I Am Beautiful

A short story

    I am beautiful. I am desirable. I am intelligent. I am strong.
These are the words I tell myself. The words I need to see me through. The words that give me the strength I need. The motivation I must have.
    My marriage is falling apart. My husband cheated on me. Not once. Not twice. But three times.
The first time I forgave him. It hurt like hell, but I loved him. I would have done anything to keep our marriage intact.
The second time we sought counseling. I thought the problem was with him. Some issues he had to face.
    This is the third time. No forgiving. No counseling. I want a divorce. 
I could almost understand if it was with the same woman. I don’t know why. Maybe then I’d think the problem would be less significant. He slept with three different women. He’s not even remorseful. Blames me for being things he once said made him fall in love with me. Beautiful. Desirable. Intelligent. Strong.
    Makes me think the problem is with me. 
Am I not pretty enough? Intelligent enough? Am I too fat; too dark, too light? Is my hair not long enough or my breasts not big enough? Is my butt too flat? Am I not attractive?
Those doubts entered my mind. Haunted me. Tortured me. Had me locked in my house. Depressed. Insecure. Angry.
    I am beautiful. I am desirable. I am intelligent. I am strong.
Those words remind me of whom I am. I am not ugly, nor am I stupid. I am not weak. I won’t let him make me think otherwise.
    I am beautiful. I am desirable. I am intelligent. I am strong.
    Today I got laid off. After five years of giving my time, sweat and blood to this job they let me go without so much as a week’s notice.
    The financial hardship of a divorce is one thing, but coupled with being jobless is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
    It would be okay if I were by myself. I’d just move back in with my parents. Re-enroll in college. Pick up where I left off. Pursue my passion. Find real happiness.
    It’s not that easy with a five year old. I have to worry about providing for him. I can survive on peanut butter and jelly. I can make twenty dollars last forever. I have to provide for my child.
I’m scared. I can’t lie about that. I don’t know what I am going to do. I know I’m not going to give up. I know I have to be strong for my child and myself. I can’t and won’t let this world break me. I won’t let this world make me feel undeserving.
    I am beautiful. I am desirable. I am intelligent. I am strong.
Today I serve my husband divorce papers. Today I begin to look for a new job. I remain positive. Persistent. Determined. Blessed.
    There are so many obstacles to overcome. Hurdles to be jumped. I remain steadfast. I will be triumphant. I will carry on. I will be victorious.
    Today. I smile. I laugh. I have faith because; I am beautiful. I am desirable. I am intelligent. I am strong.
 

Reviews

[Blackbirdsong]

This is gorgeous and so well-written Torey. You make me feel beautiful just for reading this. Thank you. I needed that.

[Lena]

So are YOU!!!!!!