Note To Self

Blue eyes, blue oceans, blue skies, the color blue could be such a beautiful thing, but also one of the most depressing. Blue oceans were considered beautiful, mysterious things that had yet to be explored. Blue skies were considered to be a happy thing because there were no clouds blocking its true beauty. Blue eyes, well that’s where things get complicated, blue eyes could be considered beautiful, but there were times when they could be cold and icy. I fell in love with blue eyes, I married beautiful blue eyes. Within those blue eyes, was a story of a man with a tortured past. Inside those eyes, there was pain and sorrow. Inside those eyes there were things that he could never unsee no matter how hard he tried. Those eyes were constantly replaying the story of a man who desperately needed to heal.

October 17, 2016, that was the day I first met him, we were in eighth grade and sat next to me on the bus and we’d talked until I had had to get off. I had smiled like an idiot the entire time, he had smiled, but I could tell it was at least partly fake. Our friendship blossomed from there, after that day we were always texting and laughing and being awesome, at least according to us. We never really hung out outside of school because he never wanted to leave his house or he would make an excuse. Sometimes he would have a legitimate reason that he couldn’t, usually that he was at his mom’s house. His parents were divorced which is where his pain started, after that he just made stupid jokes all the time, even if there was a serious topic being discussed. It bothered a lot of people, but for me it stopped being a problem after a while. Eventually, he just stopped being like that whenever I texted him, he didn’t change around his other friends, but that was okay. We remained friends throughout the entirety of high school. A lot of people gave us a hard time about the fact that we were so close yet we weren’t dating. We both hated it and poked holes in their logic which pissed them off. At the time neither of us could’ve known how the future would go. Everything changed the summer after our senior year. One day he and I met at the park near our houses, he had asked me to come because he had something he needed to say. I, of course, said I would come and that I had be there right away. He had never once asked me to go to the park before so I knew something was wrong. When he and I were both at the park he sat me down at a picnic table and just stared into my eyes for a moment. I didn’t say anything out of fear of scaring him out of telling me. We sat in silence for a while before anyone said anything, both of us were clearly nervous about the entire situation.

Finally he said, “ I need to tell you something important. It’s going to sound like high school drama but I need to say it now before I chicken out again.”

“ What do you mean again,” I asked.

“ I cannot tell you how many times I’ve tried to say this to you and gotten scared. I was so scared of what you would say because of how much we both laughed about the idea of this ever happening,” he rambled on.

“ You can tell me anything, you don’t have to be scared,” I said trying to keep the nervous tone out of my voice.

“ I know I can, but I don’t want to screw up our friendship because I care about it, I really do. This entire relationship means so much to me that I can’t even bring myself to think about what I would do without it.”

“ Hey! Quit going crazy,” I said, “ You are one of the most important people in the world to me, nothing you say right now can change that, within reason. Basically as long as you don’t say that you murdered and/or raped someone you’re pretty much in the clear. Please, you’re seriously freaking me out now, just tell me.”

“ I’m sorry, but this is just so hard to say to you,” he said.

“ Okay,” I said pulling a pen and paper out of my bag, “ then write it down.”

“ Why?”

“ If you can’t say it, then write it down. Trust me, it makes it a lot easier. You don’t have to worry about sounding poetic or saying the night words, you just write them down. The best part, is the fact that if what you write doesn’t work the way you want you can tear it up. If that makes any sense at all.”

“ Fine,” he said taking the pen, “ it doesn’t by the way, but I know you have to be right when you start rambling like a crazy person.”

I turned away as he frantically wrote down what he’d wanted to say. When he finished he tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the, now folded up, piece of paper. I smiled at him, his face was so red from nervousness, as I opened it up and began reading.

