Today

I am too afraid to tell my mother
things are getting bad again. There
is sadness and it grabs me by the shoulders
and shakes me to the core like a 
magic eight ball. It turns up
on my doorstep like a long-lost friend
and I know there’s no point fighting it. 
Sometimes I want to kiss strangers 
on the mouth and sometimes
I never want to see anyone again. 
Today I don’t know if I’m depressed
or if I just can’t physically leave the bed.
Today I feel like being held
in the most innocent way possible.
I take three showers and act like
it counts for something. I email. 
I file. I snap wishbones and blow on
dandelions and candles, 
bow my head in prayer,
“I know we haven’t spoken in a while
but god, please help me make things better."