My Blood or you're blood.

A boy who escapes his planet after it was attacked by another planet. Its about his journey to find out what happen to his family and to avenge the family.

Today the clouds broke, two swirling lines of smoke lead to the ground. It looked like the sun fell, the fire infuse the air and the ground shook. First bombs had landed and as I watched from the window I could see my dad’s reflection, he was running at me. He quickly grabbed me and I snapped out of the trance the shock had put me in. We ran towards the basement but it was too late, my body had risen from the floor and I held on as tight as I could to my father’s arm but I lost grip. The house had been hit by a missile; the walls crumbled around me and singed. As I hit the floor and my ears rang I laid in pain, my father scrambled to find the rest of the family. I stood up and headed towards my father to try and help find my family, my father screamed my mother and brothers name but I could not hear any call back. I grabbed my father’s shoulder turned him around and he immediately lead me outside the house. He told me to leave the planet while I still could and never return and wait for him once I was out. So I ran into the fields and headed for the governments local traveling facility, as I ran I looked over my head and missiles were raining from the sky hitting the ground around me.

I made it to the facility an inside was one military official dying; he told me how to turn on the machines and to travel out of this world to a place where all the worlds meet. So I ran outside towards a bright white light that shot from the symbols on the ground, I stepped into the light surrounding me and I felt like I had been lifted from the ground and I was flying through ocean of colorful lights. My time traveling was so quick and in a blink of an eye I was on the ground, I looked around at the strange land and realize that I had made a mistake turning on the machines I had forgotten to change the place I was traveling to. The town I landed in was so quiet and had no signs of life not even a bird in the sky.  I yelled out screaming for help but no one answered. Then out of nowhere someone hit me on the head, when I came to I was in a large prison cell. There only seemed to be young kids like myself in this cell, all the kids were bruised, silent and filthy. Cell door suddenly opened and guards came through with clubs, the kids immediately stood up still. As I looked around the room every kid stood in attention but hands trembled at the sight of the guards, some started to cry but all had fear in their eyes. Then the guards turned their attention to me. The guards came to me and just started whaling on me with everything they had, blood flew from my mouth all over the floor and then suddenly they stopped. I gathered that I was supposed to stand when they entered, so I stood up and the guards turned their attention away from me.

They took us all outside and had us line up, a woman dressed like a doctor walked the line of kids and wrote down things on her clip board gathering information about each of us. She asked us questions like if we had any kind of sickness or disease and how fast we could run. They made each kid do obstacle courses and after the physical test we all went to the prison library and did aptitude test. Well I was testing I started looking around at all the markings on the walls. So many different languages but I manage to see the planets symbol in English, Copland. I remember my father telling me of this planet once and that they had a prison for young adults and kids, they try and pick out all the smarter or more physical kids to train and give them a chance to be free as long as they are a part of the police for that runs their own planet and most of the universe. Our testing time was done so we went to back to the cell, in the middle of the cell was buckets of meat, bread, water. Not all of the kids came back to the cell, those were the ones that were given the option to be a soldier. After I ate I became really oddly tired and slept till morning. I gathered that the bread was laced with a sleep drug. I sat up against the wall trying to get rid of my grogginess then the cell door opened and new kids walked through. I stared at all of them looking at the different cultures that were coming into the cell. One kid had white poufy kind of spiked hair, his tattoos ran from his neck all the way down to his wrist, his name was Max. Another kid behind him was a black kid from America, he had Chinese symbols on his for arms and his name was Damon. As the new kids picked their spots on the floor I noticed Max went right for another kid who was much younger and the kid started crying when Max started hugging him. I gathered by their conversation that that little crying kid was Max’s little brother.  Then the guards came into the room and all of us stood up, the guards collected the buckets and left the cell. Damon picked a corner and kept to himself away from all the kids. I noticed that oddly the shadows on the wall appeared to be moving away from Damon. A few hours passed as I observed my fellow inmates and noon came around so the guards came back. Again they took us outside and lined us all up. Damon stood beside me in line and even the shadows cast from our bodies started moving away from Damon. Max and his little brother were in the middle of the line and the woman with the clip board started walking the line and asking questions. Then Max stepped forward out of line, the guards quickly turned their attention to him and yelled at him to get back into line but Max wouldn’t budge. Guards stared to approach Max pulling out there electric night sticks an one of the guards tried to hit Max but he caught it and somehow made the electricity run through his body and come out his other hand spreading to the other guards killing them all instantly.