Dear Raegan,

I really want to say this, but as I’ve clearly demonstrated, words are not my strong suit. I waited until now so you wouldn’t feel pressured by those idiots at school to respond in a way that wouldn’t make you happy. You have been my friend for a long time and have always been honest with me and it wouldn’t be right if I wasn’t honest with you. By the way, you are totally right this is making it a lot easier to tell you. For a while now, I’ve been seeing you in a different light, or whatever you want to call it. I’ve also been ignoring the way I’ve been seeing you for a while now. Recently, I’ve been having feelings for you. I know that this all sounds like high school drama and all this is, is me lusting after you, but I promise you it’s not. I could sit here and list off a thousand different things I like about you without once mentioning your appearance. That sounds kind of like I’m saying you aren’t attractive but I’m not I swear. Please, you don’t feelings by explaining yourself if you don’t feel the same way. In fact I would much rather you just get up and walk away. No matter what you say I hope this won’t mean the end of our friendship because I don’t know what I would do without you.

• Carter

I looked up at him for a moment, his eyes were filled with so many emotions that I couldn’t even distinguish them. I couldn’t even form words, let alone an understandable sentence that would give him an answer. I pulled out my own piece of paper and started writing down a response.

Dear Carter,

Thank you so much for being honest with me, I won’t lie to you like some crappy romance movie where people are “scared of their feelings”. I’ve been feeling the same way about you for a long time. Thank you so much for telling me, and for being able to actually form words before resorting to writing everything like me. I now understand why you didn’t tell me before, you made the right choice and it definitely makes answering you easier. Like I said, I’ve been feeling the same way about you and I think this could work out really well for both of us, I think we could make this work. Also, no matter what would’ve happened or what might happen from this point forward will not ruin our friendship. I know that this friendship means too much to both of us to let it be destroyed. I would be lost without you in my life and I could never let you go.

- Rowan

I handed him my letter and waited anxiously for him to read it. I had never been so nervous in my life, my hands were sweaty, my heart and mind were racing, and my muscles felt lighter than air. I desperately wanted a relationship with him to work out but I was very aware of the fact that it very well could end in the destruction of our friendship and that terrified me to my very core.

“ So we’re going to try and make this work? This is crazy,” he said, his words making me jump.

“ I guess so. Who ever said we were normal,” I said.

We both laughed and smiled, we were excited and scared about what was going to happen next. Little did we know that Carter’s life was about to go to hell and I was going to be dragged down with him.

* * * * *

The rest of the summer had been amazing. I had been filled with fun dates and first kisses and hand holding. Our first date had been laughably awkward, at least at first. He had invited me to the movies, which was fine, but in the middle of the movie he had tried to put his arm around me which resulted in me getting poked in the eye. I had laughed so loud at his clumsiness that we got kicked out of the theater. Instead of just going home, we decided to go to an old cafe and get some food. At the diner everything started to flow seamlessly. We talked and laughed without feeling any pressure. The waitresses were super nice to us and kept giving Carter a hard time because of how nervous he looked. At the end of the night the waitresses brought us a free dessert as a way to wish us good luck. When he finally took me home he was very polite and opened the car door for me and walked me to my front porch. We exchanged the typical ‘thank yous’ and ‘had a great times’ before he turned to leave. I had turned around to go inside but he ran back over to me and grabbed my hand. I asked him what he was doing and was surprised when he leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft kiss but I was so nervous and excited that it didn’t matter. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer to him. I put my hands on his shoulders and squeezed them lightly. I could tell that he was tense, so was I, we were officially crossing a line that neither of us had ever thought we would, it was insane. When he pulled away we remained the same way for a long time until he said good night and started walking to his car. I stood and watched until his car was gone before going inside. I was feeling butterflies and was lightheaded from how happy I was. I went to bed that night smiling like an idiot the same way I had when we had first met.

His hell opened up on January twenty-fifth, 2017. We had been on a date at a small little coffee shop in the center of downtown. I could remember everything leading up to it, we had gotten our drinks, he had ordered coffee black and I had gotten green tea with honey. We hadn’t even planned on going there but it had been freezing and the car had been a few more blocks down, so we had stopped into get out of the cold. We had both been laughing hysterically when his phone rang, he picked it up and answered. I had never been a smile leave someone’s face so quickly. He didn’t say a word the entire he had been on the phone. The call lasted no more than a minute and once it was over he stood up, grabbed his jacket, and threw ten bucks on the table. I stood up and grabbed my own coat and practically chased him out the door. When I did finally catch him he grabbed my hand and basically dragged me down the street towards the car.

