My Enemy Crush

This is about my friend who fell out with me and has been hating me since I told him I loved him. This is basically a rewrite of my previous poem as an improvement.

You seemed like the only one to complete my broken heart.

I wanted to reach out and lift you off your feet,

With my arms around your heart, your head against mine.

We would be two in one, a complete match.

 

Now when I see you walk with her I sigh.

Tearing me up as you put her head against your heart.

I turn and walk away, as I cry inside.

Pain strengthening as my heart gets further from you.

 

No reason to hate me for loving you, you simply didn’t have to return it.

The tension between us strains my heart, can’t look you in the eyes.

Those deep brown eyes, I cannot delve into.

As you are now my enemy crush.

Author's Note

Again, don't really focus on grammar unless its a critical mistake. :)

Reviews

[Allan Eddings]

A significant improvement, I like this version greatly. It is surging with power and does not mince words. Even the backdrop imagery of the previous version is done away with; here we have before us nothing but bare emotion, absence structure instead seeming as how wavering passion planned. I love the line, "Those deep brown eyes, I cannot delve into." For I, like so many, have always thought eyes to be wonderful ponds; and secondly I confess I to have a weakness for brown eyes.

There is one line that jars with me, that is the final line. I suppose it is because I like the resignation of the line before, whereas the final line is more spiteful. Necessary I am sure to vent your emotions but nevertheless detracted, for me, from the pain of unrequited and worse spurned love that is running through the rest of the poem.

I am enjoying working my way through your work. Again thank you for sharing and do keep writing!

Regards,
A.E.

[K-mo]

this is simply amazing! I love it a lot, the emotion is there and it is written so well!!!

[SheActsLikeSummer]

Intense, powerful, deep. Some of the best three words you could ever wish for.
:P No, I'm kidding... about it being the best three words... not about your writing being them... That made sense, right?

[Vivere ad mihi, mi Deus]

This one is better, I like it. The title was really good and the 2nd stanza was my fav.

[just is]

I really like this write, intense and deep.
Very nicely done!

[DreamWeaver 2154]

A heart bleeds words, my friend, and I hear yours. Speak through your poetry because it can speak so much louder than the mouth would dare.