YOUR GHASTLY LITTLE HUNGER GAMES

WOE TO THE ONES WHO LIE AND PLOT... THE LIGHT WILL ALWAYS SEARCH YOU OUT...

Today I wear a smirking smile, with “less than” love I walked the mile

But now I’m free to spread my wings, No longer bound by sparkling things

I’m bursting out amidst the blue, a world of those surpassing you

They gaze at me, I gaze back too, such chemistry so overdue

For all have told me, you did too, that I deserved much more than you

And everyone will one day know, how warped you are, how far you’d go

The things you did were inhumane, your ghastly little hunger games

Now you’re the one in worried tears, watching as I trample fears

And when the white coats sum you up and finally tell you, you’re corrupt

Don’t look to me, I’ve had enough, I’ve drunk enough from “less than’s” cup

You’re arrogance, your highest crown, the pride before you got pushed down

Will one day soon feel so profound when all have watched your ego drown

Author's Note

FINAL DRAFT.....sounds much better.. poem debugged. ;)

Reviews

[PhoenixDown]

You are an extraordinary writer of cautionary pieces. I am a big fan of the dark, yet protective veil you seem to cast over some of your pieces. A salivating sense of righteousness I can certainly vibe to. Your description is quite fitting for this piece; it sums it up quite well. I also think if flow was on your target-of-an-agenda, then you have landed a mighty bulls-eye. Smooth my friend, like jazz. Real smooth.

[M. L. F.]

Lol.. Thanks Phoenix. I'm glad you liked it. I tend to get a little fierce with the poetry.. :) Just tell me to calm down if I go too nuts.. 😉

[PhoenixDown]

A great poetess once told me to always maintain my intensity. I think I will pass along that advice to you, now. (Insert a smirk here.)

You're welcome Misty.

[Unknown Poet]

Beautifully use of words powerful poem..
I like the flow....
Such inhumane people seen in everywhere...
This poem must be appreciated...
Thank you for sharing.... :)

[M. L. F.]

You're welcome, and thank you for reading the work..
..Misty

[Unknown Poet]

My pleasure........

[Érenn]

I don't know what the first draft was like but this is superb!! The flow is amazing your internal rhyme, sublime. And I cannot help but add that your write invokes quite the images and thoughts I enjoyed this very much. And the message: Damn good for you if you are able to now spread those wings and a fresh start, because those raw and honest emotions seem to indicate that more than anything else here. The last two lines especially pack quite the punch. Thank you for sharing ^^

[M. L. F.]

Thanks so much Errenn for the compliments and for reading and reviewing this piece. I was unable to answer these reviews as I went to doc with 102.5 fever and the "second wave" of the flu. lol. I am really glad the sentiment of this piece resonated with you. :)

[Érenn]

Aah well hope you are feeling a lot better now ^^ Misty I enjoy reading your writes and I am soon going to read one of your stories as well ^^ I also enjoyed your other poem In Your Shadow Where I Shone that was an amazing read and so sorry to have reviewed that piece so late ^^' Well as usual keep on writing looking forward to more of your works ^^

[M. L. F.]

Aww! Thanks! Yes, the poetry is fun, but I don't think I am really talented at it lol.. It's my fiction I love. I have a professor who said to try to get my novel and short stories published, and he was published so if I can accomplish that, it would be my dream. I am working on the final edit of the first chapter of my novel to post here. The novel is called "Splintering".. and the first chapter called "Dead Man Walking". Keep an eye for it, if you like my fiction. I have a short story on here called "All Hallows Eve", it's my feature piece on my page. I'd be honored if you would read my fiction. Thanks again for reading me and reviewing me! ;)
.... Misty

[Érenn]

Misty this might come as a surprise to you but my forte is also prose and not poetry ^^ I have been busy writing a novel series over the past year (13-14 book series, 2 books(drafts) completed and the third one is more than half-way through )^^ I just picked up poetry (just last month in fact was the first time I ever wrote poetry ) to fine tune my skills and improve my command over the language since it isn't my native tongue( also thanks to college I am not getting sufficient time to concentrate on writing my novels) Still writing poetry has helped and I became an accidental poet XD And don't worry you will be getting quite the detailed review when it comes to prose( since I can demarcate things a lot easier) and I will cover all aspects of the write ^^ And I was about to start with that very story as well ^^

[M. L. F.]

Ok, I look forward to the review... (Nervously) now lol. I think that is very cool that you write also. How great that your books are getting done! Impressive... Even better that it is not your native tongue. What is your native language?

[Érenn]

English would technically be by my 3rd or 4th Language (Hindi, followed by Tamil and Oriya are languages I speak ) But over the recent years(past 3-4 years) I have been communicating a lot more in English than any other language ^^ And mine are just drafts yet to show it to an agent or go through all the rigorous process of editing...... So long way to go before I can think of publishing ^^'

[M. L. F.]

Impressive! English is my first language, since I am American by birth. I lived there long and came to Holland when I married few years back. I am now learning to speak / read / write in Dutch. "Het is niet so mogelik voor mij" lol... which is translated to: It is not so easy for me... But I am finally getting there! Cool that you have a good grasp of English. I think it's a beautiful language.. :)

[Érenn]

Well I wish to learn French, Spanish and even Japanese if possible ^^ Those will pretty cool languages to learn and as far as the English is concerned no doubt it's a pretty awesome language to have learned any day ^^

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Damn that was good. Great work M. L. Franchello.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you Tsubaki !!

