The Bridge of Awakening

More fantasy!

Step on the Awakened Bridge and face the memories of all those who have passed before you. Once you're through, you've entered Another World.

This is all that one knows about the Awakened Bridge. Therefore, the place is less a reality than a myth. And yet, many have walked its perimeter, oblivious to what they were doing. Their fate is unknown.

This one stepped on the bridge. It looked at a horizon that stretched on before him, straining but unable to see the other side. So it set off. Started putting one foot in front of the other. Oceans of water stretched to either side, reflecting orange light from three suns. Warmth spread into its every nook and corner.

As quickly as it had come, the warmth receded from its body. The light began to fade. Suns turned into moons; the seas scattered silvery stabs of light into every direction. The air turned chilly. The bridge began to glow.

Suddenly it was as if it was trudging through mounds of snow, a snowstorm whirling the edges of its cloak around. A cloak that had not been there before. Mysterious faces flickered in its mind, one seeming more important than the others. It was the smiling face of a woman. That image branded itself into its mind. It burned his vision, blinded him; the warmth exploded from his body in a flash of heat. He... remembered. He was someone. The illusion of a snowstorm faded. Orange light began to fill the space again...

...he opened his eyes to rolling fields of wheat, an evergreen forest looming some distance before him. He did not remember having closed his eyes. It was not too hot, nor too windy; it was a perfect day. He turned around.

The air warped around him. Light bent itself into whirling spirals. That must've been his home, once. But he had a feeling that it was a home no longer. A vision flickered across his vision that made him gasp. A mysterious woman with dark hair turned to look at him, wild eyes glaring through tears. Something lay on the floor next to her. The woman took a step towards him.

He was forcibly ejected from the vision and thrown back onto the bridge, immense heat and light his only companions for the time being. Only a memory. Only a terrifying memory of somebody else. He picked himself up from the ground and continued walking.

A crowd had gathered around the market square in protest. A dark-haired woman led the group, carrying a makeshift spear. Others had torches, heavy axes, clubs. They surrounded a hooded, bearded man, who was trying to watch into every direction at the same time. Suddenly the woman said something, no, yelled. The ground shook then. Deep cracks appeared beneath their feet. A gust of wind knocked the woman off her feet. She tumbled down towards the crack, but a man grabbed her hand just before she fell down. They began to run from the bearded man. Streams of fire shot up from the cracks. For the first time, he could see the man clearly.

Orange light filled his vision again. A large metal gate stood before him, tree-like designs adorned to its surface in silver and gold. Sunlight glimmered off of the detailed, carved letters, no longer alien to him. Instinctively, he knew their meaning. 'The Awakened City'. For what felt like the first time in a long, long while, he felt alive. He walked up to the gates, tracing the carvings with his fingertips. His lips curved up into a smile. Change meant nothing. Home would always be home.

He traced the curving letters with his hand, savouring the feel of cool metal gently brushing against his fingertips, feeling every nook and crevice for differences, changes. Finally, he settled on a spot, a familiar spot; he placed his fingers on the nearly invisible bulge on the wall, entwined between two trees of silver and gold, and pushed firmly.

The gate crept open silently. He stepped in. Onto the stone road. A row of trees stood on its either side. Elm. Further away to both sides were the cherry blossom fields.

"Yes, I've truly missed you," he whispered.

A strong wind rose out of nowhere, a vicious, furious wind. It raged through the trees, ripping leaves from their branches, tossing them around violently. But they fell evenly onto the road before him, clothing it in a rich green, untouched by the sudden gale.

"I've returned."

Author's Note

Takes place in the same world as "Melitine of the Ashes". Same as usual; thoughts, ideas, opinions? Constructive appreciated

Reviews

[JCat]

So, I really don't want to seem bossy or negative in this review. Sometimes I'm scared that I might but to be dishonest to you would be the worst disrespect I could offend you with. That being said, I always believe that if you give suggestions, you must give compliments as well, so I will point out what's really good about this as well. And as with any review, feel free to throw my suggestions and opinions in the garbage if they aren't helpful :)

______________

Step on the Awakened Bridge, or step on the Bridge of Awakening? The tense implies the state of the bridge. If the bridge is still active, or still causes problems/action then it is still doing things to it's victim, in the present tense. So, should it have a present tense name? "The Bridge of Awakening." The awakened bridge" feels like it's already done it's thing and nothing's going to happen anymore, because it's past tense if you see what I mean?

I feel like the first sentences jump point of view a bit, from third to second. "and face all the memories" should be "and you face all the memories of all those who have passed before you", brings the reader more into the shoes of the character.

Good linkage between paragraph's! That makes the story flow a lot better, and the reader can grasp the story rather than feel confused and out of sync. This means the reader can get hooked, and that is the most important thing.

"Less a reality and more of a myth" makes your intention clearer.


"stretched to either side", the "it" is unnecessary and clunky.

