Beautiful Words From An Inebriated Crook

You're soft

and moving

You're on fire--

live from the stage,

closer, so the sun

may open your throat

allow me to see inside.

 

 

Let me breathe (why?) so I can cringe

(what for?) to feel sheltered by her device (yeah?)

and that her music may spare me

another day, another bowl to circle (oh)

 

 

Don't leave, don't leave

bury my lung

closer, so the sun

won't scorch her insides

 

 

Can you let me speak? (what would you say?)

violence wasn't a voice

(isn't it?) no, it's a bone stuck in the cog (yeah?)

she'll abandon her post, closer, let's hope she doesn't burn,

and notice my weak stares...

 

You're sweet

but I can't prove

how you move me...

still live from the stage.

You're a haven--

my savior

but don't fly too near,

lest my lung singe

I can still peer inside.

 

 

I might push her (yeah?) over the edge

what do you think? (sounds neat)

Are you impressed, even if we weren't so blessed? (what for?)

I thought you would be--

don't ask me for a piece of God, I'll take you there. (where else?) 

 

come here, stay here

bury my lung

closer, so the sun

won't scorch her insides

you know how it feels

live from the stage; you might trip up

closer, too close

so the sun--

may bury my lung,

closer, now I can peek inside

just me, not the sun.

Reviews

[G.A. Collins]

This is incredibly cryptic, and enticingly beautiful. The intimacy of your wording is impeccable, and I especially liked your style, using brackets to segment the dialogue, and bring the words from the page (or should I say, screen) and into a realistic voiced piece. It's a gem of poetry, this.

[Sharon L.H. Kelly]

Intense, I would expect nothing less and you don't disappoint! I love the dual dialogue. Meanings? I don't dare to guess. My interpretation is likely different from your intent, but that is what poetry does when it is good!

[Astro]

Admittedly I am a bit puzzled by this, not by its form nor, by its questioning voice but by the line, "bury my lung". I can sense the longing and desire within the piece but aside from the title talking about inebriation the "sun/lung" reference could only be understood as the heat of a drunken breath, and the uncontrollable and sometimes violent emotions that go along with alcoholism. Am I right? If not forgive me, one man's cryptic poetry is another mans clear blue sky. Thought provoking and interesting read.

[Vile]

That line is perhaps the very heart of the poem. For me to explain, I'd have to explain the whole piece to you.

[Astro]

It's o.k. sometimes a good poem is to be experienced and not always understood concretely. I feel that this is a personal piece that you shade in your own color, so, I'll take it like it is. A flowing dynamo of voice and emotion.

[Vile]

None of my work is personal, my friend.

[Astro]

Poems show a reflection of who we are whether we pour our hearts or, minds onto the page it gets stained in something uniquely our own. Keep it up~

[Vile]

I can agree to that, that no matter fiction or non-fiction there is still a part of you engrained in it no matter what.

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the inner-dialogue, the dual nature of the person in this intense struggle... Closer to the sun - warmer, full of light - but it will burn... Good write, lots to think about here.

[Vile]

Thank you for the kind words, that is my main goal in writing, to invoke thought. :D

[emmajoy]

I find your work extraordinary, out of my own personal vision but, BUT, that doesn't mean i don't find it intriguingly beautiful. There are phrases that touch a vast space of sorts, '.. let me breathe (why?) so I can cringe ~ (what for?) to feel sheltered by her device (yeah?) ~ and that her music may spare me ~ another day, another bowl to circle (oh).. ' As for the scene, a meeting for real or maybe imagination when passions wild reach somewhere inexplicable for you, creator?

[Adora.xo]

Not to sound redundant, but this was most definitely intense. Like breathing in thick humid air. I loved the back and forth. It sets a scene in my mind, of a lethargic -empty- boy in a dark smokey place... a club/strip club perhaps? Seduced by a woman... maybe a dancer there, and he's trying to talk to her, to tell her something profound because he sees his greatest asset to be his words, but she has been put there for physical pleasure perhaps. But this boy needs something more than a physical connection, he wants to fill her with his words too.

This is a very tense piece, makes the reader forget to breathe and draws knots in my stomach.

Very well done!

[Vile]

Thank you for the read, I love when random people happen upon my writing and enjoy it. :D I appreciate the kind words and your interpretation.

[Adora.xo]

My pleasure!

[KeeD]

This is almost like an intense conversation within a split personality. This is edgy and has that element of intensity to heighten the atmosphere in the readers head. You have an alternative style of writing and I quite like it, almost like it's a personal anthem to you. Good on this write!

[Luna Evangeline]

Oh my. That was positively gorgeous. So many interpretations are possible...Mine is a softspoken (is that an English word? Perhaps not. :P) boy who has fallen so excruciatingly hard for a beautiful girl, and he's infatuated, and he admires her so... Lovely. Simply lovely. :) It's almost lyrical, especially with the thoughts in parenthesis. Those could be echos. (Echoes? How to spell that?) Anyway. Fantastic piece here. I hope you don't mind my copying it down to read later. (With all credit due to its amazingly talented author, of course! ^.^) Well I suppose I'd best be going. Superb poem. Beautiful. Thanks for letting me read it lovee. :)

Much love,
.:*:.Amor.:*:.

[Quill~]

I'm impressed with this one!... it grabs me...
You bring a certain darkness to this.. and still a burning fire felt. Nice work V! :)

[Vile]

Thank you for the kind words. :D

[Pete Langley]

Interesting. I think your writing is raw and different and very personal to you, but reading it as a poet, I think you have to tidy it up....for me, thought streams are often marvellous poetry, but only so if they`re progressive, unrepetitive, and lead the reader into your thought train...otherwise they lack the `hook` - the same way a good song connects to the listener. Hope this is helpful. P.

[ayosonolowo]

Nice one palx



i really like it