The Sword of Zalanzabar

Serious experimentation!!

Skyscrapers of wood touch the sky

A musical wind haunts darkling clouds

The hooded stranger averts his eye

To a man enrobed in weathered shrouds

    Soles saturated with screams of battle

A stare that awes the brightest star

A bow crafted from skulls of cattle

Hell fears the mighty Zalanzabar 

Sharp heads for meat, but not for game

His scars are ancient; his face is fresh

A sword flashes forth, none the same

Hungry tongues nurture pierced flesh

 

Tail of scorpion and head of beast

The white wrangler wallowing in gore

Visions whirl by the fire of a feast

Of the pestilent demon, Manticore

 

 Night strikes morning, out like a candle

The blue blade sings from his sheath

 Does sickness befall, a mind without handle

While cruel things crawl from beneath?

The saber breathes miraculous words,

Pricking the ears of the stranger

His mind dreams on the wings of birds

Of a world unscathed by danger

 

Guardian of hope; Zalanzabar

 A weapon, a foresight of nightmares to be

Forged from the bones of martyrs in war

Manticore's bane till eternity

 

Lush of movement, free of speech

Stone thrust cold into pelts from far

Blood soaked turf; none can beseech

 the sword,  

       the sword

                      of Zalanzabar.

 

 

 

Author's Note

I've had this idea in my head for eons!!! I've always wanted to work it into a story, but, alas, a poem came out instead! This is complete experimentation, so give me some advice as I felt blind while writing this!

Reviews

[SnakeEaterCorpo]

I really like your clear writing and detailing, very much enjoyed it:) hope you can check out of my stories and give me your opinion.keep up the good work:)

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

You could create a story based off this idea if you wanted :) Great poem!

[SonOfPlunder]

This piece speak to me in so many ways, you are definitely a woman after my own heart, this is a piece i would be extremely proud to have written. This has such an epic quality to it, i don't think you should construct it into book form but instead, use it to accompany a novel. Maybe this could be part of the lore, a legend from your books past. Fantastic write Margo

[Margo Seuss]

Thanks! The reviews really helped me transform this one. I am definetly thinking about using this some how in a novel. The characters, setting, and ideas are all in my head...I'm just trying to piece them together!

[SonOfPlunder]

I know how that feels! My own novel is still very much a work in progress, everything randomly floating around my head. I look forward to reading more relating to this in the future!

[Augustus]

Well, first of all, I think the structure that you have chosen is apt. The tone and the language are appropriate for a high fantasy ballad, which is what this has turned out to be. The meter is fairly even and most of the rhymes are fine. I also like the imagery and the grandeur of the language.

But I think it needs a fair bit of work before it can pack the punch that it is supposed to pack. For starters, you need a lot more of "Forged from the bones of martyrs in war" and a lot less of "much not he achieves". Here, I am referring to the poetic quality of the lines. The former is fabulous, the latter, atrocious. This itself shows that the poem lacks consistency. It is not enough to have excellent lines strewn around the poem. They need to form a large portion of the poem. Here, I must also caution you against excessive use of inversion. While it might overtly appear to make the lines rhyme or fit the meter, overall, it often detracts from poetic impact. I don't think the word 'peach' serves any purpose other than rhyming with 'speech'. I would avoid such situations.

For an experiment, I think this is a very good attempt. With some work, I think it can be improved dramatically. But I like the fact that you have explored an area that appears to be outside your comfort zone. I laud you for that. Thanks!

P.S.: Please take the critical comments in a positive way. They were written with the sincere hope that they may help you in the future.

[Margo Seuss]

Thank-you for your words of improvement!! I totally agree. When I wrote this, I wasn't completely satisfied with the inversion line. The challenge is keeping the syntax while maintaining the ryhmes. This poem is definetly on my list of works that need rewording. I thank-you for the time you took to leave a proper review.