I think "The Bridge began to glow" should be the last sentence because it's much more sinister than the rest, it suggests action or that something's about to happen. However, this paragraph as a whole is very well written and has good progression.

"A cloak that had not been there before" Good. Short sentence. Emphasizes alarm.

I get what you're trying to do with the use of "It" turning to "He", but it really alienates the first few paragraph's. However you've used the switch effectively even if it was hard to see what you were doing at first.

Ellipsis "...he" isn't effective, it doesn't really do anything for the paragraph. But Ellipsis' are tricky, in your mind they are adding impact in a reader's mind we don't know what's going on.

"wheat, an" maybe "wheat and an", the comma breaks it up a bit and doesn't connect it

"that must have been his home, once" what must have been his home? Naturally, I'd suspect the forest but having that mentioned for confirmation would really help.

"A vision flickered across his vision". Perhaps change the second vision to "mind"?

"Wild eyes glaring through tears" Great description, imaginative and poetic. Love it.

"no, yelled" to "no, yelled something" makes it seem like more of a correction, which I think is what you're aiming for.

"The ground then shook" maybe sounds better?

"For the first time in a long, long while, he felt alive" Perhaps?

"Change meant nothing. Home would always be home." Good, familarity, roots, connecting.

"He traced the curving" you've used traced twice too soon, it feels repetitive. Outlined? felt? However, good description afterwards. Pleasant to read.

Overall Analysis:

I am unfortunately reading at a disadvantage. I haven't read any of your other stuff so I don't know the world this belongs to, which is a fault on my part because it lowers my experience of this piece.

Those memories could be famous scenes in your world, that city could be a city any reader of your novel series would delight at hearing about because they know the history. So, for someone who knows your world, this piece is powerful and exciting.

Because I am unfortunate enough not to be graced with the knowledge of your world, some of this seems confusing. The memories have no relevance to me, as they don't seem to be followed up on. The character has little personal information or traits revealed about him (however he may feature elsewhere in your series). As part of a novel, this piece is brilliant. As a stand alone piece it can be hard to follow at times.

But despite this fact, you make up for it with good linkage that can bring the reader in, your description is pleasant, interesting and readable by the mass crowd which is VERY GOOD. This means your stuff won't just be interesting to English buff's but to a wider range too. (that coupled up with the linkage means sales, and publishing deals. Hey, who knows, maybe even movie rights and a comic-con table)

This piece defiantly needs polishing, but if you clean up the grammar and bulky language use in places and then really work on what you want to portray and how best to portray it, this could be a really great piece for those who already know your world. Interesting concept that I'd like to see developed and something you should expand upon, I have no doubt your mind has the capability and hope you continue to work on this concept in the future.

[Mikael Malmberg]

Fortunately your disadvantage is not big as you think; as it stands, this is only the second short piece I have of this world. I wrote it a year ago, never really expecting to publish it. So it's great to see such a well written piece of criticism for it! This will certainly prove useful. Thank you.

This story isn't much more than vague ideas at this point (and the story is somewhat intentionally vague). Khobos (working title) is the stuff I'm working on right now.

Now to the thing. I wholesomely agree with your critique.

[Mikael Malmberg]

Woops, time was short and I had to go earlier than I expected.

Your comment on the use of ellipses is well-received. I don't tend to use them nowadays (as they feel clunky to me) but your perspective helped me understand them better.

I agree with your comments on "it", and I admit it was an on-the-spot improvisation. I never bothered to change it afterwards. However, this means that I need to launch into other, less subtle explanations of his transformation from a mindless entity into a person. Any ideas how to do that better?

[JCat]

Ah I understand. Fantasy is very very hard in that respect, trying to add hooks that are enticing not confusing; balancing the line between too much description that leaves the reader overwhelmed and too little that leaves them confused. It's a hard genre.

Anyway, I'm so glad you enjoyed my review! I hope I wasn't too harsh, because don't get me wrong there are definitely some really good things about your writing as well.

My use of ellipses is frequent but with each edit I cut them all out when I realize they don't make sense, so it's probably something a lot of writer's do in the initial creation.

Honestly, I'm not sure how you could change the "it" thing. They implies more people. However, you could stick with he (cause even if he has no memories, he can look down and see that he's a dude), and then come in with a name (and you get the 40 minutes of trawling through behindthename.com for a name that pronounces well and spells well, and suits the character.) It doesn't give it as much mystery, but might connect the reader in more? Which is always vital near the start.

[Mikael Malmberg]

We'll see. I don't put as much thought behind characters as that. I'm more of a one-timer in that regard: I plan a lot beforehand, and when I start writing, I let the characters play out on paper as I want them to according to the plot.

[JCat]

Ah I see. Sorry, I do character based novels. So I spend 40 minutes on names and days on traits and backstories. The plot serves the character's rather than the character's serving the plot.