Tomorrow

Another day. How nice. (Why didn't we end this when we had the chance?) I'm smiling, and everything is okay. (I'm so sick.) Good morning, Sunshine, today will be better than yesterday! (The clouds are dark, the rain is still pouring down, and it's not just in my head anymore.)

The week ended. (Finally.) I'm just tired. (Keep telling yourself that, maybe one day you won't be lying.) How does it feel to wake up again? Great. (Lies, lies, lies. But I'll do anything to keep you happy.) I am okay. (I can't breathe. Someone save me.) I am in control. (I am going to die.) Tomorrow will be better. (It's always tomorrow with you, isn't it?)

I matter. (Nobody loves you. Six months since anybody has even tried to hug you.) I have friends. (Who are you trying to fool?) I am not drowning. (You're draining.) My cats scratched me. (Doesn't look like a scratch to me.) I'll be alright. (It's still bleeding.) My body is perfect the way it is. (That's not what the mirror says.) I'm losing weight. (Stop lying.)

I am happy. (Are you, really?)

There is a tomorrow. (No, there isn't.)

I don't care. (Yes, you do.)

I won't do that to myself anymore. (Push down a little more, there you go. Doesn't it feel better to be empty?)

I am truly happy. (That's right, tell them what they want to hear.)

I won't hurt myself. (That one drawer in your room says different.)

I. Am. Okay.

(You. Are. Dying.)

Author's Note

This sucks. But, once again, posting it anyways.

Reviews

[Renée]

this hurts my heart to think someone is feeling this way.. I can relate though..how we are feeling one thing and present to others (or ourselves) another ...

[t.m.]

I'm not quite sure whether to say I'm sorry or I agree. I think both is accurate, epecially considering that all I know how to say these days is 'sorry'.
But thank you for your review.

[Renée]

oh I know how that feels to luv... no need say sorry... you wrote, I read and it is a pleasure to see your words ( :

[.]

A very brutal betrayal cured me of this feeling. Someone who I thought of as a friend on this site and expected words of comfort from told me to see a doctor when I said I was feeling suicidal. She was cold, she was harsh and she was as insensitive as insensitive can be.

I had been suffering for several years. Two bits of precious advice from an amazing person really helped me:

(i) do what you can until you can do more
(this took the pressure off)

(ii) that which got you here will see you through if you just focus on doing nothing which is anti-life
(this gave me the road map to what i needed to do)

But that betrayal was what woke me up from my stupor. I had had a tryst with psychiatric medication in the past and I did not want to be a vegetable again. So, first I disconnected from the betrayer. I never judged her though and don't judge her still. But I did disconnect.

Then I started reading on this site--much more than before. I would keep looking for words until I found the words that brought me comfort. I started making friends--real friends. I started bumping into people who were going through bigger problems. I started reading those who'd been through bigger problems.

I let light into my life through the words of those who had triumphed over adversity. My life changed in maybe three or four days. I was inspired. But I could still not look into the future. My life was still stranded in a moment in the past. I gave myself one year to figure out what I wanted to do. That deadline ended on the 10th of April, 2013. A couple of weeks before it ended, I had a view into my future--a future independent of anyone else.

I think the thing that kills us the most is "pressure". We exert this "pressure" on ourselves. We want instant solutions--like instant coffee and instant noodles. We have no patience. And, we're very sure that the universe is not a friend. We're so engrossed in our depression that we don't realize the power of technology. We don't realize that it doesn't matter if we don't have friends in the real world.

Then, someone betrays us. There is great power in a betrayal. We wake up and suddenly start recognizing what's right in front of us. We don't need a betrayal and I certainly wish that no one you trust betrays you. But what I'm trying to say is that even betrayal can knock one out of a stupor. So, even depression can be a reason to actually go out there and look for happiness and love. In fact, I can't think of a better reason that depression to go looking for friendship, love and poetry.

[Emily B]

ummmmm, post it and keep it

keep it close, read it every day if you have to, one day you will see what I do