Disempowerment and Escape

            They say knowledge is power, but what if you’d rather not know the true reality, in order to keep a balanced heart? Many doctors and psychologists that study the human mind and human interaction will state that relationships are a balance of honesty and deception, their reasons being well solidified and documented in the field of human psychology. At the end of this piece I will share a link to a wonderful series of essays on the topic.

            Because you can go and look up the facts later, I’ll not clog this piece of writing with the technicalities as I’m just wishing to touch upon my own take on what I’ve already researched and pondered over in my mind.

            In the recent months I’ve witnessed and felt the effects of the war between deception and honesty. As a result, my role in things that are important to me has been tossed up in the air. While I’ll admit that the feeling of being a fifth wheel or on standby isn’t a cushy feeling and my heart being given back to me, albeit gently, hasn’t made my daily routine a pleasant path to tread, I’ve become aware of many things and learned more.

            The knowledge that now spins around in my mind is not just about what led me to this point.  It also includes many things from past events in my younger years, that I never could get a grasp on. I have come to understand that many of my past dealings with others were often off balance, always leaving me asked, “How, why and what?”

            Many moments in time have passed where I couldn’t help but feel as if I was out of control, or simply discontent with my relations with people. The times always brought out feelings of low self-worth and the need to escape into a place of sanctuary, which most often ended up being my own imagination. Now, as I’ve looked back onto those troubling moments, I find that I was allowing the people I had dealt with to dis-empower me. An in route for them to get what they wanted, my father included into that group of individuals, for a time at least.

            Usually I would go into an interaction uplifted by an idea, or particular action that I felt was positive to achieve. Yet, as conversations ensued, I would end up having others talk my notions down as things that weren’t easy for them, not worthwhile to entertain, or simply something they didn’t like. Over time these types of interactions lowered my self-esteem and worth to a point where I didn’t feel like any idea or suggestion of mine was even worth bringing up. As a specific example; during my high school years I was active in the theater groups and stage presentations, working the technical side. My father was a science teacher at that time and wasn’t keen on the idea of me going into such a field, as he felt it was a dead end type career and nothing would come of it. By the end of a year of so in college, still trying to pursue my desire to be a part of that type of work, I was so depressed that I dropped the idea, so to not oppose my father.

            I would come to understand later that the mind of a science based person, doesn’t function that well with one who prefers the arts, but during those years, I simply didn’t know how to alter the outcome. It wouldn’t be until father had retired and began to enjoy the simple joys of tying fishing knots and the soothing feeling as he was casting out into the surf, doing what he wanted, that our relationship become more enjoyable.

           

            It would be during those late teen to young adult years that I found the only way I could feel like I was worth much of anything to myself, was to create fantasy worlds. Worlds where I could control the destiny of my imagined self. This in time became problematic as whenever I felt like others weren’t hearing my ideas or interests and taking them in as possibilities, I would let my thoughts wander out to the world in my mind. Looking in hindsight, my dropping out of college after only two years, which didn’t amount to anything useful, was in high probability a result of my head being elsewhere. In my world, I felt important. In the real one, I had come to feel worthless and unappreciated.

            Even later into my adulthood, I suspect many friends and family were affected by me feeling so withdrawn. Many times I can recall retelling tales that I had added fictitious bits to, in order to gain a more favorable response.  It was a curse and a blessing all in one, and one that I wouldn’t grow out of until I saw my marriage come apart. While my imagination and add lib’s were part of that, there was many other things as well.

           

            Now as I write, I’ve come to understand that I had to escape. Those around me either didn’t feel the need to encourage me in my interests or they weren’t aware of them. As well, some that did comprehend what was going on in my mind began taking advantage of my low self-worth to enact levels of control.

 

            As I return to present day and my current roller coaster ride in life. I’m reminded of similar issue that an amazingly creative person and one of my best friends, has recently been founding herself in. My hope is that they take the time to read what I’ve written and read through the link I’ve added below. I want them to remember that even though life can be chaotic and we must take time to figure things out, they are not alone and that this is my way of offering a hand to them in their rough times in the way I thought might be best.

           

            As for the rest of anyone who reads this piece. If you’ve ever gone through similar situations or are dealing with them now, I encourage you to take some time and view the essays attached to the link. Or if you prefer and wish to be open about your experiences, feel free to leave them in a review. After all, life is about helping each other out isn’t it?

 

 http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/

Reviews

[WritingismyHobby]

Knowledgeable people tend to sway away from small feats of enjoyment to reach a higher goal. Not to say there is anything wrong with enjoying the simpler things of life. Knowledgeable people just see the world in a whole perspective.

Our opinions, ideas and goals are greatly impacted by our environment, how we are raised, who we hang with, ect. It's often difficult to be open minded when stuck firmly in one belief. Such as with major things like politics, religion, and culture. As well as small things such as color and music taste.

We often listen to each others words, but we rarely understand. With parents, they normally want their kids to be successful. They them selves have become successful through there works, so wanting to ensure success in their child would mean forcing the same fate onto them.

Despite wanting to be different, we are still pressured. We look up to our parents so much, we sometimes ignore obvious flaws. Identifying those flaws is hard, but going against those flaws is even more difficult.

You're taught to respect your parents, obey your parents, and follow your parents. Your never once told you have a choice. Your never told you can oppose their belief. More often then not, parents take advantage of that power and enforce a code that you'd never want if given the choice of free will.

Thus causing this cycle to continue, until someone like you breaks it. I'm glad you are able to find freedom and I hope your dream comes true.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

A roller coaster of a ride with this in depth story of your life and the transition of being...and the admission that you can farther your lifestyle and those along the way...seems in line with your title... Disempowerment and Escape...I get to see the person and the reflections of ones life and the pursuit one needs to go...just a lot to think about in the whole thought process of this one...

[Wolfwind]

Thanks! I forgot I even had this one still here! lol I'm glad it inspires one to think, that was it's goal.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I read a few of yours and this was something else...that gave me more of a vantage point of who you are as a person...not just by your work alone...

[Dreamwind]

I'm so glad I read this, it speaks so much truth. I have always found living in my imaginary world, while posing in the real world, fooled everyone, while leaving me wishing and searching for the one who could see past the illusion and see me.
Not just see me, but appreciate? love? or just understand, and not judge me.
I liked myself, and I know I have some talents, but still I let others dictate, or change my plans, also telling me the difficulty, the impossibilities, till I shrank back into "good girl" mode. Its more of a woman thing, I think, to be quiet, and good and pleasant. I"m not good at rocking the boat or choosing my own way when others wanted theirs. What I began to do is to do things alone, and thus only had me to please. smile I remember being told by a teacher, that my morbid words were unacceptable, so I showed them to no one for many years after. And that I couldn't possibly memorize the whole poem The Highwayman, so I stopped mid-study, and never did. I"m working daily on re-claiming my right on this earth to be here, and be me. Thank you for putting into words what so many are feeling and giving hope to us.

[Katy Craig]

I love this! Good job. :)

[C.T. Bailey]

Good sir, doesn't it help to write out the pain? It is good for us to press pen to paper. There is healing in this. I can tell you've been doing some healing of your own. I'm glad. I think you're fantastic and I am glad I have you as a friend! Thank you for sharing this...I appreciate it!
T