This Could Be The End

This Could Be The End

A Poem by Travie
"

This is a poem I wrote while I was feeling down.

"
I can't breathe, 
Like I'm slowly drowning, 
In deep, dark waters, 
I can never find the surface.

I question my happiness, 
Is it real or fake?
All I know is it never stays, 
The truth is nothing lasts forever.

I guess I just have to have hope, 
But in this world we live in, 
That is something so rare, 
And I know, because I've lost mine.

This is a sad, beautiful place, 
But deep inside my broken heart, 
I don't feel right here anymore, 
So with these words, I say my sad goodbye.

© 2014 Travie


Author's Note

Travie
Please, comments and critique are welcome.

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Featured Review

I can tell you're feeling very emotional in this piece, but all the powerful emotions get lost behind the very cliched imagery you chose to use. Remember, poetry is not just about writing down how you feel, it is about choosing each and every word with extreme care, since a poem is composed of so few words. Additionally, that care should extend to the way you craft your poetry -- make sure that spelling errors (like "breathe" instead of "breath" in line 1) don't detract from the beauty of your piece. I challenge you to write phrases that do not end at line endings, and allow your thoughts to flow through the piece, rather than chopping them up into lines, as that style usually reads as inexperienced and clunky. Good luck!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is emotional, and very moving, well done.

Posted 7 Years Ago


A sad journey in the words of the poem. Hard to find good things in the emotion and want we hold. I like the honest and directness of the poem. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 7 Years Ago


This was so sad to read.. but man, it is awesome work.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I AM NOT REWRITING YOUR PIECE. I AM SHOWING ONE OF MANY WAYS YOU COULD ADJUST IT.
Just want to clarify that before I start.

You have the emotion, now think about the meter and flow.
I recommend more concise lines.

An example of a possible revision.

I can't breathe,
Slowly drowning,
In deep, dark waters,
Never to find the surface.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not trying to tell you exactly what words to use. The above is an example of how you could use concise lines to loosen the flow. Right now it feels blocked, in my opinion.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics
Please "Pay it Forward" by reviewing one of our member's pieces.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

It is stiflingly beautiful. But good things happen when you don't quit...giving life a chance is worthwhile ..personal experience says that.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Love it!! Well done Travis.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Life is a short tragic comedy. Good poem

Posted 7 Years Ago


I can tell you're feeling very emotional in this piece, but all the powerful emotions get lost behind the very cliched imagery you chose to use. Remember, poetry is not just about writing down how you feel, it is about choosing each and every word with extreme care, since a poem is composed of so few words. Additionally, that care should extend to the way you craft your poetry -- make sure that spelling errors (like "breathe" instead of "breath" in line 1) don't detract from the beauty of your piece. I challenge you to write phrases that do not end at line endings, and allow your thoughts to flow through the piece, rather than chopping them up into lines, as that style usually reads as inexperienced and clunky. Good luck!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

There's a suggestion I came across that children are influenced by the physical environment ... the way trees flower and fruit and the animals produce their young. The joy of life around them is apparently ' absorbed ' by the children. Fortunately the young ones are unmindful of the source of their happiness.

In an adult we question the free flowing nature of happiness and appear to want a reason for it. Beyond the world of children ... such a question is necessary ... and the will of a growing mind to find out. Nice ...

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on May 6, 2014
Last Updated on May 6, 2014

Author

Travie
Travie

Milton-Freewater, OR



About
I write likeCharles DickensI Write Like. Analyze your writing! I'm just a lost soul, trying to find a purpose in life through the words of a broken heart. more..

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