The Ballad of Steven and Salmonella

A 500 word short story, with comedic undertones.

Steven stood at the edge of a cliff, staring down into the water and wishing he knew what it was like to drown before partaking in the activity. His life was at a standstill. He was unemployed, in his mid-thirties, and never knew what it was like to be loved. This sexless bore, whose only specialty was criticizing others, had decided that his life was simply not worth living. No single event could be distinguished; days passed by characterized by the monotony they carried. Everything was mediocre; there was no good, and no bad. Excitement evaded Steven as if Steven were a cancer, whose own inadequacy would tarnish any moment worth noting. When reflecting upon Steven’s present condition, it becomes clear why he would want to commit suicide. His life was essentially a second-rate detective novel, but without romance. Suicide was the most exciting thing he could think of doing. He didn’t bother calling anyone beforehand, or even leaving a note. His dad had died when Steven was young, after accidently swallowing a fork. His mother had left his father when Steven was born to join the Church of Scientology, and hadn’t had any form of communication with her son. Steven had nobody.

            Steven took a deep breath, and jumped off the cliff. He intended to fall into the water, but instead landed on top of several rocks jutting out from the side of the cliff. He began screaming in pain, and someone who had just passed by the spot where Steven jumped called the police. The police arrived, and they transported Steven from the bottom of the cliff to the hospital. Steven had broken both legs, and was told he need to use a wheelchair until he recovered. When the staff asked Steven if anyone was going to pick him up, he answered in the negative. A nurse, who found Steven’s lack of charm intriguing, stopped by and asked Steven if he wanted to get coffee. This time, he answered in the affirmative. They exchanged numbers, and Steven rode the bus home. That night, he called the nurse, who told him that her name was Sam, but her friends called her Salmonella. They arranged to have coffee the next day.

            The next day came quickly. Steven had gotten no sleep; his excitement kept him up all night. Sam had gotten plenty of sleep; she was well-acquainted with the concept of a date. Steven arrived early, and waited eagerly for Sam to arrive. Hours passed by, and Steven’s initial excitement turned into misery. He had drunk several cups of coffee, and was caffeinated to an extent few ever see. Finally, he decided to pay the check. When the waitress brought the check out, she decided to offer a few words to comfort Steven, who appeared morose.

            “How are you today?”

            “Awful.”

            “Why is that?”

            “I broke both my legs, and Salmonella didn’t follow through with her promise.”

            “Salmonella? You have Salmonella?”

            “I HAD Salmonella.”

            The waitress promptly threw him out.