Dead Wrong

I wrote this short story awhile ago and lost it, but I am so glad I found it. I am not sure if it's any good, I'm just glad that I found it.

           Nicole sat quietly on the school bus the entire way home while all the other kids talked and laughed, oblivious to the torment she was feeling inside. She stared out the window as rain fell. Why did coach Hill have to cancel track practice just because of a little rain?

            She looked at her watch. It would be two hours before her mother got home. Two hours too long. Two hours alone with him.

            When the bus stopped at the top of her block, the kids got off and hurried home to get out of the rain. Nicole walked deliberately slow, not caring that the rain was ruining her hair or her suede purse.

            “Four more years.” She mumbled to herself, counting down the time until she would be eighteen. Four years seemed like an eternity. She wasn’t sure if she could wait that long. She was afraid of what would happen if she couldn’t.

            Slowly she unlocked the door to the beautiful, two-story brick house she shared with her mom and stepfather. From the outside the house looked warm and inviting, but to Nicole it was anything, but that.

            She could hear the television in the den and hoped that it was turned up loud enough to drown out the sound of her creeping up the stairs.

            There was one time when her room was her sanctuary, filled with teddy bears she had collected over the years, but her stepfather recently robbed her of that. He had established a “no locked doors” rule, keeping Nicole from feeling safe in her own room.

            She got into her bed, and closed her eyes. Maybe he wouldn’t realize she was home until it was too late. She looked at her watch again. An hour and a half. An hour and a half until she’d be safe, at least for today.

            And then her door opened. Her body stiffened as she realized she wasn’t going to be safe at all. She closed her eyes, trying to pretend she was asleep. Maybe then he would leave her alone. She prayed that he would just go away, but he didn’t.

            Her bed creaked underneath his weight and she flinched as she felt his heavy hand on her leg.

            “It’s been a long time since you’ve been home this early.”

            She didn’t respond, still pretending she was asleep, but she knew he wasn’t buying it, and even if he were, it wouldn’t matter much to him. It never did before.

             She felt his hand touch her hair and she squeezed her eyes tight, feeling the hair on her neck and arms stand up. He kissed her on her shoulder and she bit her lower lip so hard that she could taste blood.

            He reached down between her legs and she jumped up, backing herself against the headboard and stared into her stepfather’s eyes with anger and tears in hers. He stared back at her, adamantly.

            “You know I love you right, you and your mom. Ever since I got into that car accident you’ve been the only thing that makes me feel good. You want to make me feel good don’t you?”

            He had been using that same line on her every since she was twelve, but she wasn’t twelve any more. Before she felt too small to do anything, but the more she thought about it, the angrier and stronger she became.

            “No!” She shouted, just like she was taught to do in Health class whenever someone tried to touch her or do something to her that made her feel uncomfortable. She hoped that would get his attention and end something she hadn’t figure out how to end for two years. She had been afraid to tell her mother out of fear her mother would blame her. “You’re maturing so fast, you ain’t gone be nothing but trouble!” she remembered her mother saying when she brought her first training bra.

            She watched as her step father stood up, his eyes narrowing and a familiar vein formed on the right side of his forehead. She knew what was coming and prepared herself for it.

            “What did you just say to me?”

            “I said no!” Nicole repeated, drawing her knees into her chest, tears already beginning to fall down her cheek.

            “You do what I tell you to do.” He said, unbuckling and removing his thick leather belt in one swift move. “I don’t want to have to beat you Nicole, but you gotta learn to do as I say.”

            She knew that he didn’t hate beating her. She knew that he got a thrill out of it. He’d always tell her mother that he did it because she was mouthing off to him or disobeying him, and then her mother would turn around and punish her again. She knew that he enjoyed every second of it. 

            Nicole tried to remain focus. She knew that it was too easy for her to go inside of herself and pretend like this wasn’t happening, but today she was determined to put an end to it. She had grown up and learned enough to know that this was wrong, dead wrong.

            “Take off your clothes or I’m gonna take them off for you” He said, unzipping his pants.

            Nicole’s heart was beating so hard that it was shaking her petite body. She wanted to look at her watch to see how much longer it would be before her mom came home, but she was too scared to move. And then he swung wildly. She barely had enough time to raise her arm. The belt collided with her flesh, wrapping around her arm and clipping her lip. Her arm felt like it was on fire and she felt her lip already began to swell.

            He looked at her with a glow in his eyes, the same glow he had whenever he forced himself on her and tried to convince her that he was just showing her love.

            He swung again, this time the belt cut into her other arm making a bruise appear instantaneously. Nicole cried out, although she had been determined not to. It was then she decided to go through with her plan.

            In one quick move, just like she had imagined, she reached under her bed and pulled out the shiny chrome .45 she had stolen from her stepfather’s shoe box. She shot him four times.

         His body hit the ground with a thud. Nicole let the heavy gun fall from her shaking hands as she looked over at her stepfather, his dark eyes still open. She searched them for any signs of the loveable person he portrayed himself to be, but all she saw was the demon that had preyed on her for the past two years.

            She picked up the phone and dialed 911. She glanced at her watch. Finally, she was safe.

Reviews

[rash]

The story is very fast-paced and the climax is sudden. Focus a little on your character. It is well told. You have much opportunity ints structure to play with ways of accentuating her conflict, casting her stepfather in the alien light of his character, and to really engage the reader. To really give the liberation its place, use something like imagery and establish the environment. Have you ever seen Schindler's List? It is a black and white movie about the Holocaust, but there is one scene with a young girl in a red dress. I see something very potential in your story, its written style, to really take it over the top with a simple addition very well placed. I liked your story.

[Coyote Poetry]

A story that caught me by surprise. Abuse is a sin that never should happen. Your story took me step by step to a ending that was maybe necessary. A powerful poem.
Coyote

[SakuraGirl]

I liked this - the writing, that is. The story itself though sets my teeth on edge, as it always happens when I hear of children being abused, one way or another.
As a writing piece, thoug, I found it very good. The twist is excellent and I thank you for it.
Well done!

[Lena]

POWERFUL! It was great Torey.
Anyone ever preyed on or felt defenseless form injustice has had that outcome as a dream.
Anyone that has been there knows, no other words are need.