[Jordan Smith]

I really loved the raw emotion that was pouring out in this one. Great imagery was displayed in this one as well. Can't wait to see what you do next :)

[M. L. F.]

Thank you! Imagery is important to me.. So this is a wonderful compliment! ;)

[Jordan Smith]

Your Absolutely Welcome :)

[Joe W]

Misty,
I think that you did an absolutely amazing job here. I really liked the cadence and the flow of the poem. Keep up the good work!
Semper Fi,
Joe

[M. L. F.]

Thank you so much... I'm happy that you liked it. ;)

[Joe W]

You're welcome.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nothing like a new start after being held back by another's misguided love and ownership----truly free to love...and that is how it should be always...as they say, set something free and if it loves it will come back to you...
and i really like "less than love"---

j.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you j. I revised it and it's much better now... ( I think ).. :) I'm glad you enjoyed the sentiment of rising again.
...Misty

[Autonomous]

I loved its flow and its rhythmic motion. Well all I can say is that this one's going in my library.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you. I revised it. Hope you like the final version as well. :) Thanks for putting me in your library.. It's quite an honor...
.. Misty

[Jacob Clifford]

Very intense wordplay. These words are like punches. The message of rising up is a perfect twist on the Easter tradition.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you Clifford. I was worried that Easter wasn't exactly great timing as the work is a little fiery, but I like the twist you saw in it of my personal rising from the dead. ( Though I am nothing next to Jesus ). But it's a nice thought that he gives me the strength to rise up again after the fall.. :)

[Takeshi Yamada]

Misty, nice work here. I think you'll be able to smooth out a few places, but really great work here. Some of the lines that really show off your talent with crafting powerful expressions were:

"when the white coats sum you up" (Nice expression of the doctors who'll be looking that this "less than" lover. All I can say is that I don't envy the white coats!)
"I’ve drunk enough from “less than’s” cup" (I love this expression...it really was a "less than" love...not what you were promised or could have expected.)

In my opinion, the last two lines are really, really good and close the piece with a nice punch. Just a thought, but you might consider changing something about the last phrase to make it smooth/rhyme more closely. It's a taste thing I suppose, though, so go for what you think works.

Brava!

[M. L. F.]

Takeshiii.. lol, yes, the last line is chapping me the wrong way too. It's not that it's wrong, it just doesn't feel "right" yet... :) I'm having a look at it today.. Thanks for the feedback, and glad you liked it! You are in reference to the very last line right? That is the one that is driving me nuts... Any other line needs a tune up, or is it just the last one? I hate the last line... It needs to be right.. :)

[Takeshi Yamada]

I won't say that this line has any issues I can see, but I wanted to call it out because there's something interesting going on for me (in a good way) when I read it...it's hard to explain. As I read that third line of the poem, I feel like the words "blue world" do something to the rhythm (again, in a good way) that breaks it just a bit, but also feels like suddenly we're out in that big blue world and its open and beautiful and not at all constrained by anything (yet its not quite breaking the rhythm). Then you bring us back into the rhythm again and it just feels great. So...I wouldn't change those lines, but just wanted to explain this which is really hard to put into words. I don't know how you did it, or if it ends up just being me that experiences this with those words, but its really beautiful. Let me know if I lost you. :P

As for anything else that needs to be tuned up...how about this line?

"Now you’re the one with all the tears, helpless while I shed wild fears"
The rhythm is good. Just curious if "shed" was the exact word you were going for? Are you getting rid of the wild fears or exacting punishment on the "less than" man because of them?

[M. L. F.]

Hmmm... perhaps a bit of both with that line, but it was written as an effort to say, that I shed the fears that tied me down so tight, and that it feels nice as he is the one who finally feels helpless fears instead of me.. But it's funny that you bring that one up because I felt that one broke the rhyme scheme a bit, lol. And yet the line makes an important point for me... Ahh! Editing.... Haha.. :) It's crazy making, but it's magical when it feels just right! ;) Re-write is my best friend.. :)

I have the same feelings about the blue world line. I feel that it def breaks the flow a bit, but that it makes a statement I like, a change in the mood, in the momentum of the piece, so yeah... might toy with that one too, but might not lol.. writing decisions are hard! :)

[M. L. F.]

Ok Takeshi, am sick with the flu now too, lol. Let's hope my brain still worked while I made the final draft of this piece. My head is pounding, yikes! Here is the final draft above. I changed the last line and the blue world line, both flow much better now. Pretty happy with it now. ;)

[Takeshi Yamada]

Misty, the rewrite looks great! :) Flows wear, meanings are a bit clearer, and the punch is powerful. And now you have flu, huh? Wear it like a badge of courage, the Mother's Badge of Dedication! I hope everyone else around you is feeling better and that you do soon too. Rest up! Cheers, Takeshi

[Takeshi Yamada]

flows wear => flows wells ;)

[M. L. F.]

Haha... yes, 102.5 fever I have right now.. Doctor saw me today and said I have the "second wave" of this years flu.. which is the worst.. blech.. Trying to write but my head is exploding lol. So glad you liked the final draft! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful thoughts and words used.
"Don’t look to me, I’ve had enough, I’ve drunk enough from “less than’s” cup"
I wanted to know and read more. Life is fair. Winners shall fall and the meek shall know true victory. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[M. L. F.]

Thanks so much Coyote... It is a statement about rising again, if a little aggressive, but yes, that is the sentiment. The trampled on shall rise from the rubble.. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree and you are welcome.