Frail Utterances

 

I know that feeling of not wanting here

            Not wanting this pain

            Not wanting this anger

            Not wanting this blame

            Or this hatred

            Or this emotional mutilation,

            Not wanting anything.

A hundred upon thousand apologies, just words upon words,

My own declarations condemn me

            As my fragile reparations shrivel before my anguish.

As frail utterances of penance perish,

What have I but this guilt?

When all the redemption I so hoped for,

Crumbles away before my bowing spirit.

You were enough to save my being

            In a time of darkness like no other.

I know that feeling of not wanting here,

            It’s one trigger to tranquillity

            Two slices to silence

            A few swallows to salvation.

I know that feeling, you think I don’t.

I know that feeling and yet I missed it in you, forgive me.

            I could not save you before, I was not enough

to keep those pills in the cupboard.

I was not enough, never enough (forgive me please)

            to save the life that meant the most.

I was not enough, I missed my chance

It won’t pass me again.

I will do all I can to make it right.

You were enough for me, but I wasn’t for you.

I wasn’t enough, but I’ll try harder.

I wasn’t enough – I promise I’ll be more.

You were enough for me, I’m sorry I wasn’t for you.

Forgive me, please, I beg you.

Reviews

[THERISA]

Wow. A very strong and powerful poem about a survivor's need for forgiveness, when someone close commits suicide. You captured the feeling of helpless, of preventing from happening. Hoping that writing this very personal poem, has provided you with some closure and healing. Thank you for sharing this very personal poem with us.