Automatic Writing

old restored. journal entry-esque, very mad

 

This is an exploration of my thought process from the first half of June 2007.  It's very random, it's very frustrating, and it's even a bit scary.  At the end is what I wrote today upon finding this collection of automatic and stream of consciousness writing.  Enjoy.
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6/1/07
I get sick to my stomach when ideas fly away.

6/5/07
I also get sick to my stomach when I can't decipher my handwriting.

I had an interesting dream cut short this morning.  It made me think of a tune, but I woke up abruptly and the tune flew away.  All I remember is "She's decaying."

In a sense, we all are.  We're all fading away, deteriorating into nothingness.

(Dear God I hate my handwriting)

Coda:
We've all lost our minds
Spinning in circles around around around
We've all gone blind
Lost our thoughts and our minds

6/7/07
Thoughts swell in with the tide
But slip away at the first sign of distress

6/8/07
AW I

Deep breathes and cyanide thoughts don't mix well.  They blend and poison the mind and each exhale is two inhales of dead waste that clogs the heart with loneliness.  With dreams of peace I long to drown out the demons, but idealism is the folly of wishful thinkers with their heads in the clouds and their foots up their asses.  Being the odd man out, row of three and I'm the fourth, aloof and on an island.  God, I wish I could explode.  Rise up and float away.  Although I have the mask of a Zen Buddhist smile, life not phasing or distressing any ounce of my inner self, no cluttered mind, no cluttered heart, no source of torrentious disaster brewing deep within myself, there is a constant wildfire, irritated by howling winds and dry climes
THIS IS THE CAUSE OF MY DYSTOPIA
THIS IS THE REASON FOR MY MADNESS!
Come one, come all, witness the billowing skirt of our mother Earth, legs wide open
FUCKED BY HUMANITY!
OH! CIVILIZATION!
HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE TEH WOMB FROM WHICH YOU WERE BORN!
FOR SHAME!
OH CRUEL INHUMANITY!
DAMN YOU!
EVEN THE GATES OF HELL WOULD TURN YOU AWAY!

But that's beside the point.

My thoughts are pulled out of their trance. 

There is no reason why I feel so out of the loop.  Maybe I just pushed myself there, floated out into the space where few venture, and all that do lose conscious feeling of the lives of others, disconnect themselves of society’s shackles, trapping themselves in an isolated bubble free from disease, judgment, labeling, stereotypes, and unruly criticism.

But it is still a bittersweet victory.

The high price of freedom and the chance for eternal nirvana is the loss of humanity standing by your side.

Divinity means loneliness.

And I’m not sure if I’m willing to lose everything in order to be otherworldly.

Godliness is loneliness.

Loneliness is godliness.

Yet is godliness happiness?

Is being abandoned the only way to be happy?

 

Put a clasp on my thoughts and let my consciousness flow, sushi dreams standing in front of a movie screen.  When life ends, God will turn away with the bad taste of too much popcorn in the back of his mouth and the satisfaction only 2 hours in a dark room can bring him.

 

This is the end my friend.

This is the end.

Good-bye, clocking out, automatic writing ends now.

 

6/9/07

AW II

 

Music is the only source of output left.  The only sane life preserver keeping me afloat.  Not even this pen and pad can do what music does for me.

 

This isn’t a diary.  So enough reflection.

 

Like horses running around a track, jumping through hoops and chasing the hare, our lives revolve around our 9-5s our necktie nuisances, I don’t know how to spell and I don’t really care.

 

Loneliness is an awful feeling and coupled with idleness it can cause great great evils.  My mind is numb and thoughts are gone.

 

Pretty flashes of light.

Red yellow sparks from blue green flares.

 

6/10/07

AW III

It’s funny how dark feelings can pass once things are put into perspective.  A storm brewing deep within my head, but with it comes a comforting breeze.

 

Smoke still swirls through my head.  But it’s comforting, warming, relaxing, serenity is deep, the desert winds howl and warm my heart of hearts.

 

Butterfly wings and caterpillar cut leaf patterns forming heart shaped waves in the air.

 

Solitude is no longer cold, no longer disturbing.

 

Mind at peace.

 

Equilibrium.

 

A rubber band and I have much in common.  We bend before we finally break.

And bend we do.  Elastin stretched fibers creaking and creaking and creaking and creaking and creaking.

 

Sportscenter blares in the background.  Barry Bonds upsets me.  Steroids ruin the fun of competition.

 

Talent takes you so far.

Steroids take you farther.

I guess.

 

I’m in a constant argument with myself.

Me vs. my subconscious.

 

Light dark, dark light, opposite. Same. Irony, literate, figurative.

Ampersand.

 

Interpol keeps me happy.  Lights flicker on off on off on off on off.

 

Football.

Beating down the weak man, saving the strong.

Ultimate natural selection.

The fittest survive, everyone else ends up in Europe.

Time out.

 

6/11/07

AW IV

 

A change of pace, how bout some artwork?

 (insert artwork)

 

6/12/07

AW V

 

Food for the soul and thoughts made for the devil.

 

Torrentious spirits swirling through the darkness, drying up on the shores of evil.

 

Goodness.

Light is the source of happiness, asterisks and stars fill the wholesomeness of hearts

 

Bears, cat, mice, dogs, sharptoothed raccoons and radar tracked missiles exploding in the distance.

 

Green fields warm my soul.  They call out to me from deep within the depths of childhood.

 

Familiarity brings monotony.

 

11/20/07

Reviewing my past thoughts makes me content with my writing, something I have not felt in a long time.  Damn I’m a good writer and damn do I have a big ego.

 

Sarcasm still tickles my heart and I guess it always will.

 

Automatic writing ends now, and my thoughts are silenced.