“ Hey,” I said, “ what’s going on?”
No response. When we got to the car he unlocked it and opened the door for me before hopping in the driver’s seat.

“ Hey. Look at me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“ My parents,” Carter said.

“ What about your parents?”

“ They were in a really bad car accident and are both in critical condition.”

Just as the last word had left his mouth, tears began to fall from his eyes like waterfalls. He collapsed into a puddle of tears before he could say anything else. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight to try and bring him back to reality. It took a minute, but eventually he was able to pull himself together just enough to be able to pull himself together just enough to be able to drive. He let go of my hand and instead rested his hand on my leg, I rested my hand on the back of his. We didn’t talk the entire trip, I just dept rubbing his hand, neither of us had been prepared for something like this to happen, who would be. I could feel his fear rising as we approached the hospital parking lot. The second the car was in the park he threw himself out of the car and started running towards the door. I was only steps behind him as we crashed through the doors.

“ Carter! Stop,” I said grabbing his hand to slow him down, “ I know you’re scared, I am too, but you need to remain calm.”

“ Don’t tell me to calm down, Rowan,” he said.

“ Hey. look at me, you freaking out and running around like a mad man isn’t going to do anything,” I said. He tried to look away again but I continued, “ He. don’t look at anything but me. Your parents are in trouble and you aren’t going to find them any faster by acting like a maniac. You need to keep your head when you go in that room. Now, are you calm enough to be an adult about this?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Let’s go,” he said, still not completely calm, but close enough.

“ Okay. Do you need me to talk to these people for you?”

“ Yeah. That would probably be best.”

“ Alright, let’s get going.”

I kept a strong hold on his hand as we walked up to the receptionist’s desk.

“ Excuse me, we are here for Michael and Jenny Smith. We just got a call that they were  in a car accident,” I said.

“ The secretary looked up and me and said, “ Of course. Dr. Miles is right over there and he will give you an update on their condition.”

“ Thank you so much,” I replied.

I pulled on Carter’s arm slightly before he followed behind. I approached the doctor doing my best to keep a neutral expression despite the fear that had almost overtaken me entirely. The doctor noticed us coming towards him and he gave us a slight smile.

“ Hello,” I said, “ this is the son of Michael and Jenny Smith.”

“ Nice to meet you, I’m Dr. Miles, why don’t we step into my office,” he said, motioning to a boring gray door.

“ Of course,” I said following his lead.

The office was disturbingly clean with blindingly white walls and fluorescent lights. We sat down in two uncomfortable chairs across from the doctor. The air stank of antiseptic and latex.

“ Well, let

S start with some introductions before we get into the details,” he said.

I straightened my back and said, “ I’m Rowan and this is my boyfriend, Carter.”

“ Nice to meet you both,” he said, extending his hand. Carter and I both shook it and sat in silence for a moment.

“ What’s the situation? Are they going to be okay,” I asked.

“ I’m afraid it’s not looking good, they are both in critical condition, as I’m sure you’re both aware, We don’t know any logistics of the crash, all we know is that they will both be going in for emergency surgery in a matter of minutes.”

Finally, Carter spoke, “ What are their chances of surviving this?”’

The doctor though for a moment before he said, “ I’m afraid that for both of them, well, it’s next to nothing. They are both so close to death that I can’t even say which of them has a better chance.”

I stared at the doctor for a moment before I was finally able to say, “ So, as of right now they’re both on their deathbeds and we shouldn’t be getting our hopes up.”

“ I wish I could say that they had better odds, but I’m afraid that at this point it would take a surgeon with a magic wand,” he said.

Carter looked Dr. Miles directly in the eyes and said, “ Is there even a point to doing the procedure, can’t you just pull the plug.”

I whirled my head towards him and yelled, “ Carter! How could you even say that!?!”

“ Rowan, did you not just hear the man, he said it would take a f*****g wizard to save them and last time I checked wizards didn’t exist!”