[Augustus]

You are most welcome! I am delighted that you took the comments in the right spirit. You are 100% correct in saying that it is challenging to keep the syntax while maintaining the rhymes. I predominantly write structured verse and in the course of my learning, I have been guilty of each and every shortcoming that I have listed here. I would love to help you further with this work, should you so desire.

[Margo Seuss]

Thank-you for you offer. I have thought long and hard about this work and have reworded some stanzas, as well as changed a few ryhming pairs. I also added a stanza to further develop the syntax (as I felt there needed further development before the verse beginning with "Zalanzabar great warrior is he"). If you get a spare moment, I would appreciate it if you could tell me whether or not these changes have improved/ not improved the quality of this poem. Be honest, as I don't mind going back to the good ol' drawing board!

[Augustus]

Your changes have definitely improved the quality of the poem. I did not stumble while reading it the way I did earlier. I think 'beseech' is a big improvement over 'peach'. Currently, the only line that I find truly awkward is 'Zalanzabar, great guardian is he'. Of course, the poem could be polished further, but you have by and large removed its major flaws. If I get more time, I'll come back with specific suggestions regarding changes to some of the lines. Cheers!

[Margo Seuss]

Thanks so much for your help! I would love to hear your furthur suggestions.

[SquinklaPsyOps]

I like the fresh words that used to describe as it could be interpreted in different metaphors.

[Nusquam Esse]

I really enjoyed this, while fantasy is a common theme for stories, we don't encounter it very often in poetry. It is a shame too, because this is so unique and descriptive, with an aura of mystery throughout it. One thing of note, you listed this a limerick... but this is not a limerick. It is more of a sonnet. The rhyme is solid, and the meter is good, although it could use a bit more consistency. The first stanza is definitely pentameter, but the following lines seem a bit more inconsistent. Still, it all flows well, so syllable counts shouldn't matter unless it was actually your intent to strictly conform to meter. (if not, the syntax on a few lines is a bit muddled, a rewording may make it less awkward.)

[Margo Seuss]

You're correct! This is not a limerick at all!!! Silly Margo!!! Thank-you for your review! I always like it when I'm given something to improve on. It gives me something to do when I'm bored (which is almost always)!

[Nusquam Esse]

No problems, form is one of the few things that I am good with when it comes to poetry. I always have a hard time 'critiquing' free-form poetry; but give it rhyme and meter and suddenly it is a beast that I can tackle. What can I say, I am a story writer, not a poet. Skill with meter and rhyme does not make a poet. I am glad to see someone on here with a good attitude towards improving and challenging oneself; it is a philosophy that I strive towards as well.

[Margo Seuss]

Yes. I am more of a story writer myself. Characters are much too fun!

[Nusquam Esse]

Narrative poetry is always an option, mix the beauty of words with character development. But alas, such a thing is extremely difficult and time consuming. They are called epics for a good reason.

[ANM]

Very vivid and imaginative it would work better if given more depth it left me wanting more as a poem it is good as a story it would be great.....x

[Margo Seuss]

Yes, I definetly think I need to turn this into a story. The gears are turning!

[ANM]

Keep em going faster and faster.....

[Chris Micha]

Wow what an exceptional fantacy piece, right up my alley! You really were discriptive in the images and I agree this should be a book. Very nice, Margo. Bravo!!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I like the fantastic fantasy poetry you do! I feel like you would be amazing at writing a story about a bard, or inventing other heroic characters and conveying their tales through a series of poems while at the same time telling the story of the bard

[Margo Seuss]

I originally was going to turn this idea into a story. Maybe I still shall!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I'd love it if you did it!

[Margo Seuss]

I most certainly will consider it! Way back when I began to write it and then sort of gave up. Perhaps it is time to try again!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Yeah, I know how that goes, that happened with one of my books! I ended up starting over with the story of one of my characters, we shall see how the events unfold with a new beginning!

[Aethereal]

I enjoyed this highly descriptive story about one of Zalanzabar’s adventures in a dark forest filled with demon monsters such as Manticore. Perhaps he should have been rescuing a pretty maiden tied up near Manticore’s cave. It was Beauty that killed the beast.