eye on bended knee neath microscopic scrutiny) and claim they’ve found reality; they call their god a ‘Theo’ry (a fig-ment of the Yum-Yum tree) that leads them to hyperbole about the singularity that’s dipped in dazed duplicity denying all eternity.” “Here’s my advice that seems to work: ignore the ones with ‘facts’ that lurk behind their ‘proofs’ (which always irk), and being challenged have the quirk of stepping back within the murk (indulged, I chuckle, smile or smirk).” [Now ShallowMan is quite content receiving FactoidMan’s consent to quibble and express dissent as long as keeping covenant with fingers crossed and belfry bent when viewing Facts in sealed cement:] SM “The Facts you give me circumvent those ‘truths’ your chuckles supplement; although they might disorient they can’t be wrong, I won’t dissent, just using ones which you invent.“ FM “(No need of source in that event).” SM “Your wise advice is simply sound in cases where a game is bound to parcel points out round by round or else on verbal battleground where know-it-alls are duly crowned.” [Though ShallowMan is kinda slow he still takes time to learn and throw his facts and theories to and fro, amazing facts which seem to show that theories sometimes come and go, returning strengthened with the glow of new found facts (for which to crow) that fill the gaps of long ago.] SM “Oh FactoidMan, just tip your cap! I’ve found a piece to fill the gap that simplifies a mouse’s trap: if triggerless, it still will clap to give the mouse a mighty zap that makes its tiny back bone snap.” “With mousetrap type simplexity, reducible complexity helps arguments’ duplexity with twists of crude convexity.” FM “Ha-ha! That serves to prove my case: for each gap filled, two in its place, each growing at the doubled pace; for unfilled gaps, I’m saying grace (they help, indeed, for saving face).” [Once ShallowMan
had dared to question FactoidMan’s
sublime suggestion:] FM “With a
little predigestion all my Facts
compel ingestion helping shallow decongestion.” SM “FactoidMan,
take no offense, I know your
knowledge is immense amidst your
store of Facts quite dense, yet still
I’m hanging in suspense about your
unassumed pretense and if (or
not) your Facts make sense. What say
you, sage, in your defense?”
FM “My Facts
are self-sustaining views supported
by my mighty muse; if
disbelief is what you choose just
listen to the gull that mews, eructing
fake and faulty news.” “My Facts are meant
for one and all” [cried FactoidMan within the stall] FM “I plop them out and when they fall (yes, be they large or be they small) they leave all witnesses in thrall.” [Then
FactoidMan informed the crew (you know
the ones, the chosen few, who try to
twist his Facts askew, subjecting
them to peer review which puts
them in the waiting queue for litter
to be hid from view):] FM “Well Facts
are Facts, yes that is true so don’t be
sad and don’t feel blue when sitting
dazed without a clue; once more,
that’s why I’m here for you.” “For in my
wisdom you may wallow if you
simply seek and follow, chew my
Facts, then gulp and swallow, stuff your
soul, now blank and hollow.” SM “But
FactoidMan, I fail to see the
emptiness inside of me” [said
ShallowMan with modesty and cert’nly
not hyperbole.] SM “You’ve
filled me with a potpourri of concepts
bathed in harmony all
self-contained and error free (adjudged by
you, the referee, with whom no
one could disagree and still
remain your devotee).” [FactoidMan
may steal a stride with Miss Direction at his side to conquer, baffle or divide; she
sometimes slyly serves to guide us on a
roller coaster ride through
subtle logic simplified and fuzzy
Facts unverified.] FM “We’ll make
you guys sit back in wonder stealing all
your blood and thunder when you’ve
found you’ve made a blunder, thrusting
you to realms down under dank defeat,
dun dirt and dunder (pseudo-logic’s
would-be plunder, Miss
Direction’s torn asunder).” SM “Do Miss
Direction’s humble graces pivot
progress towards new places into which
loose logic races (hinged on
fundamental bases counter
argument outpaces)? And what
about the other cases tied with
loose ends time unlaces? Just
rubbish, reason soon erases leaving
lumps or tiny traces in the gaps
and other spaces?” “Yes, Miss Direction will confirm my wisdom
hides no wily worm, though
simpletons will surely squirm with Facts
they fail to disaffirm within the
short or longer term.” “She can
lecture, you can learn about the
twists at every at every turn in arguments
that you should spurn when served
an ace but can’t return without
disgrace and ego burn that leaves
your ashes in an urn. (In case you
listen, you’ll discern that winning
spins are my concern.)” [Well
ShallowMan was full of stunts, posed one
