Since you met

I never saw the sunrise

I never saw the twinkling of the stars

I never felt the music

Playing all around

Everything seems so magical now

Life has found a meaning

Since the time you have met

Love is all I feel

Life was a boring journey

It brightened up ever since you boarded

Positive is all I see

Love is all I feel

I wandered aimlessly

I squandered all my chances

But since the time you met

I found a reason to live

I never felt the touch

I never kissed, never danced

But since the time you met

All I seek is merging of our souls

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, I'm glad you love me, but...who are you?

My point? Why does anyone but the person you're addressing care? As you walk down a street, do you burn to know if those you see are happy? No. So why should you—someone the reader knows nothing about—declaring love to an unknown person, for unknown reasons, matter to the reader?

Think about it. You say: "I never saw the sunrise." What you mean is that you never stayed awake that long? That you never noticed it's beauty? That you recently had blindness cured? It could be any of those and more.

You know. This unknown speaker, and the one they're declaring love for know. But the reader? Not-a-clue, because you've given no context, and your intent never makes it to the page.

Poetry's goal isn't to make the reader know. We want to make them FEEL, and CARE. Is this person so wonderful that the speaker had no choice but to fall in love? Don't TELL the reader. SHOW them. Make the reader fall in love, not be informed that someone unknown has. Make the reader envy that person, and be glad for them because they know him/her, and know the lover as you envision them. That's poetry. Avoid giving a report. 😆

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Part of the key is that while you write from your own chair, of course, you need to edit from that of a reader, who lacks any context you don't provide, who can't hear the emotion in your voice, and who is easily confused...like me.

[Wanderer]

Thank you for the feedback