You Are The Reason

The struggles a girl may have to go through during high school after she has been raped.

My parents searched through my room for clues. Through all of my drawers, under my bed and in my closet only to find heaps of clothes scattered everywhere. My mom got mad that I always refused to put my clothes away. My brother, Josh,  came home from college, to help my parents go through my things but ended up dragging our younger brother, Cal, around so he wouldn’t have to see my parents in their emotional state. As my parents continued going through my belongings they found little objects that gave them flashbacks to my childhood: the teddy bear my mom got for me on Valentine’s Day five years ago, even the small duct tape box Josh gave me for my birthday, which at one time hid my favorite ring. They looked at all the pictures of Josie and I that I had hanging on my wall from the few short years of friendship which seemed like forever. As mom went through the medals I got from track and cross country she couldn’t help but tear up. “She had so much potential…” mom said to dad, dad just responded with a heartbroken expression. I could tell this was hitting my dad the hardest, I was his little girl, his princess, his everything. We had so much in common, we shared our love for running. Grandma and Grandpa came over everyday to try to get my dad to go out and try to forget but all he could say was, “...she seemed so happy…”. They were so naive, I wasn’t happy, I haven’t been since the beginning of summer. The last time I was truly happy was when I dropped Josie off.

Starting up school again was the hardest, I had to see him every day. He knew he made me nervous uncomfortable. He completely abused that power over me. Every chance possible I hid in the bathroom stall just so I wouldn’t have to encounter him at anytime. School was a dungeon, my own personal hell. After Cal and I were dropped off everyday he would go find his friends and they would joke about the newest fart joke they heard. I would go straight to Spanish class because I knew I would have be safe there. Last year, Spanish was my favorite class, I got pushed up a level two years ago, but now all Spanish did was remind me of a time where I was so naive, a time where I was happy. The hurtful comments came even in my safe place of Spanish class. The ‘popular’ girls always made snarky comments about my clothing choices and deciding not to wear the newest Michael Kors watch or handbag. I just wanted to get away from it all.

I always wondered what would be different if Josie went to my school. Would she have been friends with a loser like me? Would she have been one of them that always made fun of me for not wanting to talk to anyone? Or would she have been like Layla who has just embraced me not talking and kinda just went with it? I met Josie at Crazy Legs, a running camp I went to going into my Freshmen year of high school. Josie was a sophomore at Storybrooke and we immediately connected. During the camp we were inseparable, we always were running partners from the beginning. It really was amazing to us that we could become that close of friends in such a short time. We would spend hours into the night talking about life and arguing different controversial topics of the world. We would share our hopes and dreams for the future, Josie knew exactly what she wanted, I never did, maybe that it was fate that I didn't. After the camp we continued talking and running together. This year was different, Josie went off into Basic Training to become a soldier. I don’t think she knows yet… The last time I saw her was before summer, I went with her and her family to drop her off at the airport before she left for training. The tears I had shed that day were all happy tears. She can say that the last time we saw each other I was happy. I hope that she can always remember how proud I was of her that day, how proud I still am of her. How we would see each other soon.

Before I killed myself I wrote three letters. One to my family, explaining everything and how sorry I was that I didn’t come to them for help. One for Josie, telling her how much her friendship meant to me. And one to Xavier. The boy who raped me.

“To my loving family,

At last my mind will be at ease, I have lived 17 years and I wish to not live 17 days more of this hell on earth. You have not known the real me this past year. Please forgive me, I have tried to be a good daughter, sister, friend, and grand-daughter. I could not do it anymore. Now, the truth will finally come out for you to hear. You can do what you want with the information.I went to a ‘End of the Year’ party last year, when you were getting Josh from school. There was people drinking, a lot of drinking. Although I did not drink, I had soda, like I usually do. I set my soda down for 2 minutes, to play bag toss with some friends, when I came back I took another drink. Which is the last thing I remember. I woke up in a cold, dark basement, with no clothes on and no clothes to be seen. I then realized what had happened to me. I got up and tried finding a blanket to hide my naked body, then saw my reflection in the window, my back, it was scraped and bruised. I broke down into tears and just sat there shaking in pain and confusion to what I did to make this happen to me. After finding a blanket, I went up stairs to find some clothes. When I got home I had a email from a classmate, Xavier Ross, a video of him bringing me back into the place where I woke up from. He was completely drunk and I was drugged. I couldn’t bare to watch the rest, I knew what had happened.