“ Still, there is a chance, no matter how small it may be, it’s a chance. If you don’t at least let them d the procedure then there is no chance. Hardly a chance is better than no chance at all,” I said, “ Please don’t do this to them Carter.”

“ I’m not an idiot Rowan, I know that a slight chance is better than none, but I know that miracles and wizard aren’t real and even if they are they aren’t going to waste their time on me. I would rather say the word and have them pull the plug and know that they were going to die than sit around feeding of of false hope only to have the same outcome,” he said.

Dr. Miles waited for a moment before he broke the silence by saying, “ Mr. Smith, I understand what you are saying and I am fully obligated to do as you say in this situation, but Rowan is right, a slim chance is still a chance, wouldn’t you want your parents to do the same for you.”

“ No,” he said, “ I would want them to have some sort of control and just pull the plug. I would rather them be able to say goodbye to their son and have some sort of closure. It wouldn’t be fair to them if they had to sit in a waiting room for hours just hoping that I would be okay when they knew that I most likely wouldn’t. Let me ask you this, what would you rather have, Dr. Miles, closure or false hope?”

“ I understand,” said Dr. Miles, “ but in medicine a small chance could be the difference between life and death.”

“ Fine. do the procedure, see how much more it hurts me to sit around and wait when I know very well that I could’ve said goodbye.”

With that he stood up and walked out of the doctor’s office. I followed right behind him as he walked out the front doors of the hospital and began walking down the street. I sped up for a second so I was next to him, I didn’t try and hold his hand or hug him, he was upset and didn’t want that right now. We walked for about a minute when he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, I wrapped my arm around him and we continued walking. We walked until we found a small park, it was completely empty, but everything about it was beautiful. Everything was covered in glittering white snow and sharp icicles. It was so perfect that it looked like a scene out of children’s book. Carter led me over to a bench, brushed off all the snow, and sat me down next to him. We sat there cuddling on the bench for a while incomplete silence.

“ What would you want,” he said, “ closure or hope?”

“ It would depend on the person and my relationship with them,” I said.

“ Let’s just say it was me in a similar situation and you were the one who had to make the decision. What would you choose?”

I thought for a long time before finally I was able to say, “ Closure. I would want to be able to say goodbye and hold your hand as you died. The hope I would be given by you going through with the procedure would just make things worse. At least with closure, I would be able to say everything I wanted to say,” I said, I knew what he had been trying to do, “ What about for me?”

“ Closure. One hundred percent. I would have to say goodbye to you if I knew I could. If I didn’t, the pain would be too much. I love you.”

I had sat frozen for a second, that had been the first time he had said that to me. Luckily, the answer wasn’t hard to find, I had simply said, “ I love you too.”

We stared at each other for a while, both of us completely oblivious to the world around us. I became lost in his eyes, I could s the pain, anger, and sadness, I wanted to take it away, but I couldn’t. I pulled him into an embrace, tears filling my eyes, this was all too much to take. I had felt him begin to cry into my shoulder. I had held him close so he had felt safe, so he would know that he wasn’t alone. We sat there for a song time, both of us with our eyes filled with tears.

“ I can’t believe they’re going to die,” he said into my shoulder.

I squeezed him even tighter and said, “ Hey, you don’t know that. They could be fine, there is a chance that they could live. Please, don’t give up hope, not yet.”

“ I know I shouldn’t, but I’m struggling to hold on, I know that they’re dying and I can’t do anything to help them,” he said, still sobbing.

“ I know it’s hard, but you can’t just give up on them, they could still make it.”

“ It just seems so hopeless, they are dying in a hospital bed about to go in for surgery. They’re probably being wheeled into the operating room right now, not even being able to understand that they are most likely going to die in a matter of hours,” he said letting go of me.

“ I know it’s scary,” i said, “ but you have to believe. You don’t have to have hope, or even think that they are going to live, but you have to believe that they have a chance. Right, now, you are telling yourself that their death is inevitable, you’re right, there is a ninety-nine percent chance that they are going to die, but you have to believe in that on percent instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong.”

