The Cold

A metaphor poem i suppose, free verse (not exactly keen on the literary terminology) Haha look at those tags they're terrible!

The Cold

A shiver when he awake at first light.

A frozen breath, the words profess his plight.

A hidden need at the helm of his distress,

For he and another to coalesce.

A sprinkling of hail that chips at his heart.

A sheet of ice, his balance torn apart.

A human frailty that he doth loathe.

An early Spring frost, that stunts his growth.

His blankets, his jackets, save him they cannot!

A momentary relief that soon, is but naught.

For the cold pierces through all that he may have!

A biting wind, unable to find his salve.

In madcap pursuit of reprieve from the cold,

The warmth of another, tempting to the soul.

It repels the chill, but the flame fades fast.

Stamped out, pondering why it did not last.

The loss of all hope, he shuns the world away.

Never having found his desire, to his dismay.

He succumbs to the cold woefully devoid of

His one salvation, the warmth of love.

Author's Note

Alright this is my first personal writing that I have showed to someone else so I want you all to tear it apart give me your honest opinions on it.

Reviews

[Eric Pudalov]

Tear it apart? OK, you asked for it! Well first off, I actually do like it overall. It's written with powerful language and expresses a longing for love very well.

However, in my opinion, because it's a rhyming poem, I think it would sound better with a tighter rhythm. For example, in the first two lines, the first two lines have a different number of syllables...the first line has 10, and the second has 11. When I was reading it, that seemed to throw it off. Since some of the other lines have 10 syllables, that seems like a good number to go with, but it's up to you!

I do really like the rhyming of "distress" and "coalesce." That's a rhyme I probably would never have thought of! In the third stanza, I also think the rhythm is thrown off in the first two lines; it would sound better to say "In madcap pursuit of reprieve from the cold," and not "a reprieve." This is something you can play around with, of course.

What may help is to read it out loud to yourself, or to someone else, to see if it "sounds right." Again, that's very subjective, but I hope that's helpful! And keep it up, I'd love to hear more of your work!!

[Leighton]

Thank you for reviewing my poem! Glad somebody liked it! Anyways, I did try to stick to the 10 syllable limit at first but then, when i was reading it out loud i found to me at least, that some phrases could get away with it. Like in the third stanza the first two lines do not match but when i read it aloud it still seemed to go well. The same with that jarring 15 syllable line at the end of it. But ive taken your advice and applied it to what I could, I would be grateful if you could reread my tweaked version. I'm very new at writing poetry and so of course miss things that seasoned ones notice.

[Leighton]

Also the last two lines of the first stanza for example are very far from equal syllable but still sounded right to me. You didn't point that one out so I wasn't sure what you thought of it

[Eric Pudalov]

I'll check it out again and see how it sounds! And yes, sometimes it doesn't have to be "perfect" and will still sound right...sometimes songs with "wrong notes" sound best that way, right?

[Caradoc]

Poignant and well written. A perfect poem for the day, as love has many facets.

I enjoyed the last stanza the most. It wrapped everything up quite well and was powerful.

-Caradoc

[Leighton]

Thank you, I don't know if you know but these reviews for a new writer are so amazing for me, appreciated!

[Caradoc]

You are most welcome.

[AWSklavos]

Hello. I like it, skims well, lots of rhyme, easy to follow. If you want me to tear it apart, I would say that perhaps it doesn't really grip the heart. But that is just my opinion. I think if this if your first, better things will surely come. And; that he doth loathe, has someone been reading Shakespeare or Old English? Nice work.

[Leighton]

Oh, you noticed that? Haha, yes it just came out and it fit well so I figured why change it! Anyways yes I understand, that would be hard to remedy for me since I already possess the feelings and to convey them to another is difficult. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the story and image of this man rather than focusing on his feelings? Anyway the review is appreciated thanks!

[AWSklavos]

I am not sure to be honest, sometimes you just read a great poem and get blown away. Mind you, my favourites, the ones I am comparing you to, are those such as Keats, Tennyson, Kipling, Rimbaud. So please, do not take my criticism too harshly. I think what you have written is splendid.

[Eric Pudalov]

Yes, I like how it sounds now! I'm not sure exactly where you tweaked it, but somehow it's just right. And I see what you mean...the syllables don't have to match exactly, but it has a rhythm to it that works well. And of course, the rest comes with practice.