I know you have always told me to come to you with anything. I just couldn’t bare to see your faces when I told you, so I hid it from everyone. Josie doesn’t even know. When the time comes I want mom to tell her, I know it will be hard for you mom, but please for me. I’m so tired of hurting and being alone. My head hurts from crying but if I take anything for it I’m scared I won’t be able to stop.

Going to school everyday was hell, I would see Xavier everyday, he would sneak up on me just so he could see me flinch, when people say that guys abuse their strength over girls he is the definition of that. He knew he was in control of me, he knew how much power he had over me. That scared the life out of me.

I had so much potential. So many people thought I would go straight to the top. Now I'm so isolated that will never happen. Mom, Dad, Josh, Cal, Grandma, Grandpa; I am so sorry I have to leave you like this. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I love you all”

Watching my parents read this was probably more painful than killing myself. My dad was inconsolable after reading it. He was the first to finish and the first to leave the room. After my mother finished she got up and went into my room where my body lay still on the bed and just hugged me, through the tears she said "I love you so much sweetie, I am so sorry you had to go through this all alone". I didn't know where my father went, then I found him crouched in a ball by our favorite tree, sobbing. I could hear him mumbling something, "My baby girl...my baby... Why... I knew something wasn't right... My baby..."

“Josie,

I can’t say sorry enough to not be able to see you one last time. I am sorry that you have to come home to see me in a casket instead of our usual meeting tree. You won’t understand the pain I was going through, it was unbearable. We told each other everything,I was the first one you told you wanted to go into the military... But this was one thing I couldn’t just write in a letter to you, like you always said to me, it’s hard to just bring something like that up. I am so proud of you for how far you have gotten in Basic Training, I know you will become such a strong soldier, and fighter. You have always been so much stronger than me, please don’t let my life problems interfere with your plans for the future you can do so much good in the world Josie, go do it.. I hope you now know that I am no longer in pain, I will always love you Josie. Your friendship has made me want to live life, your energy and love has kept me alive for as long as I did.”

As Josie read the first line, she instantly knew, she started sobbing unable to finish reading the letter. Josie just kept rambling on and on "Oh my God...no no no no nooo... This can't happen... She can't leave me!!.. Why!?... What the hell happened??? She didn't say anything in any of her letters! .... Oh my god.... No...my best friend.... She's gone...". This is exactly what I didn't want to happen, she should be happy she's finally home and now everything is focused around me. Her cabin mate looks at her confused, Josie just throws the letter down and runs out of the cabin. Her roommate, Charli, picks up the letter and soon is caught up to speed. She looks for Josie, and finds her crouched in a ball by the stairs, she had fallen, she couldn’t make it very far. Charli and Josie had never been very close but at this time Charli holds her when I wasn’t there.

“Xavier-

You Are The Reason I am dead right now. Some people would say that you are not worth my time to write you. But, I want you to know, and have to live with yourself for what you did to me. My parents know everything and have the video you sent me over the summer. I told them that they can do what they want with it. GOD most of my life I have been apologizing for everything. I am completely done with that s**t. Along with this note is a shred of the shirt I was wearing when you tore it off my body, every time you see this shirt or even this color I want you to think of what you have done. Last year you always told me to go die so now your wish is my command, I hope this makes you so very happy. This isn’t the easiest thing to do, but I have gotten to a point where there is no point in life anymore. Thanks to you. Have a wonderful life Xavier.”

Reviews

[Wem Ortiz]

This pains me, the depression :( to see such story with much pain to end with a solution, a reason of killing your own self just because of circumstances that we are not supposed to live by. Sometimes us who haven't experience such depression would not understand. but I hope to bare the pain and fight it at most to calmly express without destroying your own would progress all of us as an individual. Something that hurts but won't kill you would only make you strong. Diversion is the key. Fighting the right to live and the right to be help is the key. but the key will not always be the right one for every lock. Therefore we live to look for more possible openings.


love your write :) hopes that you unravel even more of such stories, in any genre i would like to read more about it. I know writerscafe.org would love to see you grow. message me if you want to talk