“ I’m trying to, but their colors are fading fast and I can’t stop them. I desperately want them to be okay and for their vibrancy to stay, but I can feel their voices fading already and it’s terrifying,” he said, “ Please, just bring their colors back, keep their voices alive.”

“ Carter,” I said softly, “ you’re going crazy. Everything is going to be fine, no matter what happens, everything will be fine. I know it will.”

“ No, rowan, you don’t know,” he said standing up, “ You think that by saying that you know something it will help, but it won’t. Quit trying to make this better than it is. I know you are trying to help, but I’d much rather just go back to the hospital.”

“ Okay, I’m sorry, let’s go.”

We stood up and started walking back towards the hospital, out of the beautiful childhood scene and back into the real world. It didn’t take long, but as we got closer the already cold day seemed to get even colder. The doors alone were daunting, like the entrance to a dungeon. When we got inside, we were greeted by Dr. Miles. He gave us a small smile before he said, “ I’m glad you’re back, I have some news.”

He guided us back into his office and sat us down. We were both sitting on the edge of our chairs, Carter was so anxious that he almost looked angry. I grabbed his hand and held it between both of mine.

Dr. Miles sat down across from us and looked me in the eyes as he said, “ I’m very sorry, but neither of your parents survived the operation. You both knew that their chances were slim, Jenny didn’t even make it to the operating room and Michael did about halfway through. I wish I had better news, but there is nothing we could have done.”

I started to cry, but when I looked over at Carter, his face was emotionless. He pulled his hand away and put his arms around me. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms his neck. After a few seconds he exploded into his own flood of tears. I held him close, desperately trying to pull him into a stable reality. He squeezed me so tight that I was almost having trouble breathing, but I didn’t care, he needed someone. It didn’t matter how I felt, he was the one that mattered, the gates to hell were open and the devil was waiting to greet him.

* * * * *

Carter’s aunt held the funeral two weeks after their deaths. I held his hand as people engaged in small talk with him and their condolences, none of which he took. The entire room was filled with so many tears and wet tissues that the air actually felt humid. There were speeches given and stories shared about Carter’s parents all of which Carter ignored almost entirely. He didn’t hardly say anything throughout the time that we were there, he would give short, curt responses and sometimes just completely ignore people. A few times I almost said something about it, but he didn’t deserve to be criticized for not wanting to talk. The times when he did simply choose to ignore people I usually made small talk with them on his behalf. The usually took the hint that Carter didn’t want to talk fairly quickly and left as soon as possible. I felt sorry for the people who couldn’t even get a word out of him, but I respected Carter’s decision. One look at Carter and you could see that he was in pain, within his eyes you could see that the anger was building, but somewhere inside there was still a light. I knew that no one else could see it, but I could, he was fighting to keep is happiness alive. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to do, but he was trying and that was what mattered.

Once the funeral was over Carter and i went for a drive up to an old spot where you could see the entire city. We drove up there a lot, it was quite, calm, and just beautiful in general. I couldn’t think of any place more peaceful, something about being able to see the entire city and not hear it, was so calming. As Carter and I were sitting up there, on the hood of his car I looked over at him and just stared. I took in every detail of him. His messy brown hair, his smooth tan skin, his strong jaw, his freckles, his slightly too big nose, his bushy eyebrows, and his piercing blue eyes. His eyes were so beautiful, so blue that it was like two drops of sky had been placed in his irises. They were almost hypnotic, something about them seemed to move, this was the first time I had noticed how beautiful they were. I wished that I could sit here and look at them forever, I wished that I could help take the pain away.

After thirty seconds, Carter noticed my staring and said, “ What? Is something wrong?”

“ No,” I said, “ nothing is wrong at all.”

He gave me a doubtful look and asked, “ Why were you staring at me, then?”

“ Because,” I started, “ you are just that beautiful. Also, you’re perfect and you eyes are amazing. It’s not a very poetic sentence, but that’s why.”

“ I’m no were near perfect, but thanks. Just for the record, if anyone here is perfect, it’s you.”

“ You’re blind.”

“ No, I’m not. Love is blind. Love can’t see you, so everything that love touches is perfect. I love you, therefore you’re perfect.”