more question which confronts:] SM “Although
your data sometimes blunts the points
of other’s arguments your
reasoning quite oft affronts when based
on claims that logic shunts. Well, won’t
this break your covenants?” [Then Miss
Direction screamed at once that
“ShallowMan’s a silly munce”.] FM “But that is
neither here nor there” [said
FactoidMan with scant a care] FM “for
ShallowMan may often err: without my
Facts, he’s not a prayer, so should
believe and be aware that truth
is mine and never dare to think new thoughts (and so despair).” [Then
FactoidMan revealed a frown in which a
pompous smirk could drown:] FM “Yes,
ShallowMan’s a depthless clown who must
look up for seeing down; he lives his
life in Flatland Town, his thinking
cap’s a dunce’s crown.” [But
ShallowMan took no offence though things
were getting kind of tense (with some
regrets for being dense) and answered
in his own defense:] SM “At times
credulity replaces rationality
in cases where belief in faith’s the basis (filling
holes with empty spaces) voiding
proofs that logic traces.” FM “Does logic
really play a role? It’s
certainly not the aim or goal! Instead, to wheedle or cajole, while using
Facts which I control, is somewhat
simpler on the whole.” SM “Oh
FactoidMan, it’s now so clear the reason
why we need you here, protecting
from the puppeteer who pulls
our strings to interfere with Facts
of yours we should revere, and paves
our path with morbid fear our straight
and narrow bent may veer from
certainty you hold so dear, rejecting
theories which cohere, ensconced in
science, so sincere; and all be
damned should doubts appear.” FM “ShallowMan,
if you’ve conflictions owing to
your mind’s addictions to
subconscious maledictions, due to doubt
in old convictions; tell me now
of your afflictions.” SM “FactoidMan,
I must confess I understand
you more or less though
subtleties provoke distress, and even
more your fine finesse inclines to
make my mind compress. Forgive me
now my cheekiness in asking
you for some redress; although
you’ve certainly gained success convincing
others, nonetheless my
valuations retrogress to untold
depths of shallowness the more
your reasons (which impress onlookers
with your cleverness at citing
Facts, most referenceless) dissolve
like dragons in Loch Ness.” [Well FactoidMan
must simply smile (and
sometimes chuckles for a while) when
ShallowMan acts infantile and won’t
attempt to reconcile those Facts
that rhyme like truth and guile.] SM “I know that
all you say’s legit though oft
your Facts sound counterfeit and leave my
dawning mind unlit (just
feeling like a retrofit). But, on the
whole, I must admit, a mental
fog’s a benefit; when eyes
are closed and hairs are split expressions
vague, I might submit although the
Facts don’t seem to fit! Please help
me once to cope with it.” FM “Oh
ShallowMan you’re so amusing when my
Facts you find confusing; you’ve no
profit when refusing simple
truths of my own choosing; bathe in
wisdom I’m suffusing when awake
or else while snoozing.” SM “Oh
FactoidMan, ’twould be a sin to mourn for
thoughts that might-have-been if you had
had more time to spin some
arguments to underpin conclusions
bringing much chagrin to those who
try to do yours in. For yes, it
seems your notion’s thin (though
acrid, sweetened up within a grain of
salt called saccharin).” FM “Yes,
ShallowMan, you must have known, I’d find
your mindset set-in-stone when
claiming notions underblown (especially
those I call my own) ignoring all
the Facts I’ve shown, a lapse to
which you’re plainly prone.” SM “No,
FactoidMan, I’m not disbanding your
contentions so outstanding (even though
they need expanding for a
thorough understanding); with some
polish or else sanding (you know,
somewhat less demanding) they might
make a model landing, lack of
catwalk notwithstanding.” FM “To answer
you I’ll write a ditty getting to
the nitty-gritty, oh so lofty,
oh so witty, where the
Facts shine, oh so pretty; if you’re
lost, then more’s the pity, tell it to
my subcommittee, ‘Miss
Direction’s Detour City’. Now it’s time to feed the kitty.” [Well FactoidMan’s concluding quip to give advice and hold his grip (by letting words of wisdom drip) displayed adroit one-upmanship:] FM “Hubba hubba, ching ching ching, now I’ve taught you everything without a hook, without a
string; you needn’t clutch, you needn’t cling, just bow instead and kiss my ring.” © 2019 Terry O'Leary
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Added on January 25, 2019 Last Updated on January 25, 2019 AuthorTerry O'LearyFranceAbouta physicist lacking gravity... learning more and more... about less and less... until we finally know... everything about nothing... more..Writing
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