All the kids started running from Max and the guards in the towers started shooting these balls of electricity at Max and he was catching them and throwing them back killing the guards. After the guards were dead Max started running back into the prison with all the inmates, a riot started and the inmates started freeing each other and before I knew it the prison was being over thrown by the inmates. In the confusion and all the dead bodies and fighting going on I started to follow Max and his little brother, but I noticed that Damon following me. Max lead us to the portal room inside the prison, I started to put it together that this was a planned attempt by Max to break his brother out. Max and his brother started turning on the portal readying it and guards rushed in trying to stop them.

I ran into the room and jumped onto a guard pushing him into the wall and he hit his head hard and was knocked unconscious. Damon stepped into the room and his symbols on his arm started to glow blue and he shot light from his arms striking all the guards and the shadows around in the room started to take form and rip the guards apart. Max got the portals ready while Damon killed the guards. Then Damon turned his focus to me but Max little brother stepped in front of me and called Damon by his name and ordered him to stand down and to let me live since I tried to help kill the guards. Then a large circle appeared on the floor and a portal symbol was in the middle of it. Damon went through stepped into the circle a disappeared, Max grabbed his little brother’s hand and stepped into the circle and they were gone. A guard came into the room and started shooting at me as I stepped into the circle and I was back were all the worlds meet, right when I appeared Damon started telling Max that this place was dangerous then I heard its name, the Nexus. The Nexus was a big concrete platform with portals all around it in a circle, black stoned arches went over the portals but behind the portals were nothing but emptiness almost like space only no star or planets just something that resembled fog. Each portal had its own symbol carved into the black stone around it; in the middle of this platform was a well that was filled with shadows.

 I approached them to be part of the conversation; Damon was telling Max that they need to hurry to get him and his brother back to their home planet. The Nexus has never been a safe place, to many souls pass through and most are evil to the maximum. Max little brother Sam went to find which portal would lead home, I thanked Max and Damon for being there and that if it wasn’t for them trying to save Sam I would still be a slave and God knows what would have happened to me. Max extended his hand and thanked me for aiding in the escape, and then he asked me what was next for me. I told him that I need to find out what had happen to my parents and my home. Sam yelled to his brother that he had found the way home. We said our goodbyes and Max and Sam stepped through and went home. Damon turned to me and said that if the darkness ever takes me, call to him and he will come, then he stepped through the portal. I walked away and headed towards my portal thinking about what he meant, as I got to it just before I was going to step through some beam of light shot out of it and a man came through and hit me so hard my head jerked feeling like it almost broke off and I flew into the air and hit the ground 15 ft away.  As he approached me I looked at his tattoos on his body, they were Titan warrior tattoos symbolizing a champion. He called out my name; this monster knew who I was. The warrior said that he was here to finish what his planet had started and to kill me and the last of the survivors. Then he picked me up by my leg and swung and threw me, I hit the ground skidding and bouncing off it and slid next to a random portal. I suddenly felt this pull from the portal, it was trying to suck me in but I tried to fight it. The titan was walking towards me and by then half my body was through the portal. There was no way I was going to let this guy kill me so I stopped resisting and let the portal consume me.

                      Soulless me

                On the other side I landed on a roof top and started to feel my insides turning, my body heated up and I screamed out in pain. My eyes got big and I felt like a part of me was lifting out of myself. Something shot from my body and flew faster than I could track with my eyes into the sky then exploded into hundreds of lightning bolts. Strangely it started raining immediately, I stood up and went to the ledge of the building to see where I was and I was overlooking the city that looked like New York from earth only 5 times bigger. I looked in shock and awe at how big the city was, some buildings were really old and had looked like it was hit by a bomb, certain areas of the city were on fire, the clouds were black and the sky was red, lightening was yellow and the thunder sounded like nukes in the air. The rain was clearly water but it smelled like blood, my hands started to glow with a blue light surrounding it and then suddenly I appeared in a room sitting in a chair in handcuffs with a room full of strange people and a man sitting at the desk in front of me welcomed me to Vultrus. The man told me that once you come to this planet you are stripped of your soul and it goes to purgatory.

