Invisibility And Me

Unseeing. but sensing
The blackness of your eyes;
Staring into the green of mine.
My heart is pure white; soft, warm.
Yours is dark, tormented by night.
I hear the wind outside my window;
whispering my name.
You hear nothing but silence;
It deafens your soul.
You don't love; you don't hate.
You don't feel the heat of
Midnight Summer;
Nor my hand pressed against yours;
Warmth meeting icy coolness
In the depths of darkness.
I smile at you; the other part of me;
My reflection in the mirror at midnight;
In the darkness of my room.

Author's Note

This is my first real attempt at poetry. Any critique at all is welcome :)

Reviews

[Mr.Writer]

Perfect! This is what I can read a thousand times and won't get tired! It's so good! You have the ability to keep the reader captivated for the whole poem!
These are my favorite lines...
"My heart is pure white; soft, warm.
Yours is dark, tormented by night. "
It's so delicate... so pure and true!
I'm so happy to be reading this masterpiece!
Keep it up! :)

[Tina H.W.]

Your review really made me smile, Mr. Writer. I'm not a natural poet and as this was my first real attempt, I was worried about how it would read to those who write poetry all the time. I'm truly touched by your words. Thank you so much! :)

[Mr.Writer]

No problem! Keep on writing Tina, don't stop, because if your first attempt can be sooo good, the others will be too!! :)

[Tina H.W.]

Aw, thank you! I'm kind of lost for words now... ;)

[Mr.Writer]

Haha, no worries

[LadyT]

The way you are creating dark images is powerful.
I really like this one :)

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you, LadyT. It's exactly what I tried to aim for. I'm pleased you liked it :)

[LadyT]

My Pleasure :) It does seems like we understand each others work.

[Tina H.W.]

It does indeed :)

[aj milton]

Very good. To me the initial impression as I read the first two thirds was a cryptic almost riddle like verse. Shades of some epic fantasy mystery to be solved. And then suddenly it comes back to the here and now to reflect the dichotomy of our own personalities. Nice mix.

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you for your kind review, aj :)

[aj milton]

It is good. And I like some of your other writing too - edgy, surprising. You sell yourself short in your profile.

Anyway, someone who loves Blues and Classic rock is automatically in the top percentile of the worlds population regardless!

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you for saying so, aj :) I liked what I've read of yours too. Just read Babysitter Blues...amazing. I tried to comment on it but it kind of left me speechless! Really good.

And I've never been happier livin' with the Blues :)

[aj milton]

Haha. Thanks! My "blues" is fun, and since I only started writing a year ago, I really love it. I'm still not quite sure why I like writing naughty stuff, as I mostly read other genres.

But music is my "true love". I don't go more than a few days without playing blues old or new. Gary Moore & Joanne Shaw Taylor - both get aired every week amongst others. Likewise Rock - old and new.

(I guess I should start work on the next chapter of Babysitter Blues soon... thanks for reminding me!

[Tina H.W.]

A year?! Doesn't show. You're good! Hmm..pretty much like me (in a different way - if that makes sense) I like reading the "naughty stuff" but I rarely write it. Have to admit tho, you do it pretty well :)

Now..your habit of not going a few days without blues is exactly like me. I'm totally in love with it. JST, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and the older stuff like Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf and John Lee Hooker...I'm obsessed with the whole genre!

Oh, and, hey, good luck writing more of Babysitter Blues. I'll look out for it ;)

[R J Askew]

I like it. The twist device works just as well in a verse as a FF. And some of your very short FF pieces were almost verse like anyway. There is a lot packed into this short piece, too.

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you, Ron. Glad you noticed the twist element there. I was worried about this piece but it was worth submitting. I'm glad you liked it. :)

[Suhd]

Warm yet genuinely cold and eerie. I must say it's a good one. I'd suggest much darker images for a subject like this...Like, wind was crashing hard on the squeaky boughs, etc.

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you for your comment, Suhd. I see what you mean - those extra words you suggested definitely adds atmosphere. I appreciate it. :)

[Suhd]

My pleasure :)