Happily Healing

Some days I walk on steady ground 

Hard beneath my bare feet 

Knowing how to hold myself up 

Keep myself straight 

Other days the sidewalks I trusted have collapsed beneath me 

And I go tumbling down the dark hole of past days 

Some days I live in the present and I hear the birds chirp near

I smell my mother’s perfume 

I ring my grandmother 

Present 

Some days I am stuck in the past 

No way out

Trapped in my own mind for the rest of the day 

Rarely am I in the future 

Sometimes I forget she’s even there

Forget she needs someone to play with 

Most times I think I’m healing 

When I lay in bed and cry 

When I scream into my pillows

And I’m up all through the night 

I know this to be healing 

Some days I don’t want to heal 

Rip the bandage off 

Begin to pick at the scab

Irritate my self 

Irritate my memories 

Dig the scar deeper 

Because some days it’s nice to feel the pain 

The salt in the wound 

The scars that no one sees 

Like a little secret between me, myself and I 

In all our tenses 

Past, present, and future 

Most days I feel contempt 

But please do not mistake that for completion

Most days I am beautiful 

Not in vain or arrogance 

More so in caring and forgiveness 

The way my heart aches when I feel love

How the sun shines on my face 

How I walk straighter 

Smile larger 

Beautiful 

Some days I am ugly 

Not in modesty of self 

But in preservation of pain 

Some days I cry my makeup off 

Wet, sticky sobs 

Streaming through my skin 

Unpresentable 

Ugly in the way that I can be cruel 

When anger sits heavy in my chest 

When pain seeps through my pores 

I can be cruel 

Ugly 

Because my healing in self is messy 

And not in the way you may think 

Not romanticized or strengthening

Just messy 

Messy rooms

And cars 

And thoughts 

And actions 

All chaotic in themselves  

So this is to say 

That though I am healing 

I may hurt myself 

Others may hurt me 

Memories will hurt me 

And I’ll allow them too

And in allowing them too

I am mending all that has been broken 

Because there are parts of me that I have hurt myself 

And there are parts of me that have been hurt by others

And all those parts of me don’t fit like they used to 

And that’s okay 

I’m not a puzzle needing to be solved 

I don’t need to be jagged 

Or difficult 

I don’t need a thousand tiny pieces in meticulous placement to show you the finished project 

I’m not the girl on the box 

Can’t be stoic in my stance 

I am a woman who is whole 

Always 

And the parts of me I’ve allowed you to take 

You can keep them 

They are no longer mine 

They no longer belong to me 

Or my story

They are the parts you wanted 

They are the parts you may have 

Because I am whole in knowing 

That I am stronger than those who’ve taken from me 

I am more loving than those who have hurt me 

I am contempt in knowing that I am the best version of myself in this moment 

And that’s not to say she’s great 

But she’s doing her best 

And in accepting that 

I know I’m healing 

Reviews

[Bivita]

healing is permanent! loved this

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much! :)