Not Another Lost Thought

Not Another Lost Thought

A Poem by Katie Flores
"

sometimes you just have to let it out.

"
Why not?
This was my only thought.
Staring into a screen that I now realize,
Decided our fate.
We went along,
Thinking this would work,
But how wrong I was to think you wouldn't be a jerk.

I had put my hopes so high,
Had not even set a limit.
 
But I know I should feel just a little more of the sting,
Instead of one fell swoop,
You slowly crushed me.
Oh my!
How slow was my torture?

I would have wept and screamed,
Had my pride allowed,
but I slowly,
Oh my, so slowly died inside.

I smiled and I beamed,
Tried to play the scene,
Knowing inside;
THIS WAS RIPPING ME APART.

You knew I was a loner,
A fact you clearly exploited,
but I played and I danced.
I wanted to be someone else for you.

I WANTED TO BE SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU.

How could you do that to me?
You smiled to your Friends.

But I was dying inside,
Dying to pretend.

We met again, after all this,
You didn't smile,
We didn't kiss.

You smirked and I quailed,
finally realized, I could never love you.
So why even try?

Now, you won't look at me.

Now I cannot look at you.

Now I will not look at you.

And now, I will not think of you.

© 2012 Katie Flores


Author's Note

Katie Flores
hmm... i thought a lot about the last four lines, and decided to keep the first contraction because it gives power to the last three. I always felt people sound like they have more authority if they defer from using contractions....so those are my two cents :)

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Reviews

I would have wept and screamed,
Had my pride allowed,
but I slowly,

Oh my, so slowly died inside.

love this line.

Posted 8 Years Ago


It never feels good when you like someone and ou think they like you back and then they are jerks. good write

Posted 8 Years Ago


I appreciate the raw aggravation you put put forth in this poem. Your distraught is clearly represented, especially in the middle of the piece, but not without despair, and then turning it around at the end when you realized you have to move on.
I like that you don't stick to a rhyming scheme with this. Using rhyming for style and emphasis is a good practice for stream of thought writes like this.

If I were to give you some pointers, I would say that your choice of phrasing could be rearranged in some parts. I understand that sometimes you have to rephrase sentences to get the right words in the right places, especially for rhyming, but if that comes up, try to consider whether or not the line is even worth the effort, or if saying something else might not benefit the piece more. For instance, in this verse:
"I smiled and beamed,
Tried to play the part,
Knowing inside;
THIS WAS RIPPING ME APART."
The last line is where the real impact is, and it deserves to be introduced with a rhyme, as you have. However, I felt that rhyming "part" with "apart" had a weak impact because they're too much alike.

A minor suggestion concerning the last four lines is that I would change the "won't" into "will not" for "Now, you won't look at me.", because the next three lines do not have contractions.

These are just suggestions of course. I hope they're helpful to you.

Just a little grammar nitpicking:
-You seem to capitalize your "I"s intermittently. I would keep an eye on that.
-The line "-you wouldn't be a jerk." has two "be"s.
-In the third verse, "in side" should be one word.
-"Friends" shouldn't be capitalized in the fifth verse.
-The line "finally realized, I could never love you." is the only line that is not capitalized, which can be stylistically advantageous, but I'm not sure if you did it on purpose.

Keep writing. You have great potential.

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on May 12, 2012
Last Updated on September 9, 2012

Author

Katie Flores
Katie Flores

I see pine, not palm trees, i see forest and dirt, not sand and beaches, CA



About
i am starting to find myself. for the longest time i thought i could only be one thing, but im starting to realize... i can't. And well there's not much else to say... I am a pretty plain person, a.. more..

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