                      Purgatory

                I flew through the sky and traveled through different places and times skipping over oceans and mass pieces of land. Then I shot through a black hole in mid air over a field and when I came through on the other side my feet hit the ground. I looked up and I was in a long brick tunnel, there was daylight at the end that lit up the whole tunnel. The walls were green and had vines going in and out that aligned with the way out almost like that had been guided in growth. Heat and water droplets came from the ceiling and the ground gave off a chill. I started walking down the tunnel and as I got closer I could hear screams behind me, as I turned around a darkness started to move quicker and quicker at me so I started to run. While I was running there were human bones sticking out of the walls. I got close to the end and I was ahead of the darkness there were more bones, arms sticking out and as I tried to get pass them one moved and grabbed me, I struggle to try and get myself free but it wouldn’t budge. The darkness just kept gaining and gaining on me, there was a loose brick in the wall, I pulled it out and broke the arm and fell from the tunnel a couple feet down onto the ground and the arm still had a grip on me. I pulled back the fingers and took the arm off me. Suddenly a swooshing sound started and it sound like bird wings over my head, then these creatures hit the ground and spread their wings. These creatures were all cut up and looked like there whole bodies had been scalped and eaten by maggots then had been rotting and baking in the sun. I figure they were the welcoming party to where ever I had travel to. I quickly yelled at them to leave me alone and they looked at each other and hissed back at me like snakes. They started moving at me and the only weapon I had was the arm, so I lunged the arm at the creature and the sharp ends of the fingers pierced its flesh, the creature cried out in pain so loud my ears were ringing and bleeding, the other creatures panicked and fled.

 I pulled out the arm so the creature would stop screaming and as soon as I did the creature turned to a stiff of ash. I observed the area around me and it seemed I was in a jungle of some sort. I knocked down the stiff and it crumbled to dust, now it was just a pile of ash cloths and what little gear the creature had. I picked up this strap the creature had that went around its shoulder over its back and under its arm and over its chest back to its shoulder. I put it on and put the arm through the slot it had in it that was for a sword. A memory of what Damon had said to me popped up in my mind, I had no idea by his definition of darkness so I knelled in the shadow of a tree and called out to him almost like I was praying but no answer, I begged and continued to call out but it seemed useless, then I heard movement and the sound of wood cracking, it startled me so I started to run through the woods and ran for 3 miles flat until I got to a creek. The creek was clear but smelled like rotten meat; I looked down the river a ways and followed it to a big clearing. The river flowed right off the edge, all I seen was more forest. Since there was no way down I needed to find another path to try and figure out where I was and how I get out of there. So I crossed the river and headed into the woods again, I got a mile in and I started to feel warmth on my back, so I grabbed the arm and it was glowing red. It glowed for a couple seconds and then stopped, then I heard movement all around me. I started to hear panting and howling, then wolves came out of the darkness. Each wolf had a different color of eyes; some of their fur was black with red spots stained from blood. A few of them were white with blue tipped tales. The pack got closer and closer and then one stepped ahead of the rest as they came at me in a circle. I turned to the head wolf; he suddenly ran at me and jumped at my chest.

I swung the arm scratching the wolfs belly and lighting shot from the finger tips scorching the beast and as soon as he hit the ground poor Fido was dead. The rest attacked biting and scratching me I hit each one as fast I could, each slash made the arms power grow. A wolf knocked me down and stood with his front paws digging into my stomach, when I hit the ground the arm was glowing and had electricity flowing through it and as it connect in the ground it sent a shock wave around me exploding all the wolves except for the one with its claws in me. The arm logged into the ground so good I couldn’t get it loose with one hand so I let go and grabbed the wolf by its throat, I decided to give the him a taste of his own medicine and I bit into the beast neck and ripped out a mouth full of flesh. I grabbed its paws and broke its legs and used its claws to pierce the body killing the last wolf. I decided that I needed another weapon for close combat, so I separated a broken leg from the wolf and cleaned off the fur and flesh and broke it down to knife size.