“ Then by that logic so are you. I love you, therefore you’re perfect.”

“ I guess so.”

He reached over and pulled me close to him, I hugged him tight and curled up next to him. We sat and watched the city go by for hours, no speaking, just looking out and thinking about, with everything that had happened I didn’t know what else he could possible think about. It was so calm out there that he might have been able to think about something else, but I would never know. At that moment I didn’t care what he was thinking about, I just hoped that all of this was going to end and that Carter was going to heal.

* * * * *

Over the next few months, Carter went to therapy and eventually he was able to move on. He and I became nearly inseparable and whenever we had to be apart we were texting or talking on the phone. We were an extremely annoying couple, but we loved it. He and I lived in different apartments, but we usually spent the night at one another’s apartments. We were both able to move on from everything, but I could see that Carter was still taking it pretty hard. I never mentioned it because I knew if I did it might knock him back to where he had been.

One day, Carter and I were at the park where we had first decided to be together. We  had started going there a lot more often, I didn’t know why, we both just loved being there. He was holding my hand a little too tight and pulling me down one of the running trails. I was laughing so hard that I started to trip, he turned around and caught me and picked me up. I let out a scream followed by another eruption of giggles as he was carrying me down the path. I was punching him in the chest, but he wouldn’t let me down. He had the biggest grin on his face as he laughed at my weak, half hearted punches. He looked down at me with a mischievous look in his eyes and he pretended to drop me. I screamed again. He laughed at me and did it again, I started punching him harder, but my laughter made it extremely difficult. He kept running until he suddenly to a sharp turn down one of the unmarked trails. We finally came to a halt in the middle of a clearing. He took a few more steps forward, knelt down, and set me on the ground. I looked around to see that he had set up a cute, little picnic with flowers and the classic red and white, checkered picnic blanket.

“ Surprise,” he said, “ Happy birthday Rowan.” It’s not much, but it’s something.”

“ I love it,” I said giggling, “ and I love you.”

“ I love you more,” he said sitting down right next to me and putting his arm over my shoulders.

“ I don’t think that’s possible,” I said giving him a peck on the cheek. He was way too cute sometimes.

“ It is if I say so.”

“ You aren’t the king of the world.”

“ I know that, but I also know that I love you more than anything.”

“ I know,” I said,” You tell me every day, but honey I love you so much more.”

“ You’re probably right, but I’ll still argue you about it.”

I wouldn’t have it any other way, but Carter, no matter how much you argue, you will still be wrong,” I said. I hated how cute he could be, it was unfair.

“ I know, but you are so adorable that arguing with you about pointless stuff I know I’m wrong about is the only thing that I have,” he said.

“ That makes absolutely no sense. But for the record you are the cute one,” I said poking her nose.

“ Not a chance, but thankyou anyway. Now, shall we enjoy some delicious food,” he said.

We both laughed at our own stupidity. Carter grabbed the basket and pulled out bread, salad, and some sort of pasta. Wesat and talked for almost two hours, we laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. At the end of our meal Carter reached into the basket and pulled out a velvet box. I was so surprised when I saw it that I could hardly contain myself. We had been together for almost three years now, but I would never have expected something like this today.

“ Rowan,” he said with a serious look on his face.

“ Yes,” I said, my voice filled with nervous excitement.

“ I love you so much, you’ve seen me at my best and my worst, but you’ve always been there. Without you I would be lost, I wouldn’t have been able to make it through the past few months without you, let alone the last few years.”

“Carter,” I said, “ I love you too and no matter what happens, I’ll always be there.”

“ Rowan, will you marry me?”

Tears of joy immediately filled both our eyes,” Yes.”

He pulled me into a strong embrace and kissed the top of my head. I tilted my head up and stared into his eyes, that were now filled with happiness. I say up a little bit and kissed him, it was shor, but filled with so much love that it made the world see brighter.

“ I love you almost too much,” I said.

“ I don’t think that’s possible for me to love you too much,” he said kissing me on the forehead.

I leaned into him and said” I have never been this happy.”

“ Me neither.”

“ I never thought that this was going to happen,” I said.

