Grief

Wrote this very quickly about the grief of losing a loved one

I’m at a loss
From your loss
Picking at scabs
In crowded parking lots
Watching the children play
Age is so cruel
Youth a burden
When you don’t know what to do with it
It’s hard to be happy
It’s so easy to be sad
All this pain in my chest
Trying to push through my ribs
Crack them open and seep through my pores
Right on to broken concrete
Wanting to escape
But tired at even the thought
I think about joining you
Somewhere between the funeral home
And heaven
I think about walking with you
Holding your hard
Do you need that?
Are you lonely
How they’ll send flowers in my name
Dry pedals on the counter swept into the bin
Onto the curb
A sad sort of cycle of life
A quick blossom
A long fall to the bottom
I miss you
And I miss him
And I miss who I was before I had to miss anyone at all
This is not to appear selfish
Or wrought in vanity
It’s just to say that it’s not easy here
And yes it may be a sad pity party
One I’ll never be the life of
Invitations lost in the mail
It may be a beat too long of grievance
Because everyone else is back at work
Lunch with friends
But I can’t get out of my car
I can’t walk to the waters edge without feeling as though my breath has escaped me
Looking to find a home in someone who will better care for it
I can’t drive the roads I know too well
Without fat, wet tears blurring the on coming traffic
I’m not safe
Not in myself
Not like this
Always at risk to be hurt
I know we all are
But sometimes
And this is my little secret
Sometimes,
I feel invincible
Like I possess a sort of power
A strength that no one else has been given
A will to forget the bad and live in a delusional state of self
Where you’re still here
Just unreachable by the phone
But I’ll get through to you soon
A game of tag
But everyone else has grown up
Tapped out
So I’m just running around in frantic circles on my elementary school field
As my skin begins to stretch and fold
Looking to tap someone’s shoulder
Put the burden on them
Tag, you’re it
But I am no pillar of strength
Just a woman trapped in the past
Whose only coping mechanism is to shut her eyes
Someone stuck in a constant state of disillusions and depersonalization
Pressing fingers on hot stoves
The edge of my key into my fleshy thigh
I’d like to get out my car right now
Blood falling slow down my leg
And just run
Run until I can’t feel my feet
Until my lungs begin to burn
And I feel as though my saliva has been dried
Run to nowhere in particular
Just trying to outrun myself
Hoping to pass the point of physical entrapment
Become home to a new soul
But I won’t do that
I can’t
Instead I’ll sit in my car
And pick at my scab
My body worked so hard to protect itself
Tissues regenerating in a solid defense of land and sea
Working to heal
But I won’t allow it
In a constant state of red swollen skin
Pressing nails into the pink of my flesh
Picking at my bodies work
Because I feel more myself
When I’m making things harder
It’s truer to me
To keep hurting

Author's Note

Written very quickly, could have some errors

Reviews

[Richard Knox]

Dear lady,
This poem is so full of striking imagery, powerful emotions, and intriguing wordplay that I am overwhelmed by the eloquence and sadness of it. I love this line: “And I miss who I was before I had to miss anyone at all” Wow! That speaks to much of the regret we experience as we “grow up.” I hope that you eventually come to realize that there is at least as much truth in joy as there is in pain.
Richard

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so so much for your comment, it was so lovely to read! :)

[Ranger Kessel]

Very nice write. Very honest

[Chris Shaw]

Time eventually softens all grief, though it can be devastating to suffer the loss of a much loved special person. I felt the loss in your lines here acutely. Good to read you.

Chris

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much for your lovely comment, time will help heal for sure, thank you! :)

[Temperance]

I feel your loss and your pain but, what I've learned over the years is that time truly does heal. It doesn't seem like it but, take one day at a time and over time you will feel better. Take care of yourself. Stop picking at scabs. Dwell on the good memories if you need to. You delivered a very sad and emotional piece of work that engulfs the reader in your pain.

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much for your kind sentiments! I really appreciate your words, I’ll let my scabs heal, the only way they know how

[Katarina]

This poem really spoke to me. I really enjoy your free flowing form, I like to write similarly myself. I liked how you speak of your body trying to heal and you not allowing it, feeling safer in a state of self inflicted chaos, of perpetual hurt. You bring the daily heartbreak of loss vividly to life.

[The Things She Noted]

I’m so glad that it spoke to you and that you could connect with the poem, I really appreciate your comment!

[Aura]

Heart breaking indeed, truly it is never easy to lose a loved one, you blame yourself for being alive while hey have passed, one may even contemplate the purpose of being alive. But while sadness and anger is normal after the passing of a loved one, it takes power to keep on going in life, picking the scabs may be a easier route but it will only make you hurt, when you need to live! Your writing conveys deep emotions and is personal.

[The Things She Noted]

You’re so right, living while they are gone seems almost selfish - you worded that so beautifully! Thank you for your comment! :)

[Aura]

My pleasure!