                My cuts were pretty bad and I needed to find a place to hide and tend to my wounds, so I kept walking through the forest until I stumbled upon a small gave I could hide in. I felt so drained I could barely walk into the cave, I got a few feet in and I fell to my knees and felt like I was going to pass out. I grabbed the arm and the wolf bone knife and leaned up against a wall and my eyes were feeling so heavy I closed them and drifted into sleep. When I woke up I panicked because I fell asleep to close to the entrance of the cave so I was really exposed to anyone who walked by. Luckily no one had come by, I checked my wounds and miraculously they were healed, so I kept thinking about it how could I have healed over night. When I fell asleep I was holding the arm in such a way that the hand was covering my wounds all night and it must have healed me, dam this arm is bad a*s, it has been my saving grace.  Since my wounds were healed there was no reason to stay in the cave anymore so I headed towards the exit. Just before I exited the cave I noticed some writing on the cave wall, there was all kinds of different languages and symbols on the wall. In the middle of all the markings was a giant symbol for Purgatory, under the symbol it said he whose soul resides here shall be judge by all the other souls that reside in Purgatory. Well s**t at least I know where I am now.  I left the cave and headed through the woods again, after a few hours of walking I heard loud screams so I started running towards the screams. I got closer and closer until I could see what was going on, I had just missed a brutal fight, I stayed hidden in the trees and observed what had happened.

Bodies were everywhere and some had limbs ripped off and bit marks all over their bodies. The men who survived the fight were biting into the flesh of the last few people that they had attacked; they appeared to be drinking their blood. Then it hit me, my dad use to tell me stories of humans on Earth who use to drink other humans blood, Vampires. I didn’t want to take on these vampires so I turned away to leave and just as I did there was a vampire right in my face, she hit me so hard I flew right into the open were all the other vamps were. I quickly stood up and with my weapons in hand, the vamps turned their attention to me, one quickly tried to attack and I stabbed him with the wolf blade, the vampire screamed and dropped to its knees and I watched as  the vampires veins turned black like it had been poisoned. The vamp screamed out wolfs blood to the other vamps, I never cleaned the blood off the wolfs bone. The other vampires tried to attack me before I could pull the blade from the dying vamp. Just as they got close enough to bite me a loud ringing started and we all hit the ground covering our ears. A black hole appeared in mid air above us and a man dropped through, it was Damon, the ringing stopped and the vamps stood up to try and attack Damon. Damon turned the vampires shadows against them and the shadows bit into the vampires draining them of their blood and ripped the hearts from there chest. Damon walked to me as the vampires fell to their death; I asked him how he knew where I was. Damon said that when I had called to him when I was in the shadows he was able to hear me so he knew I needed help, he used the shadows to figure out where I was but it took him awhile to figure out a way to get into Purgatory.

                Damon had to die to get her but he is able to come back from death within a certain time or he would be lost. He led me to a part of Purgatory called the worship grounds, this part of Purgatory use to be a sort of worship place for Native Americans. But the Native Americans had a big battle with demon monks and both sides killed each other off. But there was a lot of magic used by both sides so close together it created a spot of energy that spread out a 1 mile radius. Damon figured this out before he came and knew that he could harness this energy to open a mile long portal. So I asked him how is it that he is able to do this, he said only his kind could do this, Damon’s blood line is from the elder gods. But long ago Damon’s family was killed after they had been be trade the gods when Damon was a boy, Damon wondered around from planet to planet until he was taken in by Max and his family. Damon said that he will only be able to do this once, after he harnesses the energy and uses it, he will have used up all the power. One bad thing about doing this is what ever soul is in the mile radius will travel with us through the portal and be unleashed. Who knows what all is in this God forsaken place, most of the souls that are here should never be let out because of how evil and powerful they are. Damon started to harness the energy from the ground him, while Damon did so I seen from a distance 3 woman walk from the trees and screamed so loud it echoed for miles. Each woman was naked and had black wings, as they approached us Damon yelled to me that they were sirens and whatever I do don’t listen to them when they start to sing, when ever sirens sing it’s so beautiful that you can’t resist and you come to them.

