Unknown life

I wrote this awhile back, it's not the best.

Every day I wonder if this is the life I want to live, constantly haunted by the memories of those days. All the tears that my eyes once held are now filled with emptiness. My thoughts once were filled with happiness and hope are now replaced with self-hatred and anger. I became a zombie, someone who once was carefree and a heart of gold; I miss who I once was but now I am lost on a path that I cannot see. I am stuck here with resentment towards myself. It is not fair because I should not have to resent myself. I should not have to compare myself to every girl seen on social media. This is when loneliness comes into play; Loneliness is the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation. If you were to ask me to describe loneliness in my own words; What I would describe loneliness is being locked inside a claustrophobic sized glass box sinking all the way to the unknown parts of the ocean; Dark, empty, and cold. Sitting there with the memories of all the good times you had while time doesn’t pass one bit. Your mind starts to make these creations one might say even schizophrenia kicks in to fill that void. Humans are social creatures we cannot go without communicating. Once you start hearing things you will eventually fall victim to seeing them too. They start off as whispers then once you see them, they will scream until you can’t take it anymore. Anxiety starts to seep into the cracks of the glass like leeches in Venom filling the box. Another example I could use is being surrounded but those who are happier while you are on display being executed in front of the town metaphorically; looking around, pointing, staring, and laughing at you echoes through your mind. Loneliness comes hand in hand with feeling rejected and missing someone. You may not miss a specific person, but you can also miss things that you never truly experienced. 

Sometimes I scrub my skin in the shower till I bleed because I hate the skin I wear every day, wishing it would just rub away, I used to mark parts of my body and look in the mirror wishing I could cut off everything I hated. I used to bang my head until I felt better because I am not wired correctly and sometimes, I just wish I was. I am constantly in agony. I just stay quiet and go through the motions like I have been my whole life. In this world it doesn't matter how you go about it everyone dies and that’s that. I wouldn’t be remembered, and I am okay with that. The day I take my life I wouldn’t want someone to be sad or hung up because I never mattered to anyone. I used to drink to fill the void in my heart but once I let that go, I still have the longing for it. Everclear was always my go to, and I couldn’t get enough of it. I was introduced to it when I was in a horrible state after my abusive, degrading relationship and after my miscarriage and for that it helped in all the ways no one could. It understood my pain that no one could, I lost my best friend after I had a miscarriage and ended my relationship everything happened all at once and what I turned to was the only thing I had.