“ Why not?”

“ I don’t really know. I guess I just never thought that we would last this long.”

He squeezed me tighter and asked, “ Again, why not?”

“ Again, I don’t really know. It’s just that we had been friends for so long that I figured we would just slip back into being friends.”

“ I guess that's fair,” he said.

“ So, did you ever have doubts like that,” I asked.

“ No not at all, it felt right, like this was how it was meant to be.”

“ I can’t imagine what it would be like if you had never had the courage, or I guess, write me,” I said giggling at the memory.

“ Well we both know what would’ve happened to me,,” he said.

“ What?”

“ What are you talking about?!?”

“ YOu would still be my friend and all, but if I hadn’t had you around I would’ve swallowed the pills for real.”

“ Carter, don’t say that. What do you mean’ for real’? Tell me what happened right now,” I said sitting up straight.

“ Right after my parents died, I was feeling insanely alone and like nothing would be okay again. The day of their funeral I woke up and could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I went into my bathroom and I saw my pain meds on the counter. I poured out the entire bottle and was about to swallow when you knocked on the door,” he explained.

“ Oh my god, Carter. Why didn’t you tell me

“ I didn’t need to, you saved my life just by being you and showing up, I didn’t need to tell you,” he said.

“ You wouldn’t be dead,” I said.

“ What do you mean? Yes, I would be. If you hadn’t knocked on my door I would have swallowed the pills,” he argued.

“ Exactly, you would have swallowed the pills if I hadn’t been there, but whoever said I wouldn’t have knocked on you door. I still would've been your friend and I still would have come.”

“ I know but I wouldn’t have answered for you if you had just been my friend. Also, as my friend you wouldn’t have come to pick me up. You would have met me at the funeral, don’t argue about it, you know it’s true.”

I really couldn’t argue, I knew that he was right. We always met places when we were friends. I had never once picked him up. The thought of him taking those pills while I was driving to his parent’s funeral made me sick. I felt terrible. He had been suicidal and I had never even noticed.

“ I’m so sorry,” he said.

“ I don’t know what to say. I’m the one who should be sorry, I shouldn’t have left you alone when you were that upset.”

“ Hey. There is no way you could have known. Listen, none of that matters now. We’re going to get married and be happy for the rest of our lives.”

“ I still feel terrible.”

“ Please, don’t. You saved my life without even knowing it.”

“ That makes me feel a little bit better but not much.”

“ That’s okay.”

“ I love you so much.”

“ I love you too.”

* * * * *

We got married six months later. It was a beautiful fall day in October. Carter picked the date week after we got engaged. October 17th. The day we had first decided to get together. When he had said that I had started to cry out of pure happiness. He had also picked out the most perfect place. It was our favorite spot at the top of the mountain where we went after the funeral. The first place that I had noticed his true beauty. His messy hair, his slightly too big nose, and his beautiful blue eyes. I couldn’t believe I was going to be my life, I was so excited. I loved him so much for remembering and I couldn’t believe he would be that perfect that he would pick the exact right day and the exact right place.

I walked down the aisle, wearing a basic white wedding dress, no lace or embellishments, it was perfect. I saw him at the altar in a simple black three piece suit. He looked so amazing. He was standing up straight smiling like an idiot. I reached the altar with tears of joy flowing from my eyes. He held my hands as my father gave his speech. It was a moving speech. The ring bearer came down the aisle and did his job perfectly and we went through the ring ceremony. Finally we got to say our vows. He went first. They were so beautiful, he thanked me for helping me through the death of my parents and saving his life and being his everything. I didn’t think that he was correct in anything that he was saying, he had been his own savior he, I hadn’t done everything.

When it was my turn I just smiled and handed him a handwritten note. He smiled and opened it up.

Dear Carter,

Thank you for having the courage to use words and for being able to use words before resorting to writing. Thank you for having the courage to tell me how you felt all those years ago. I love you so much and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Love,

Rowan

Author's Note

This is the first and only true love story that I'm going to write, but I am proud of this one so I hope you enjoy. Please ignore my faulty grammar. Thanks : )