Just my luck they started singing and I couldn’t plug my ears good enough to not hear them, the song they sang was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, I put down my hands and started to walk towards them. Damon yelled at me to not go and resist them but they had me, I got lost in their beauty. Damon was pulling so much energy that if he moved to get me he would lose the hold and loose the power.  Eventually I got so close to the sirens I was completely lost in this overwhelming feeling of warmth and love, the sirens stopped and extended their hands to touch my face but right before they did we disappeared from purgatory and landed in a dessert on Earth somewhere. The travel from Purgatory to Earth wasn’t pleasant for me and when I landed in the dessert I immediately hit the ground, I felt drained of my strength for a few minutes until Damon came and picked me up. I asked him where did the sirens go and he said that they had landed somewhere away from us. Now that we were on earth we could find the nearest city and try and use the portal to get back to the Nexus. So we headed out and walked for miles, since Damon was a God the sun had no affect on him, but oddly it didn’t affect me. When we finally started to see signs of civilization we seen a road with a green sign that said Las Vegas, so we followed the Road to Vegas.

 

                      Soulless me

                The man behind the desk said his name was Carter and that he works for the company called The Order. Carter said the company intercepts some people when they get here and try to recruit them to the company. The Order is a company full of guns for hire, as he went on and on I was thinking to myself I didn’t care who he was and what he wanted. So I interrupted him and told him that he could take his offer and shove it up his a*s, I broke free of the hand cuffs and his men started attacking me by shocking me to try and put me down, one struck me in the neck and Carter came over and said that it didn’t matter if I wanted to be with the company or not that they have a way of controlling me. Then this woman came in the room and while the goons held me down on the floor she painted some kind of symbol on my chest, she cut her hand and dripped blood on the symbol and started speaking in Latin and she put some kind of spell on me. They let me go and I stood up, as soon as I did my brain felt like it was rewiring itself, I started to see symbols everywhere and then it stopped and I suddenly wanted to be a part of the company. They gave me my first assignment right there and said I had to find a kid that had stolen from the company and to kill him and retrieve the artifact the kid has on a chain around his neck. Carter gave me a file on the kid, his name is Lucas, 12 year old kid from Hades.

Author's Note

Be honest and tell me what you think.

Reviews

[J. Land]

Great concept, Cory. Sorry it took me so long to get to it. I think you have a much longer story on your hands, though. You jump through the plot, but don't linger enough in each situation for the reader to immerse in it. I really like what's going on here, but I didn't have time to connect with your character. You need to create the world around your story and let the story flow naturally into that world (or series of worlds). Take JK Beach's advice carefully. He makes a lot of helpful suggestions.

You've got an exciting story here. I hope I get to see more of it.

[Cory]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and the advice. :)

[Sophy Freebirds]

A very interesting concept.. but the lines were so lengthy that i wasn't able to stick to the meaning... Describe more about your character don't plunge into action immediat3ly but create an atmosphere.. You've a brain full of ideas hone your skills well.you can be a great writer.you've got the potential.

~Sophy

[Cory]

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I have a problem with my imagination getting ahead of me and if i don't spit the ideas out sometimes i lose them. Review is very much appreciated.

[Sophy Freebirds]

I guess this was the rough draft.. Jot down the points and work on it later you can benefit from Mr.Beach's suggestion. Anyways wishing you luck. :)

[Jack Wolfe]

Hey, Cory, sorry for the time it took me to get to this. Okay, you move way too fast, I understand it's suppose to be action-packed, but it goes by in blurs. You need to slow down and avoid running your sentences together—it does make the pace fast, which is what you want in these scenes, the problem in your telling me all the events, rather than showing them to me e.g. Johnny went to the store. Johnny bought milk. Johnny went home. Johnny shot his parents. (there's a story there, but as a reader I didn't experience any of it, instead you 'told' me what happened.)

Another Example of this would be: 'I made it to the facility an inside was one military official dying; he told me how to turn on the machines and to travel out of this world to a place where all the worlds meet.' (this could be made into an entire scene—he's frantic, terrified, there's a dying man on the floor, debris, blood, if he doesn't get out he'll die too, can he leave this man to die, help—either action speaks to his character.

I think you have an interesting story here, if you slow down, and show the story through you main character's perspective it will enrich this quite a bit. When writing try and write as if you were that character (or watching). For the life of me I don't remember who said it, and I'm paraphrasing “Writers are the secret agents of the world, we sneak around watching, and then report.”

I hope this helps.

[Cory]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and the advice. :) this is only a piece of what i have in store.

[J. K. Beach]

Hi Cory--

I had a chance to look over your story last night. I like the ideas and the action very much. It is an engaging tale.

A couple of plot things: Try not to advance the story quite so fast. I know this is a first, or nearly first, draft, but try to develop the action of a scene fully as you write before you move on. Don't wait to come back later, it's usually harder.

Same for grammar: It's easier to get it down as close to right as you can while you are writing. Coming back later to fix every little problem is a pain.

Here are a few points to consider. It is not an exhaustive list, but its a good start.

1) Break your writing into smaller paragraphs to create structure and prevent everything from running together. Paragraphs are usually only 4-5 sentences long (though definitely not a hard and fast rule). You have some that go on for pages. Get used to thinking in small easily handled units/paragraphs. It’s easier than going back later and trying to cut it apart.

2) Paragraphs usually encompass a single idea; one person’s quote/complete comment; or action that happens without a pause. If you can take a breath in the action, make a paragraph.

3) Don’t use “and” to string together sentences that could just as well stand on their own

4) Use dialogue when possible to enliven action. (show instead of explaining)

5) Avoid really long sentences like the plague.

6) Make smooth transitions between ideas and scenes

7) If your word processing program has a grammar checker—turn it on. It is usually pretty good at catching things. Though, you can ignore passive voice some of the time (very small amount, 5% maybe).

8) Avoid passive sentence structure. Yours is an action story—let there be action.

9) Find a tense and stick to it! At least in the same paragraph or scene.

What follows is a short rewrite of your first paragraph. Take it with a grain of salt. It is meant to show the shorter paragraphs, proper tense structure, more standalone sentences. I tried to remain true to the story, just added a bit here and took away a bit there. Like I said I am no grammar guru. These are just basic concepts. Compare the rewrite carefully to your original paragraph and try to incorporate as much as you can into how you write. I can't stress enough that this saves time in the end. There are always edits in the end, but writing well as you go along helps immensely. Even this quick rewrite can be made vastly better, but it's a start

So, here it is...

[Today the clouds finally broke and we got the first look at the sun we’d had in weeks. Strangely though, as we stood there, two swirling lines of smoke appeared in the sky leading from the last remaining clouds to the ground. It looked as if the sun had fallen. Fire infused the air and the ground shook! As the first bombs landed, I watched from the window, stunned. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my dad running toward the house. He ran inside, grabbed me, and pushed me toward the basement door, snapping me out of the trance the shock of seeing my world fall apart had put me in.
We ran towards the basement but it was too late. Our bodies rose from the floor and even though I held on as tight as I could to my father’s arm I lost my grip. I figured a missile must have hit the house. The walls crumbled around me and fires sprang up that singed my clothes and hair. As I hit the floor again, my ears rang and the heat was almost unbearable. I lay in pain, while my father scrambled away to find the rest of the family.
I stood up and headed towards my father to try to help him locate my mother and younger brother. We screamed out their names but we couldn’t hear anyone answer. Then I grabbed my father’s shoulder, turned him around, and made him look at me. After the shock of not finding my mother or brother wore off, he immediately pulled me out of the smoking and crumbling house.
He took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and told me, “You have to try to leave the planet while there’s still a chance you can get away! Do not return for any reason! I will try to find your mother and brother and meet you (somewhere plausible for them to meet). Do not leave there, without us!”
As I ran into the fields and headed for the local government space travel facility, I looked back, but my father was already running toward our once beautiful house. I looked up over my head and saw what seemed to be a thousand missiles raining from the sky hitting the ground around me. I knew this would be the last time I would see (name of planet) for a while. I pondered this for a few seconds, then turned and sprinted toward the spaceport.]


I hope this helps some. I think you have a good feeling for the action and the basic plot Is exciting, but take time with these grammar tips and they will reward you later in the process.

Take care,

JKB

[Ale09]

Wow this is good stuff :) the beginning was enticing which I have to admit is pretty admirable because I always have trouble with beginnings lol but over all I really enjoyed reading this keep it up!

[Sunny]

It's a very interesting story!

[Turtle :)]

Wow. This certainly started with a bang and kept the flare. It was very fast-paced and action filled. Your descriptions are thorough but I think you could cut them down to give them a heavier impact. Though I do think that some sentences you could have written a little better to aid the flow of the sentence or paragraph. Thus far, it's been very interesting and I would love to read more of your work:)
- Turtle